DZER nitty gritty truths ...

Time to man up and admit some less than manly truths:

• I can't drive a stick shift. Both of my parents were in a car crash in the late 1960's and broke their legs. As a result, it was impossible for them to drive a vehicle with a standard transmission — they simply weren't able to use the clutch. So, they had to buy cars with automatic transmissions, and kept buying them over the years. When it came time to teach us how to drive, they taught us on the family vehicles, which were automatic transmissions. When I was 18, I tried to get a friend to teach me how to drive a stick shift and I didn't automatically (get it? heh!) pick it up, and they quickly got frustrated with my gear grinding and gave up. And so, till this day, I only drive cars and trucks with automatic transmission.

• I don't have a hairy chest. Or hairy balls. Heck, it takes me more than week to get a light mustache going; I can go a few days without shaving before I even start to appear "scruffy." It comes from my Chamorro lineage; my dad wasn't a very hirsute man — he could grow a good mustache and beard, but he didn't have the hairy arms, chest and back thing going. Me and my brother James both took after him in this regard. My youngest brother, aka The Missouri Savage, however, is a throwback to the Neolithic era. He's a hairy beast and has had the ability to grow interesting bearts and mustaches since his teen years ... though he is losing it on top. I don't have that problem, though I do keep my head shaved — I do it by choice, he does it by necessity.

• I haven't banged a bunch of chicks in my time. I haven't had sex with "more than my share" or women. I don't have a long and sordid list of "conquests" or one-night stands. No black book here. No comparisons to Wilt Chamberlain. Unless you count phone sex -- which we all know doesn't count ...

• I don't particularly like the taste of beer. Oh, I've had probably more than my share, especially during high school and college, but even though I have been known to consume copious amounts of brew, I've never really liked the taste. I just drank it because that's what we all drank, in the main -- it's what was available. I do enjoy a good, cold beer now and then, but I can't and don't drink much more than one or two at any given time anymore. Truth be told, there are many kinds of alcohol that I don't like drinking. Even the smell of tequila makes me want to throw up, actually (VERY long story!). In fact, the only kind of booze that I actually like drinking is vodka.

• I'm not good with cars in a mechanical way. I know the basics, but if I pop the hood to see what's wrong with my engine, I'm pretty much limited to checking the battery, oil level, radiator coolant, windshield wiper fluid level ... and that's about it. I can and do change my own tires; no calling my insurance company's free roadside assistance for simple shit like that. But beyond the basics, I'm way outta my depth.

• I can do basic sewing and stitching. This is thanks to my mom's teaching at a very young age (I wanted to be able to make clothes for my G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip). I can put my own buttons back on my shirts, thank you very much.

Now, all that being said, I:

• Don't get manicures or pedicures. I did get a facial once, but freaked out in the middle because they put stuff on my eyeballs and left me alone in a dark room ... don't get me started on eyeball issues!

• Enjoy the hell out of strippers.

• Prefer small little mom-and-pop bars, almost dives, more than those fancy martini places or dance clubs and the like.

• Know how to use a large variety of hand tools and power tools, thanks to my dad. I can contribute to building and fixing things. I have helped demolish houses, build decks and shelving units, as well as doghouses, repaired furniture. I can hold my own when it comes to being hands-on with any kind of tool.

• Know how to use knives, from a small penknife or pocketknife up to a machete, and other sharp implements like axes and hatchets, again thanks to Pop. I've helped clear land, blaze trails in the jungle and cut wood.

• Am not averse to manual labor, even heavy and hard manual labor. I chose early on in life to pursue an office career of some kind so I wouldn't HAVE to do manual labor the rest of my life as a living, but I CAN do it.

• Can drive a tractor. Or, at least, I could when I was like 12. I actually haven't had any real opportunities to drive tractors since I came back to Guam, but my Uncle Tony, God rest his soul, taught me when I was young on his sprawling farm in Missouri. I learned other farm-related chores too — how to milk cow, how to bale and stack hay, use a pitchfork, etc.

• Love to fish. I can bait a hook, set a leader, fix a bobber and cast. I can take fish off hooks with no problem. If I do move, that's one of the things I'm looking forward to most ... freshwater fishing at lakes, ponds, rivers and streams. Most likely, it will be all catch and release though, as I really don't like eating fish.

And there you go ... a little bit about DZER that you never really knew you needed to know till now.