we hold these truths to be self-evident ...

• Turkey stuffing should never, EVER have raisins in it.

• Every movie ever made featuring Richard Grieco has sucked major donkey balls.

• Curly was the funniest Stooge.

• There's not much better than when a sexy, sensual woman moans your name softly.

• Football is America's game.

• Steak is best when it's cooked medium-rare.

• The only thing that is more refreshing after an afternoon of sweaty activity than a very cold beer ... except maybe a long drink of cool, gushing water straight from the hose.

• The remote control is one of the greatest inventions ... ever.

• Cold fried chicken left over in the refrigerator tastes better than fried chicken served up hot.

• No woman has maintained her beauty throughout her life quite like Lauren Bacall.

• Women break more hearts than men.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

OK, I've been reading a lot of "guys are fucked up" posts on several different blogs, and the comment sections of said blogs, over the last several days. And while I empathize with those who have been fucked over, here are some things that I've notices and/or experienced.

• Girls don't go for nice guys. It doesn't matter how often I hear women say "I just want a nice guy," they never actually follow through with this, even when they have the opportunity. Why? Bad guys are more exciting. They offer thrills and passion. They also offer heartache, but no woman ever wants to admit that, even if she knows it.

• When women ask for advice about a guy, all they really want is to hear you say what they want to hear. I've had women ask me what I thought about a guy they were seeing, or whether they should get more serious about a guy. And I gave them honest, straightforward advice; my read on the guy(s). And these haven't necessarily been women I was interested in; most were just my friends. Other friends, males and females, gave the same or similar advice, usually along the lines of "he's an asshole" or "he will hurt you," etc. And yet they ignored all that advice.

Hell, one guy told the woman she was a "monster" because she was might have been pregnant and wasn't sure what she was going to do about it. He belitted her, berated her — all around verbal abuse. They're now married and guess what — she's not totally happy. Duh.

So yes, there lots of asshole men out there. But there also are a lot of women who ignore that fact until too late.

Look into my eyes ...

You are getting sleepy. Your eyelids are getting very, very, very heavy. You are so very tired. You can't keep your eyes open any longer.

Sleep ... sleep ... SLEEP!

You are now under my complete power. And this makes you feel warm inside, comforted and whole.

You can't imagine disappointing me. There is nothing that you would not do for me, your lord and master.

Now ... get naked and clean the fucking apartment.

Vices that I miss ...

1. Smoking. 20 years of puffing on delicious, tasty cigarettes. All gone.

2. Strippers. A sizable part of the reason I'm broke years later. But man I like strippers. Best relationships I've ever had lasted for the duration of a song.

3. Drinking. Pretty glad I mostly gave this up a long time ago. Drinking just to get drunk seems so silly now. But man there were times when nothing was better.

4. Video games. While I still game a bit, I no longer am the addict I once was. There will never be a PlayStion, XBox, GameCube or anything like that in my house.

All I've got left is gambling, and it's not really gambling — it's playing poker. I need to move to the states, so I can practice and play and become a pro. That's my dream job right now.

Ai ki Diablo II!!

Man that title is soooo funny if you're Chamorro! OK, not that funny.

Anyway, I'm desperately awaiting the release of Diablo II patch 1.11. New bad guys (bad girl), new party skills ... supposedly. There are a lot of rumors about what the new patch will contain, but not that much official word from Blizzard. I haven't played the game all that much recently, but this patch — and the ensuing new ladder season — will draw me back in bigtime.

For the non-gaming geeks out there, Diablo II is a MMORPG — Massive Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game. I like to play big, strapping, bald barbarians with big swords or two-handed hammers to kill lots of evil monsters. I'm still trying to figure out what to call my newest barb ... maybe BlogBarb!

I've been a video-game nut since Space Invaders. When Playstation first came out, I had one, along with about 10-15 games that I played ALL the time I wasn't working or sleeping. I'd play till the game was mastered, till I could beat the computer with ease, then would focus on another game, repeating the process.

I got rid of the game system and the games because it wasn't healthy the amount of time I spent playing. And I did good for several years. Then my friend Chrissie ships me a game she'd been playing for awhile for my birthday —Diablo II. After a day of playing it, I bought the expansion pack. Next thing I know I was playing from the time I got off work — about 5:30 p.m., to about 3:30 a.m. ... and then from when I woke up until I had to go into work — much of the time with Chrissie.

I haven't played it a lot lately. It had gotten a little boring. But that's all about to change. New patch. New ladder. New stuff to find out. Woohoo!!

P.S. Yes, I know this post reveals that I have geek tendencies. You have NO idea.

Saturday mornings

Remember how magical Saturday mornings were when we were kids? They were the best! We put up with five days of school, boring after-school educational programming and stodgy grownup evening TV shows.

So when Saturday morning hit, we were up at the crack of dawn, to catch the very first cartoons coming on the air. Yes, on the "air" ... because there was no cable television yet. There were three network channels and public television. That was pretty much it.

And the only time you could watch cartoons and other cool, fun kids programming was on Saturday mornings. It usually started at 7 a.m. It was definitely over by noon, when the sports programming would kick in. So you basically had 4 to 5 hours to numb your brain on the great cartoons:

• Looney Tunes — all the Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote you could get (still the funniest toons ever)
• Scooby Doo and Speed Buggy
• The Hanna-Barbera catalog, especially the ones where the characters all raced each other in their special cars
• Dudley Doo-Right and Underdog and the Go-Go Gophers
• Rocky & Bullwinkle and Mr. Peabody and Sherman

And then there were all those freaky Sid and Marty Kroft shows — The Bugaloos, H.R. Pufnstuf, Sigmund and the Seamonsters ... and the greatest of them all ... The Land of the Lost!


Marshall, Will and Holly ... on a routine expedition ... met the greatest earthquake ever known ... high on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft ... and plunged them down a thousand feet below ... to the la-and of the lo-ost ... the land of the looooooossssst!!

And that was usually the last show before dad took over the television.

But nowadays, kids have the Cartoon Network — 24 hours of toons. Nickolodeon and all kinds of other toon outlets. Saturday mornings are no longer special. Who cares about what's on in the morning of one day when you have all of those other options?

It's their loss ... totally.