I raise that weak-ass hand you're purporting to have ...

About the only activity that I enjoy playing more than golf (which I suck at) that doesn't involve a woman (not that women aren't welcome, but they are, but I was trying to present "having any type of sexual play and/or intercourse with a woman" in a good way, when I should have just written "other thank fucking chicks") is poker. Wow, that's a poorly constructed sentence.

Anyway, I've been playing poker since I was about 12 years old. At fiestas and other family parties, as the day wore on the cards were inevitably broken out at the back of the house, away from all the guests. Most of the time there was a friendly, family table, though often there was another table of no-mercy, cut-throat poker, family or not.

One of my uncles taught me how to play, initially. He was a crazy player, a master bluffer and an all around good guy. About 20 years ago, doctors gave him about a year to live. He quit drinking and quit smoking. The year passed. Then five. So he started drinking a little bit again — just a scotch or a seven-seven here and there. 10 years passed. So he started smoking again, though not as much as he once did. He's determined that the doctors that gave him 12 months to croak are dead and buried long before he decides to take the big dirt nap. He rocks.

But stay away a safe distance from him, ladies. He's pugnacious and more than overtly flirty — if you have a pinchable ass and get near his hands, your ass will be pinched.

Anyway, he got me hooked. He would serve as my backer for years — providing me money to play. If I lost, he lost. If I won, I got to keep half of anything above the money he started me out with. So I learned to play relatively conservatively, to ensure I would take home money. I stayed out of iffy hands and only bet it up hard when I had the monster hands.

The hardest thing to do, unless you have a bunch of friends who already play, is trying to find a regular game. Some of my friends and I had a semi-regular game for a while. We played about every two weeks. The most anyone would lose was $40, and that was a BAD night. But people get married and have kids (other people, not me). This puts a severe cramp on poker.

Luckily, I had another semi-regular game. But that eventually broke up. Finally, I got sponsored into a bigger-money regular game. I had some great streaks at that house. Once I paid my rent and utilities — about $750 a month — with poker winnings two months in a row. I had my losing nights, but my father taught me to set a limit of what you can afford to lose and stick to it. Once I hit that mark, I stop playing. I don't dig myself deeper trying to win it back.

It's some of the best poker advice I've ever received. My dad gave it to me early on, when my uncle was teaching me the game, and often in the years after that. His father, my grandpa, was an inveterate gambler; likely compulsive. He lost a lot. At one point, my grandmother gave her brother power of attorney over our family land to ensure that my grandfather didn't gamble it away. Unfortuately, my grandmother passed not long after that, and my grandfather passed soon after. My bastard great uncle kept the land. My side of the family hasn't talked to his side since then.

Anyway, my grandpa's gambling had a deep affect on my dad. He rarely gambled, and only then in the friendly family games. And that's why he urged me to set limits of what I could afford to lose and to stick to it. And so I do. And so, even though I have losing nights, I have more winning nights. And the amount I win is more, balanced out, than what I lose.

So shuffle 'em up!!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Some of the best food at a Chamorro fiesta isn't necessarily served out in the front of the house. While the food there is certainly fantastic, and there's plenty of it and it comes in a wide variety of types of food, the outdoor kitches at the back of the house is where the real homey food is cooked. While it's not fancy, it's delicious. So if you're ever on Guam and get to go to a fiesta, take a chance and ask the host if you can take a look at the back kitchen. Your tummy will thank you.