saturday ... at the mall ... I think it was the 10th of December

Jingle George made his appearance as a celebrity bell ringer for the Salvation Army today. I put in an hour and a half of smiling, Santa-hatted ring-a-dingeying outside of the food court/movie theater side of one of Guam's major malls.

Foot traffic was somewhat slow — I think the other sale had a super major sale — but we did seem to get a nice amount from the individuals who did show up, and I'm sure it improved later for the few more hours of celebrity ringing after I left.

Sorry to say that I forgot my digital camera at home, so I have no pictures, but I'm hoping to get some from the Salvation Army people, who were snapping a lot of pics. Keep yer fingers crossed.

Three hours till I gotta leave for the Christmas party. Tux has been picked up. Shirt has been ironed. Tie is prepped. Shoes are shined. Peppery peppy patter is prepped. Games are all sorted and prizes are arranged.

Just have to show up, check in with the band about timing of breaks, talk to party planners to cement things and get the stuff I'm supposed to give away with the games and raffle prizes, and then turn on the good old super-funny, entertaining ham side of me (which is a HUGE side of a HUGE me).

We have a baby grand prize drawing of $250 and a grand prize drawing of $500. We are giving away lunch for two at a nice hotel restaurant, as well as dinner for two. We are giving away a night's stay at that hotel as well. Prizes for game include lunch for two, movie passes and cash.

There will be , a nice dinner buffet, a band from 7 p.m. till midnight and dancing for most of the night — Guam's "national" dance, by the way, is the cha-cha. We cha-cha like no one else cha-chas. About every club plays it. Any fiesta with a DJ and/or a band features spurts of cha-cha. If there's no one on the dance floor, a little "Under the Boardwalk," or "Don't Blame It on the Cha-cha-cha" draws the folks out, guaranteed.

You guys know I don't dance, at least not anymore, but here's my ever-abiding shame: I don't know how to cha-cha. You heard me: I'm half Chamorro and I can't 1-2-cha-cha-cha.

But shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Especially YOU, Oh So Wonderful. You know what that would do to my reputation on this island. ;)

in the club ...

rancorous music pulses
vibrating through flesh and bone
air thick and clogged with smoke
black and dark and dusky
save for glaring spotlights
and throbbing strobes
glancing off mirrored walls

gyrate those hips
pucker those lips
as you drink by sips
and work for my tips

slinky little slutty skirt
quickly hits the floor
halfway through next song
the sheer top is next
followed by bra
and then panties
until you're naked
save for the 6-inch heels

take my dollar bills
put them in my mouth
strip them away with your tits
letting my lips glance
off soft, sweet-smelling flesh
breathe huskily on my ear
nip and nibble my neck
for a few measly bucks

who is the predator
and who is the prey
you're taking my money
but am I getting more
for what I'm spending
than you are darlin'
after all, what's a dollar
for your dignity

take me to the VIP room
so you can at least
get your money's worth
of my money

no more of that ...

... that deleted post is the last time I plan on whining and crying about my lack of any kind of love life.

I hate pity and yet I post that kind of crap.

no more ... if I can control myself.

we now return you to your normal blogging schedule.

show of hands ...

• Who likes my blog in black?

• Who thinks I should try a different color?

• How many of you routinely check DZEROTICA or DZER's Guam Pics?

• Should I just dump those other blogs and put everything here?

• Did your waiter inform you of the specials?

• ¿Hafa hao, che'lu?

excuse me, while she kiss my eye ...

One of the things that sucks the most about being single and not in a relationship is not getting kissed. Not being able to kiss.

I LOVE kissing. The feel of soft lips on mine. The slight pressures, the little licks and nibbles. The slip of tongue between lips and past teeth. Tongue touching tongue.

Not just lip-locking either.

A woman's lips on my neck, soft and gentle. A woman's lips on my neck, hard and hot. Wet kisses on my ears. Hot breath making the little hairs on my neck stand on end with pleasure. Those sultry whispers of steamy air in my ears, promises of pleasures yet to come.

I indulge in the long, lascivious, luscious and lingering lip locks, but just about any kiss will do. Kisses during sex, before sex and after sex are good. Kisses with teasing women who will never let you sleep with them, but let your hands roam free and your lips engage with hers.

