the return to the salt mines ...

Today was my first day back after a relaxing, do-nothing, three-day mini-vacation.

Even Fucking Bleah™ doesn't quite fit the bill.

It's not that I don't like my job. I'm lucky in that I'm not only good at what I do (with the awards to prove that I'm not JUST a bragging egotist! LOL), but I like what I do and, for the most part, the people with whom I work. Not only that, but I have a good job and am decently compensated -- something that many aren't so fortunate to experience. I'm much better off, overall, than a good majority of the workers out there, I think.

It's just that if I could maintain even my current moderate lifestyle without working, I'd be more than happy to do so. If I could receive what I make annually with no job required, I would be ecstatic -- I'd probably be much more lazy, unproductive and hermetic too.

I am not one of those people who would hit a lottery jackpot and continue to show up day in and day out at my old job. Which is why I buy lottery tickets now and then when the jackpot gets up past $5 million or so.

I also wouldn't be the type of person who blows through his entire winnings in a scant few years, becoming destitute or having to go back to work again. I don't have any plans for any real extravagant purchases, when it comes down to it.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I win a moderate lottery jackpot ... say $5 million. Right off the bat, 30 percent goes to the government. Didja know that? Gambling winnings of any kind over a certain level are taxed at 30 percent -- I knew this old man with whom I used to play poker. He won $10,000 in a grocery store contest of some kind. He ended up with $7,000 of it after taxes. Still not bad for filling out a form and putting it in a box, but Uncle Sam does take his cut.

$5 million winnings = $3.5 million after taxes

Again, still a nice little chunk of dough. So how do I spend it? First of all, I take care of a few others:

• About $200,000 to my mom, to pay off her house/farm and any other debts and let her live in relative comfort (not having to bust her ass). This would also cover the little debts I still owe her from over the years.

• $300,000 to R and S, my mulle' and pare', to use to build their house and to set up college/trust funds for my two godsons.

• About $300,000 to a certain someone to pay off her house and debt and let her not have to worry about struggling to make ends meet for a while. OK ... and I'll throw in the RV and maybe -- if she asks me REALLY nice -- the boob lift as well! LOL

So far, that's $800,000, which still leaves me $2.7 million. So what do I do with the rest?

• Pack up what I want to take with me, sell or give away the rest, and move stateside ... probably Indiana or somewhere else in Middle America. And to a smallish town -- I'm not a big fan of the city and although I like the country, I don't want to live there. I buy a nice, solid little two- or three-bedroom house for $100,000 to $150,000 and spend another $50,000 or so to upgrade and furnish it. Probably three-bedroom: a master bedroom with a ridiculously luxurious master bath; a guest bedroom; and an office. There WILL be a hot tub. All appliances and cabinets and doors and everything will be custom-fitted for my size ... no more super-low cabinet storage, no more bathroom sink that doesn't even reach my crotch. Short people will need to step on stuff to reach things, but that's not my problem. LOL

• I would purchase two vehicles -- a big, but not too big, pickup, because I'm half Chamorro and you can always use a truck; the second a car that's more fun, customized to fit my rather large body comfortably.

• The office will feature a top-of-the-line available Mac (maxed out on RAM and whatnot, naturally) and assorted hardware and software -- two big flat-panel monitors, commercial-grade printer and scanner, commercial-grade digital camera and video camera, publishing software (Quark, Photoshop, etc.) and anything else I can think of to add on, to include a top-of-the-line laptop so I can be fully portable. The house will have wireless broad-band Internet access, of course.

• That would still leave me well over $2 million. The bulk of that would be placed in safe, stable investments that allow me a nice little income just from the interest, on which I will live, primarily. I will still write professionally -- doing freelance work for local newspapers and other publications, as well as try my hand at selling articles to national publications. It would be nice to have a syndicated column, and perhaps a few books.

Pretty boring for a new millionaire, huh?

Oh well ... back to reality.

FUCKING FREAK OUT FUCKING FRIDAY!

I just had to share this ... regular visitors know my eyeball issues, and things like this always make me go "holy shit" and then hold my eyes until they start hurting. This guy is Claudio Paulo Pinto from Brazil and he hopes to get his protruding eyeballs (which pop 7 millimeters from his sockets) listed in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Wish him luck!!

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