traffic can be a bitch ... and going down?

At least my view was fantastic. That's the crystal-clear Pacific Ocean off to the right, bitches!

Turns out there was a small fender bender. And the cars involved were already pulled into a parking lot. But, for some reason, four cops were parked in the right lane having a nice friendly chat while traffic around 5:30 p.m. tried to merge from three backed-up lanes into two, with no help from the said police officers, save the flashing blue-and-red lights on top of one of the police cruisers.

Anyway, since there seems to be a dearth of knowledge regarding elevators out there — at least based on the idiots I've had to refrain from strangling over the past couple of days — I will share some basic elevator rules.

• If you are only going up or down one floor ... walk the stairs!

• If the up button between the two elevators is lit up and you're on the first floor, it means someone has already pressed it and the elevator eventually will come down to take you up. Pressing it again doesn't speed things up. Pressing it twice in a row when it's already lit doesn't either.

• Don't stand in front of the doors, ready to charge into the elevator car. Sometimes, there are people on the elevator who need to get off. The elevator doors won't close super-fast if you take your fucking time, have a bit of patience, and exhibit a degree of manners in letting people off before you try to get on.

• If you are not on the top or bottom floors, before you try to get on, check to see whether the elevator is going up or down. There are indicators that reveal this information, especially when there is more than one elevators. Yes, you do look like an idiot when you're waiting to go up and jump onto the elevator going down, only having to jump off again.

• When you do get into the elevator, move to the side or the back. Or I will use my body mass to crush you, fucker. If you're only going up one floor and don't want to get trapped in the back, then wait to get on till last.

• When you're in the elevator, if your floor button is pressed, it doesn't need to be pressed again. See the second tip above.

• If someone is behind you in the elevator needs to get off, let them pass. But only if they say, "Excuse me." If they just try to push and wedge their way by, you're allowed to block them or trip them.

• If you plan to ride in any elevator, whether it's once or multiple times, or even if you think there's a chance you will, please wash your ass and use deodorant. The rest of us don't need to share in the funk that is your unwashed, stanky-ass self.

• When you get on the elevator, turn around and face the door. Looking back at the other passengers makes you weird and scary, and a fellow rider will be justified in sticking a shiv into your liver.

• Only polite small talk allowed.

• If you're in the elevator and the doors begin to close and you see someone approaching who obviously wants to get on the elevator — and you're alone — you're allowed to pretend to try to push the "open doors" button while actually pressing the "close doors" button. I mean, fuck, you're in a hurry, right?

• If a child enters the elevator with a parent, then proceeds to hit every single button for every single floor, you're legally entitled to bitch-slap the parent. I'm pretty sure it's legal. Well, you can at least glare at them REALLY hard.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• During the Vietnam War, the military had three primary uses for the island: 1. Staging ground for B-52s (BUFFs, of Big, Ugly Flying Fuckers) to launch carpet-bombing missions. 2. As a medical facility. At the time, Guam Naval Hospital was staffed with some of the best neurosurgeons in the United States. Guam is where they sent head and spinal-cord injuries. 3. Liberty station. Not as popular as Hawaii or Japan, but it did in a pinch.