The Anecdote Game!!!

Bored and alone on a Saturday night — an unfortunately all-too-common occurrence in my sad and insignificant existence that I like to call my life — I came up with the following:

I will write several short little anecdotes about me. Here’s the catch — you guys get to guess which one of them, or which ones of them, or whether any of them, is/are true. Now, I might use a situation that I was in, or a location where I lived, but that in and of itself will not make the anecdote true. For example, if I write about trapeze classes taken while I lived in Okinawa, even though I actually lived in Okinawa doesn’t mean I took trapeze classes there. Of course, it doesn’t mean I didn’t.

You get the picture — and speaking of which, I may use pictures to illustrate one or more of the anecdotes. Again, just because a picture is used doesn’t mean the story that goes with it is factual. If any of you have heard one or more of these anecdotes from me over the years — looks specifically at Chrissie — don’t spoil it right off the bat for others. Make a guess/reply but don’t say, “I remember when you told me about the trapeze classes! Classic!”

Let the game begin.

Anecdote 1:
So these two strippers meet me for lunch (at a nice bistro in a local hotel by the beach). Something in me, for some reason, expected them to show up in stripper clothes and shoes — and they saw that, in my blushing face, when they reached the table — the small but shapely Asian one in her overalls and sneaks, and the lanky, tall, lean California girl in cargo shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops.

It was a nice lunch — very friendly, chit-chatty and engaging. The Cali girl was a bit … well, Cali. You know, a little spacey and ditzy, but not exactly stupid. Ms. Asia was another ball of wax — bright, witty and engaged in the world; we had a great philosophical discussion regarding environmental policy. She was only stripping to pay for college, after all. But then again, isn’t almost every stripper?

I won major brownie points from both of them because they wanted to go to the hotel’s fabulous pool to get some sun. In fact, they’d been twice before, the second time being chased out because they weren’t registered guests. Anyway, I was a premiere member in the hotel’s dining club, and thus had a few perks, including full access to the pool for myself and guests. So I got to spend an afternoon in the shade of an umbrella while my two vixenish vamps tanned and glistened in the tropical sunshine. What is it about women putting tanning lotion on each other?

Anecdote 2:
I can’t believe I got busted. I was sooooo good at it, and yet here I was in the back office, waiting for the cops to come and arrest me for shoplifting. First time I’d been caught in my whole young life. And all for a lousy roll of film that I didn’t even need.

I was scared to my toes — worried they’d call my parents, worried I’d serve time in jail. My hopes and dreams for the future were ruined, I was so sure of it. I was sweating bullets. It seemed to take forever before a cop finally showed up.

All that ended up happening was me getting a ticket. Whew! I still had to appear in court and pay a fine, but at least I wasn’t hauled away in handcuffs, and at least I didn’t have to call my dad from jail to bail me out (he would have killed me!!). Also, I was banned for life from the store, but it was a sucky story in a sucky place. And, thank God, juvenile records are expunged once a person reaches adulthood.

Anecdote 3:
I always was a great student. It was just something I had a gift for, something I took to naturally. In high school, I would help friends out with their projects and papers. Why not? They were friends, right?

So I continued to do the same in college. But after a little while, I realized that I was a sucker. I was putting in a lot of work and effort and not getting very much in return, other than a few thank yous. So I started offering myself on a professional basis. Tutoring, polishing term papers, editing, researching, layout and design of papers and projects, etc. I even would prepare study guides for some classes, based on my personal note-taking and studying system. Students who used my study preps invariably did better on tests and exams than they did before using the study guides.

Every once in a while though, I’d still help a friend out, and usually for free. But one semester, this beautiful little woman friend I’d known for years needed a lot of help with a major project. It involved a lot of research, helping her with the writing and editing, doing illustrations and mock-ups of ads and pamphlets, etc. I told her I’d help her — but only if she would let me have a half hour with her naked body. There would be no intercourse, but I’d be free to use my hands and mouth as I wanted.

She was stunned, and initially refused me cold, storming away. But a couple of days later she called me. The deadline was closer and she know she wasn’t going to meet it without me, or that even if she did, the grade wouldn’t be what she needed, which was an A. But she wouldn’t do 30 minutes naked. How about 15 minutes topless?

She agreed. We started working on the project and the next night, a few hours from completion — we were working late in my office because of the computer/printer access — I asked for payment. She tried to get me to wait until the project was done, but I said there was no way to guarantee that she’d go through with her end of the project unless I asked for it before it was done. So she agreed, but just as we were about to get started, a senior editor came in to get something he’d forgotten. Yikes! Luckily, he left quick, and we moved to the women’s bathroom — where a couch was conveniently located. I collected (and while she was cold at first, after 10 minutes she’d warmed up pretty good), we finished, she got her “A.”

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam only has one "lake," and it's not natural. Fena Lake is actually a reservoir, built by the Navy years ago and used to help provide drinking water to the island.