Even the quick little kisses are nice. The ones shared between friends on the cheek. When I was younger, I hated the whole "kissing greeting" thing, but now I enjoy it. It's another chance to feel lips on my skin.

Which is why I hate the fucking air kiss. Cheek-to-cheek with the smoochy face but lips touching only air. What's the point? If you do this, fucking stop it. It's fucking stupid. If you don't want to kiss, then don't fake kiss.

I enjoy the soft pecks on the lips, friendly but chaste. I have a couple of female friends who kiss like that, usually just at the edge of the lips.

I love a good smooch. A slippery smack. A buttery buss. A brushing of lips.

Once, in the depths and darkness of a strip club VIP room, I was making out with a very hot, very sexy, very kissable stripper.

God she was SO good to me. I guess it had something to do with all the money I paid her. LOL

I'm sitting back on a coach, she's stradding my legs, her arms around my neck, my arms around her waist. OK, one hand on her ass, squeezing, the other on her tit, squeezing. This is the woman who taught me "how a woman kisses another woman."

"Close your eyes," she whispers huskily in my ear, her breath hot on my neck, tongue teasing the lobe.

I comply.

Her lips touch mine, her tongue snaking between my lips briefly. Then her mouth is moving up my face. Slowly. Wetly.

Her mouth settles over my closed right eye. There's a bit of pressure as she sucks, creating a vacuum. Her tongue pulses against my closed eyeball, again and again. She's making out with my closed eye!

It sounds weird. I know. I recognize. I see that. But fuck it was one of the hottest kisses I've ever had, and it was over far too quickly.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Chamorro word for kiss is "chiku."

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Addendum: Totally forgot to give ya'll the link to last week's installment of Jingle George. So here it is: Click here for Jingle George!

woohoo!! *snoopy dancin'*

DZER's Diatribe now has its very own favicon. Look up at the address bar and you'll see the tiny DZER head next to the web addy!

Heh!!

Mucho thanks go to always aroused girl, for giving me the idea and the links to do it.

one happy DZER!!
Addendum: For some reason, the favicon isn't showing in Explorer. At least, not in my Explorer. Bastards. Try Netscape, Firefox or Safari ... should show there. :)
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And HEY!!! Early HNT below! Don't just read this post and comment ... scroll down!!

The early HNT from Guam ...

It's almost Thursday here on sunny and beautiful Guam, tropical island paradise.

Laying it on thick, ain't I? That's because it's my favorite time of the year ... winter in the states, not-winter here.

I'm a meanie. I like rubbing it in. What's that? Snowy and icy and 14° Fahrenheit there? Hold on, I need to turn up the air conditioner here — it's like 89°!! What? Shoveling snow? I had out a shovel yesterday myself ... well, that little plastic one that comes with the pail, for the beach, where it was a balmy yet breezy 88°.

Heh.

Yes, I know I'm a bastard about it. But it's sooooooooo much fun! LOL

On with Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

I've gotten a lot of comments over the past few months about my eyes.

Yes, I have blue eyes. I am the next Paul Newman. OK, that's WAY too much ego! LOL

I think they're more of a slate gray or steel blue, but they have been described as "baby blue."

So to reward all my faithful blog readers (at 8 and counting! woohoo!!), especially the lovely and talented DZERettes, I present to you, more of Duane's eyes!!

"His eye begets occasion for his wit,
For every object that the one doth catch
The other turns to a mirth-moving jest."

William Shakespeare
Love’s Labor’s Lost

LOL

Scary eyeballs, huh?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

OK ... here's my REAL HNT submission.

"That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman."

William Shakespeare
The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• One of the worst things you can do to a Chamorro is to give them atan baba, which is basically the old "stinkeye." An atan baba, even a PERCEIVED one, can lead to a physical fight, so if you come to Guam, be careful of how you look at the locals. LOL

loud and clear ...

you like that, don't you?
shh. don't talk. not a whisper.
you've already told me all.

it's in the way you writhe;
struggling to get away while also
striving to get closer.

it shows in your throbbing pulse;
beating an aroused tattoo —
ta-tum, ta-tum, ta-tum.

your ragged rasping breath betrays;
elapsing to rasping and gasping —
inhale/exahle quick, quick, quick.

the silent plea glistening
in eyes going brown to green
"take me. fill me. use me."

lush and flush with rosy blush,
parted lips eager to beg
say it all while saying naught.

nipples stiff and cutting;
hard as your heart used to be,
aching with painful yearning.

legs splayed wide and open;
arms akimbo, soul in limbo;
greedy to clasp and close.

good girl.

