the infamous fff questionnaire ...

OK ... because I am basically a slave to everything nice's merest whim, I am answering this survey — against my better judgment. I'm sure I will regret this at some point in time, and likely sooner than later.

1. How old are you/male or female? 36, male.

2. How many people have you slept with? Being fat, and having been fat since I hit puberty, I’m not very fuckable … 10, all women, zero men.

3. Lost virginity at what age? 15.

4. How many blow jobs/oral sex have you given? Zero blowjobs/Cunnilingus given as often as given the chance to perform it.

5. How many one nightstands? Do one-hour stands count?

6. Ever banged your friend’s significant other? No.

7. Ever cheated? No.

8. How often do you masturbate? As the mood strikes me … which can be fairly often.

9. What do you masturbate to? Sometimes porn, sometimes to the voice of a woman over the phone or an image over a webcam ... sometimes memories and fantasies (I have a very active imagination).

10. Most forbidden person you wanted to bang? My best friend’s girlfriend (wish she were mine).

11. Ever had a gay/lesbian experience? No … but I once felt a girl up who wasn’t a girl but was scheduled to become one several months later.

12. Like the taste of pussy? Good pussy, yes. I think it should be a flavoring used in gum, ice cream (Blonde Orgasm! LMAO), candy, etc. But, like fish, it must be clean and fresh.

13. Like the taste of cum? I’ll take the zero.

14. Use toys? I have a collection of Wolverine action figures … but I’m guessing that’s not what’s meant.

15. Ever masturbated at work? Yes.

16. Craziest place you've had sex? Champagne room of a strip club. Yes, there actually IS sex in the champagne room.

17. Like anal? Giving, yes. Receiving … well, maybe a little tongue action.

18. Foot fetish? No, but I have sucked toes and had my toes sucked. Hey, whatever it takes to get laid right? Right? *sigh*

19. Weirdest thing you have masturbated with? My left hand.

20. Met anyone off Craig’s List and had sex the first night? No. Nobody on Craig’s List lives on Guam, right? Right? *sights and goes to a web browser*

21. How many porn’s do you have? Several DVDs, and a collection of pics on my hard drive, both professional and amateur.

22. Faked an orgasm? Yes, actually — on the phone, to end bad phone sex.

23. Favorite position? My cock inside a woman; position is irrelevant … I’m just grateful and glad anytime I’m fucking.

24. Ever paid for sex? Hmm … not specifically. I have spent money for a private dance in the champagne room that turned into sex, but paid ONLY for the dance; the sex was just bonus. Though I did leave a hefty tip.

25. Ever had sex in a club? Yes.

26. How many is too many? Times? People? A little specificity please.

27. Ever had group sex? No … but I was allowed to watch girl-on-girl sex. That’s ALMOST group sex, right? Right? *sigh*

28. Ever had cyber sex? Yes, my fingers are such sluts.

29. Phone sex? Yes, but I’m no longer the consummate über phone-sex whore that I once was … but not by choice, come to think of it.

30. Dirtiest Fantasy? A bevy of blogger babes I find hot (you know who you are) all bent over a long, horizontal pole, fully nude (except fuck-me pumps and the odd anklet, necklace or bracelet), hands restrained on one side, legs restrained on the other and splayed wide … all for my personal amusement.

31. Ever taped yourself? No.

32. Taken dirty pictures? Once. Still can’t believe I did. Who wants to see nekkid and fat in the same sentence, let alone the same picture? I mean come on, really. REALLY!!

33. Ever had sex with someone and didn’t know his or her name? I’ve known their stripper names and not their real names.

34. Ever had sex with anyone famous? Well, I’m somewhat famous, at least locally, so I say yes. If you disagree, fuck off.

35. Feel like masturbating now? Not particularly.

36. Fucked a co-worker? No.

37. Used someone? No. Been used? Don’t even get me started.

38. When it comes to shallow attraction, what body part does it for you the most? Tits and nipples.

39. Ever hate fuck somebody? No.

40. Do you enjoy the dirty talk in bed? Yes, please.

41. Consider fucking someone who writes you as a result of this poll? Yes, as well as pretty much any female who shows any inclination or interest. My standards are pretty low.

ignorance is bliss ... intelligence is money

Twice a year, the Guam chapter of Habitat for Humanity (nonprofit group that helps needy folks build houses) holds a fundraiser called Quiz Nite. Basically, it’s a team trivia contest, with six players per team. My newspaper usually buys two tables, and this year was no different.

