revelation ...

a friend of mine recently made a very good point during a painful argument/conversation. she said that maybe I should make another clean break from another of your friends.

and it really got me thinking. anyone who's actually read some of the stuff on here know that I have a LOT of issues. One of those is friends; I simply don't have as many as I used to. and I used to have several very close, very tight friendships. Not so much anymore.

i've written that it was mostly because they have changed and I haven't. but thinking about the point my friend made led me to a mini-revelation, a partial epiphany.

I push away people. Sure, I put on a good façade, but I seem to — intentionally or not, consciously or not — take steps to distance myself from people once I get close to them.

And I think I figured out why.

My dad died nine years ago.

I'd had other people in my life die before — grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but I was never really all that close to those people. I was sad when they died. I missed them. I even cried a bit for some of them.

but that was nothing like losing my dad. I don't think it helped that I was the one who found him. he'd been dead for a little while. i knew that, but I still rolled him over and tried to give him cpr, mouth-to-mouth. even though I knew it wouldn't do any good. My mom was there too. I had to yell at her that pop was dead. I had to tell my youngest brother and watch as the new broke him.

his death shattered me. it broke me into disassociative pieces. I'm still not at piece with it. I still miss him like crazy. I'm crying like a child trying to write this. this happens almost whenever I think of him. i never thought I could miss a person this much.

he was such a good man. such a great father. I didn't come close to appreciating that while he was alive. it kills me that i could never tell him how much I loved him face to face. I could never come close to showing any kind of real familial affection or love. I could have and should have done more. I just didn't.

he was only 55 years old. he should have had decades more of life and family. he took such good care of his sons, daughters, wife, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. he was the rock of this family, both immediate and extended.

i don't want to ever have to go through anything like that again; i don't want to lose someone that means so much to me. i don't want to feel those emotions and feelings; it's selfish and childish, i know, but I can't help it.

So i push people away. I keep them at arm's length, if not further. I don't want them to be too close, when it comes down to it.

If you're one of these people, I'm sorry. you deserve a better friend, a stronger friend, a more emotionally stable and less selfish friend.