the infamous fff questionnaire ...

OK ... because I am basically a slave to everything nice's merest whim, I am answering this survey — against my better judgment. I'm sure I will regret this at some point in time, and likely sooner than later.

1. How old are you/male or female? 36, male.

2. How many people have you slept with? Being fat, and having been fat since I hit puberty, I’m not very fuckable … 10, all women, zero men.

3. Lost virginity at what age? 15.

4. How many blow jobs/oral sex have you given? Zero blowjobs/Cunnilingus given as often as given the chance to perform it.

5. How many one nightstands? Do one-hour stands count?

6. Ever banged your friend’s significant other? No.

7. Ever cheated? No.

8. How often do you masturbate? As the mood strikes me … which can be fairly often.

9. What do you masturbate to? Sometimes porn, sometimes to the voice of a woman over the phone or an image over a webcam ... sometimes memories and fantasies (I have a very active imagination).

10. Most forbidden person you wanted to bang? My best friend’s girlfriend (wish she were mine).

11. Ever had a gay/lesbian experience? No … but I once felt a girl up who wasn’t a girl but was scheduled to become one several months later.

12. Like the taste of pussy? Good pussy, yes. I think it should be a flavoring used in gum, ice cream (Blonde Orgasm! LMAO), candy, etc. But, like fish, it must be clean and fresh.

13. Like the taste of cum? I’ll take the zero.

14. Use toys? I have a collection of Wolverine action figures … but I’m guessing that’s not what’s meant.

15. Ever masturbated at work? Yes.

16. Craziest place you've had sex? Champagne room of a strip club. Yes, there actually IS sex in the champagne room.

17. Like anal? Giving, yes. Receiving … well, maybe a little tongue action.

18. Foot fetish? No, but I have sucked toes and had my toes sucked. Hey, whatever it takes to get laid right? Right? *sigh*

19. Weirdest thing you have masturbated with? My left hand.

20. Met anyone off Craig’s List and had sex the first night? No. Nobody on Craig’s List lives on Guam, right? Right? *sights and goes to a web browser*

21. How many porn’s do you have? Several DVDs, and a collection of pics on my hard drive, both professional and amateur.

22. Faked an orgasm? Yes, actually — on the phone, to end bad phone sex.

23. Favorite position? My cock inside a woman; position is irrelevant … I’m just grateful and glad anytime I’m fucking.

24. Ever paid for sex? Hmm … not specifically. I have spent money for a private dance in the champagne room that turned into sex, but paid ONLY for the dance; the sex was just bonus. Though I did leave a hefty tip.

25. Ever had sex in a club? Yes.

26. How many is too many? Times? People? A little specificity please.

27. Ever had group sex? No … but I was allowed to watch girl-on-girl sex. That’s ALMOST group sex, right? Right? *sigh*

28. Ever had cyber sex? Yes, my fingers are such sluts.

29. Phone sex? Yes, but I’m no longer the consummate über phone-sex whore that I once was … but not by choice, come to think of it.

30. Dirtiest Fantasy? A bevy of blogger babes I find hot (you know who you are) all bent over a long, horizontal pole, fully nude (except fuck-me pumps and the odd anklet, necklace or bracelet), hands restrained on one side, legs restrained on the other and splayed wide … all for my personal amusement.

31. Ever taped yourself? No.

32. Taken dirty pictures? Once. Still can’t believe I did. Who wants to see nekkid and fat in the same sentence, let alone the same picture? I mean come on, really. REALLY!!

33. Ever had sex with someone and didn’t know his or her name? I’ve known their stripper names and not their real names.

34. Ever had sex with anyone famous? Well, I’m somewhat famous, at least locally, so I say yes. If you disagree, fuck off.

35. Feel like masturbating now? Not particularly.

36. Fucked a co-worker? No.

37. Used someone? No. Been used? Don’t even get me started.

38. When it comes to shallow attraction, what body part does it for you the most? Tits and nipples.

39. Ever hate fuck somebody? No.

40. Do you enjoy the dirty talk in bed? Yes, please.

41. Consider fucking someone who writes you as a result of this poll? Yes, as well as pretty much any female who shows any inclination or interest. My standards are pretty low.