The teams I’ve lead or been on have traditionally done pretty well — usually in the Top 5 or Top 10, but no one from PDN has ever won. The first-place prize is $600 — or $100 for each team member. Other prizes are pinned on cards on a big board. In descending order of finish, when a team’s number is called they rush up to pick a prize, which could range from $50 in gas coupons to cheap T-shirts or spiced nuts. At times they’ve had things like Chanel gift bags (filled with makeup), restaurant gift certificates, certificates good for pest-control services, etc. There are a lot of ties, so it’s funny watching team reps rushing to the board and trying to decide the best prize left.

Me and my team

The questions range from pretty easy to pretty hard, from esoteric, ancient stuff to pop culture. There are six rounds, with six questions each (I just realized — six team members, six rounds of six questions — 666 … Habitat for Humanity or secret devil worshippers? LOL). Categories this year were: Special Days; Animal Kingdom; Decades; Pictures; America 1770-1800; and Radioland. Oh, and you can pay $10 to double the points in one category.

Some of the questions asked (distilled version): On what holy day was Lincoln shot? What autumn holiday does the U.S. share with Italy, Spain, and Latin America? Humans and giraffes have the same amount of vertebrae in their necks — how many? Where was the U.S. Constitution signed? What does AM and FM stand for? Decades they asked when things happened; you had to place it in the right decade — 1940s to 1990s. Pictures they showed you six pictures of local, national and international people; you had to write down their name.

If you get an answer “wrong” according to Habitat’s answers, you can challenge with a judge for a donation of $5. If you can make your case, your answer is changed to right. At one point, we had to challenge one and got it overturned in our favor, and lucky we did — it put us into a tie for first place with another team! Woohoo!!

So it went to a “quiz off.” Us vs. them, six questions under potpourri. And we beat their ass!! Yesssss!! A championship, bragging rights AND $100 cash for each. That’s a lot of money for four people on my team, all of whom earn lowly reporter wages. For one of the girls, it was the first time she ever had a $100 bill — she was too cute and too funny! LOL

So the gals wanted to go out afterward to a bar called Fishbowl. Now those who know me know that I don’t like going out to bars, unless there are naked dancing girls involved. I burned out on the whole bar/club scene in my mid-20s. When I paid my cover and got stamped, I remarked to one of the girls that it was the first time I’d done the whole club hand-stamp thing in years … it’s been since last century, I think! LOL

Me and Lalaine at Fishbowl

So I stuck around for a few celebratory beers as the place started to get pack-jammed with people. After about an hour, I made my excuses and headed out … to Crazy Horse and Yvette! LOL … had a few drinks with her, snuggled up a bit, sat at the stage with her for a couple of dancers — one as bendy as fucking Gumby, omigod!, and the other a voluptuous little wench with nicely sized, soft tits. Then Yvette went on … that woman can work the pole, let me tell you. She does some crazy stuff.

A lipstick montage LOL

Plus, as evidenced by the pics, she gets a bit smoochy … and bite-y. LOL. I had no clue about the lipstick marks for awhile … until one of the other strippers pointed it out … LOL. I consider them to be my Red Badges of Horny.

It was closing in on 1 a.m. and I had to leave — I still had to write the two edits before dawn so my boss could read them at the crack of dawn.

So it was another good night for me. And you know what? I fucking deserve a few good nights of fun and frolicking and frivolity.

Oh, and the $100 is gone. I bought the first round of drinks at fishbowl, and the rest went to Yvette and her beautiful naked friends. Worth … every … penny. All of it. I don’t consider it a waste. After all, it was $100 I didn’t have all day. I spent it on friends and naked ladies. Is that so wrong? It’s not like I’m starving or I can’t pay my bills. It was excess cash; glad to have spent it on excesses.

As for today … I’m going to go get some lunch in a bit … then into the office for a couple of hours … then some more flighty, unnecessary buying (not shopping!) of consumer goods and merchandise. Tonight, hopefully, will be more poker … and, again hopefully, more winning.

Happy weekend, bitches! LOL

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam’s Habitat for Humanity has, thus far, built 15 homes for needy families on Guam. It would be a lot more, but you have to remember that houses here have to be concrete and meet strict building codes for typhoons and earthquakes.

wowzers ...

OK ... I had thought that my best week ever run was over. I was wrong.

What a GREAT Friday night!!

How great? Tune in later to find out ... it's 1:47 a.m., I still have to write two editorials and I'm fading fast. Work must be the priority. Then sleep. You mooks will have to wait.

Let me just say: Test of Intelligence. Champions. Prize money. Drinks at a bar (I know! and no nekkid girls, either!). Drinks at a strip club (lotsa nekkid girls!)

lemme just leave ya'll with this image:

And yes ... that's gaudy, dark red stripper lipstick.

Talk to ya'll soon ;)

indulgent spending ...

This will be a weekend of profligate and almost completely unnecessary spending.