My good girl.

large leviathan laughs ...

Just a little peek into what you hear if you can REALLY make me laugh ...

... and yes, I can laugh my "real" laugh on command.

However, I have several other laughs that I can and do use, depending on the occasion. I'll share them sometime in the future. ;)

— o n e — s m i r k i n g — b a s t a r d —

smirk
pronunciation: smûrk
Verb: To smile in an affected, often offensively self-satisfied manner.
Verb: An affected, often offensively self-satisfied smile.

"There are only two styles of portrait painting;
the serious and the smirk."
— Charles Dickens

When is a smile not a smile? When it's a smirk.

I'm a smirker. I smirk quite often.

That's not to say that I don't smile, because I do. I'm a pretty good smiler. I smile when I'm happy. I have goofy smiles, pleased smiles, contented smiles. I've been told I have a nice smile. When I truly smile, like after a good laugh, my blue eyes tend to sparkle. They become playful, holding the hint of a laugh yet to come.

I also grin. I'm a pretty accomplished grinner. I have a solid wry grin. Even better is my knowing grin. You don't want to see my sly grin unless you're in cahoots with me. When I'm grinning, there's a sense of mischief and trickery in my eyes. The laughter is still there but, like the grin, is usually sardonic.

But I was a born smirker.

Seriously. I can smirk on command. When I'm in THAT kind of mood, the smirk is near perpetual. It can be, and often is, a condescending smirk. It means that not only am I laughing at you in my head, but that I also think that you don't get that I am — or that I know that you know I'm laughing at you in my head but just don't give a rat's ass.

Not giving a rat's ass is an attitude that fits perfectly with a smirker and his smirking lifestyle.

Wow. I so went into the third person there. I apologize. DZER hates it when DZER does that!

:ox

And now for something completely different ...

How is it that all the women who find me hot — or somewhat hot ... or better than they've seen recently ... or at least somewhat doable ... or "hey, at least he's not gay" — don't live anywhere near me? How is that none of them live on Guam. The population here is 155,000 or so; more than half of them are women. And none of them seem to see me that way.

It's a conundrum, wrapped in an enigma, presented as a riddle in a game of charades by blind mental patients.

As Confucius put it: What is the sound of one hand jacking?

And now for something else completely different ...

I had a GREAT audioblog. I reviewed it. It was ... well ... GREAT! I hit the number to post it. I hung up.

It didn't show on my blog.

Twice.

Fuck.

I grieve for all of you, my loyal blog readers (and listeners). You missed out. I can't even begin to describe how brilliant and fun the audioblog was, how engaging and dynamic and enrapturing I was. *sigh* And so, I mourn on behalf of all of you, who for all eternity will have this small gap in your hearts and souls, because of the bastards of audioblogger.com.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Chamorro term that best describes me is "kinuksika". To find out what it means, ask Oh So Wonderful, my Chamorrita blogging che'lu. Heh.

too uninspired for much more than this ...

Inside The Actors Studio questions

These are the 10 questions that James Lipton asks those he interviews on Bravo's "Inside The Actors Studio," and my answers. Feel free to "steal" and do on your blogs.

What is your favorite word?
Christmas.

What is your least favorite word?
Unrequited.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Connection and rapport.

What turns you off?
Hypocrisy.

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck.

What sound or noise do you love?
The low, soft moan of a woman while my mouth and tongue are on her.

What sound or noise do you hate?
"Taps" being played and "Amazing Grace" done on bagpipes.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Acting and/or stand-up comedy.

What profession would you not like to attempt?
Politician.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Hello there, Duane. Your dad's waiting for you."

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The main road on Guam is named in honor of those who lead the Liberation of Guam: The U.S. Marine Corps. It was "Marine Drive" for decades, but recently was clarified to "Marine Corps Drive."