Why? Well, why the hell not? I guess it's that intangible thing inside me, that small iota of whatever it is that women have in vast quantities. You know, the shopping fix. That feeling of temporary and fleeting goodness after the spending of money on goods and services ... but mostly goods.

And you know what? It's already started.

After work I stopped by Blockbuster and bought three previously viewed DVDs for $9.99 each. It was a completely spontaneous purchase. Only went in to check the new releases for rentals (watching "Unleashed" with Jet Li now). The titles I bought:

• "Something's Gotta Give," starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton.

• "Two Weeks Notice," starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant.

• "American Wedding," starring the American Pie kids. (Rock out with your cock out!)

Then it was off to an outlet store. Two sets of four, nesting boxes ($11.99 each) perfect for stacking like a tree that I plan to use for Christmas wrapping. A book on Tarot that will be part of a gift for a friend who's into that weird shit LOL, $6.99 each. Two packs of three Christmas bags (I told you, I'm Jingle George, dammit! I'm gearing up for Christmas, baby!!) for $2.99 each. Four ceramic plates, $1.49 each, in case I actually ever have anyone over. Four ceramic bowls, 99 cents each, for the same reason. A cool looking grey tie for $11.99.

I would take a picture of the individual items and show them off for you, but I'm really too lazy to do that. So no pics for you! I can tell you're crushed. Tough luck. Life's a bitch and then you die. Get used to disappointment; there's a lot more where that came from!

Fuck.

Obviously, I still need to do a LOT more shopping.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
Guam's so far away from everything and everybody that no one ever has, or ever will, come to visit. So I guess I should move or something, huh?

It's HNT ... or it will be soon ...

View this clip on Vimeo

Hey! Hi! Hello!

My first video Half-Nekkid Thursday ... and even though you can't see it, I am half nekkid ... actually more than half LOL.

btw, today is Sloppy Joe night! Man I love Sloppy Joes. Technically, it's Manwich night (and yes, a sandwich is just a sandwich, but several Manwich's are a meal). Mad props to the person who invented Sloppy Joes (I'm guessing a Joe somebody?).

Anyway, on to the serious blogging!

It's strange, but true: DZER just might be having the (cue soundtrack) BEST WEEK EVER!!!

Things have been going pretty good for me since Friday. Let me enumerate:

• Friday: I got paid for helping out my boss with the journalism classes she's teaching. She was off island for a bit and I had to take over about 7 classes. The payoff: $500.

• Saturday: great lunch — one of those lunches that are better than you thought it would be, simply outstanding food, plus part of my meal was comped! Woohooo!! It pays to overtip at places you go to regularly ... eventually. Heh.

• Saturday night: Poker. As loyal readers of my blog know, I had a GOOD night — about $370 or so. Wahoo!!! Came home late, got to chat online, and then have a nice, long, good talk on the phone, with one of my most favorite people of all time.

• Sunday: Nice lazy day, got to spend a lot of time chatting with one of my most favorite people of all time (yep, the same person). Almost got a puppy ... twice!!

• Monday: Was supposed to be a crazy day but it ended up going super smoothly. I was out of the office real early, had a great dinner of red rice and barbecued ribs and chicken, Chamorro style, then watched Las Vegas and CSI: Miami.

• Tuesday: Easy day at work, got notified of my raise for a great performance evaluation (woohooo again!!). Had two majorly good peeks at cleavage. And to top that off, I got to indulge in the splendor of a very special, super hot and sexy striptease that I fanatasized about all the rest of the early morning and all through today ... *dreamy smile*

• Wednesday: Good day at work again, the aforementioned fantasies, and, in a few short minutes, Sloppy Joes!!!!

Only bad part is that one of my most favorite people of all time is hurting a bit now, and there's not really anything I can do to cheer her up or make things better ... all I can do is be here for her. *smooches to her*

*smooches to you too, unless yer a guy, then you get manly and tough handshakes*

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• I know many of you are having somewhat morose, maudlin moods, mostly associated with the change in the weather. For all of you, know that we had a beautifully, clear and warm day (see DZER's Guam Pics page for proof) with a high of 86 degrees Fahrenheit and a low of 78 degrees.

just a little update

• "New" story is up on DZEROTICA, this one entitled Burglar.

• I updated DZER's Guam Pics with pics I've posted on this blog before.

• Posted a video (see below)

• Little something extra on the side rail ;)

dark sunset ...

View this clip on Vimeo
I took this last week while driving home, through the windshield of my truck. It's dark, but the light from the sunset in the back is pretty cool, no?

updates to DZER's kingdom ...

OK ... the expansion of my personal little blogworld continues.

First, another older erotica story is now up at DZEROTICA. This one is a Guam-based story, set in the middle of a raging storm.

Second, I now have a blog featuring pictures of my native home: DZER's Guam Pics. Now don't go freaking on me — I will still post pics here. But my pics blog will feature extra pics from around the island, as I tend to shoot more than I post.

Third, though it's not up yet, will be my poetry blog. It's not up yet because I don't have a name for it. I will use it for older poetry I want to post, as well as previous blog poems, plus future verse. I was going to use DZEROTICA for my poetry, but figured it should remain the home of racy stories and dirty deeds, and nothing else.

So beware ... because my ego will only continue to grow and run maniacally wild as my personal blogosphere kingdom expands. Beware that which is DZER!! *cue ominous personal soundtrack*

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Guam Hymn was written by Dr. Ramon Sablan and translated into its Chamorro version, Fanohge Chamorro, by Lagrimas Untalan.

Guam Hymn
Stand ye Guamanians, for your country
And sing her praise from shore to shore

For her honor, for her glory
Exalt our Island forever more

For her honor, for her glory
Exalt our Island forever more

May everlasting peace reign o'er us
May heaven's blessings to us come

Against all perils, do not forsake us
God protect our Isle of Guam

Against all perils, do not forsake us
God protect our Isle of Guam

Fanohge Chamoru
Fanohge Chamorro put I tano'-ta
Kanta I matuna-na gi todu I lugat

Para I onra, para I gloria
Abiba I Isla sinparat

Para I onra, para I gloria
Abiba I Isla sinparat

Todu I tiempo I pas para hita
Yan ginen I langet na bendison

Kontra I piligro na' fansafo' ham
Yu'os prutehi I Islan Guam

Kontra I piligro na' fansafo' ham
Yu'os prutehi I Islan Guam

how's it hanging?

Just had to share this picture with the blogosphere.

This is an actualy pet shop, located in the village of Barrigada.


I wonder how many ladies have had to deal with problems because of little wangz. are their pussies not treated right when dealing with little wangz?

oh the humanity!!

How much is $40 to you?

I was talking with someone today about the value of money. Namely, $40.

Now if you're flush, $40 isn't all that much cash. If you're dead broke, it could keep you in gas or prevent the phone from being shut off.

Anyway, she's says that she could use $40 to buy some pot (apparently 5-6 joints worth of the good stuff). I'm like: That's funny, I was thinking $40 equals two lap dances.

I guess it's all about your personal priorities and your mindset.

When I was a smoker, that meant almost 2 cartons of the bargain-basement smokes. It means about 10 meals (2 double cheeseburgers for a buck each and a drink) at McDonald's. It's also about enough money for me to fill up the truck and get a six-pack of beer, if I were so inclined.

So, loyal blog readers (all few of you), I put the question to you:

What is $40 to you?

long road home

the long narrow road
stretches out before me.
is that a curve up ahead
or perhaps a hill's crest?

dip down, curve around
whither i go thither and yon.
pray tell me, if you know
what awaits me down the road?

on the road i'm bounded in
both from the left and the right.
tall trees, thick greenery
are both guard and prison.

and i'm bound once more
both from above and below,
by unyielding hard earth
and unreachable stretching sky.

there are only two choices:
continue forward or turn back.
the secret of the choosing
is that there really is no choice.

how long for that doggy in the window?

OK, for some reason I thought I could walk into the animal shelter and say, "Hi! I'd like to give an abandoned puppy a warm, safe, loving home so you don't have to kill him in a couple weeks" and then they'd say, "Sure! Take one home and love it!"

That's not the case. Apparently, there's an application process. And a waiting period. Like I was buying a gun. What the fuck?

What sucks is the puppy I REALLY wanted ... a cute little brown-and-tan pup with light green eyes ... was already adopted.

The one I chose is the brown one at the top of the pile in the pic below.

Ain't she a cutie? Yes, a she. I was gonna go with a boy doggie, but the only male pup still there was ... well ... ugly. *shrug*

Here's another view ... you can kinda see her cute lil puppy face a little bit.

So they're supposed to call me sometime tomorrow, but that presents a problem: I work till 5 or 5:30, and they close at 5. It's a 30-minute drive there, so even if I went during lunch it would be to drive there, grab the pup, fly back home, leave it there, then head back to work.

I think that kinda sucks.

So, I'm thinking of actually paying money for a dog. *pauses as dad and hundreds of Chamorro ancestors roll over in graves* I can get one for a few hundred bucks in the classifieds ... and I DID just win a few hundred bucks at poker.

Maybe I should just get one today. And then when the animal shelter calls tomorrow, I can say, "Sorry, but your own bureaucratic bungling means you get to keep the pup!" Heh!

What to do, what to do ...