It was just hair yesterday ...

It might surprise some of you loyal blog readers (up to 6.5, according to the latest Gallup polls), but the DZER was not born bald. Umm ... wait a minute. I WAS born bald! No, I wasn't, really.

I was one of those kids with a few wispy blonde hairs — which quickly grew into a crazy and mangled mop. Growing up, I always had a very full, thick head of hair. This photo is from when I was about 2 I think, with my sister Connie on the back steps of our Rome, N.Y. house that I totally don't remember.

When I was really young, my brother I and sported crew cuts, but they had to be done every couple of weeks — that's how fast my hair grew. When I started going to the barber, they would use the thinning scissors — those monster teeth looking ones — to hack away at the thickness before they would actually cut my hair.

When I was in junior high and high school, I wore my hair as long as I could get away with. My dad WAS an Air Force senior master sergeant, so my brothers and I would get VERY strong hints to get a haircut when our gorgeous tresses reached a certain length.

Once I was out of high school though, even when living with my parents, my dad let me do what I wanted to with my hair. I became a man in the house the day when I was 17) HE bummed a cigarette from ME while we worked together on my beat-up piece-of-shit 1976 Ford Pinto. Yes, it was a very male bonding moment — a father and son, all dirty and greasy with a carburetor all torn up, sharing cigs. *sniff*

Anyway, that didn't keep him from making fun of me — such as the time I tried to get the sides of my hair dyed blonde, to make my semi-mohawkish top stand really out. They woman put the stuff on, let it set ... it didn't take. She repeated. I ended up with a reddish tint to the sides, which led my dad to ask me, when I got home, what clown college I'd signed up with. I TRIED to find a pic of that debacle, but I seem to be missing a passel of photographs. I'm sure I still have them; I just need to find where I put them.

So here's a pic of me from freshman year in college. This was taken at the Great America in New Jersey. I went up to visit some high school friends for my spring break trip. I think this was taken in front of one of the fountains in the place. I remember I only went on a couple rides, but I did win TWO giant stuffed animals. So did my friend Charlie. Only my friend's sister's boyfriend — the superstar jock college football player — failed to perform. She got one of my two. That part wasn't relative to my story, but if you haven't noticed by now, loyal readers (those who aren't loyal or are just new here and aren't loyal yet, make sure you read the archives — it's all just as amazingly funny and well-written as this!!) Anyway, take a look. That's a LOT of hair, especially when you compare it to what I have, or rather don't have, now.

This next one is from a year or two down the road, at the wedding reception of one of my friends. Again, still a lot of hair. In fact, I have a picture of it from later in the night, when we went out, which makes me look like I'm wearing a big box of stand-up hair. And no, you don't get to see that one! LOL

So what happened? Did the DZER (and yes, I'm getting off on the third-person reference) start losing his hair? Is he suffering from male pattern baldness?

No. to both. I still could have a full head of hair if I so chose. What happened was this: I got tired of dealing with an unruly mop of hair. I had to wash it daily, and had to use massive amounts of head & shoulders to control the dandruff. I had combs. I had brushes. I had not only shampoo, but conditioner. Hell, I had PRODUCT! Ack!! Yep, I had mousse and styling gel ... and hair spray. It was a pain in the ass to keep my hair looking good ... plus, it was hot under all that hair here on Guam.

So I started wearing it shorter. I left it a little long at the top and buzzed the sides. That progressed to something of a flattop/crewcut deal. At the time, I was still a military dependent and thus going to the military barbers, so I said "fuck it" and went with the high and tight cut. That lasted quite awhile.

Then, one day, in the barbershop, I again said "fuck it" and told the barber to shave it ALL off. No, not just with the clippers down to the nub — go there and then break out the straight razor and SHAVE IT to the scalp! Luckily for me, I have a pretty decent looking head. I've seen people shave their head, usually guys losing their hair, and they have ugly skulls — badly shaped, or with some kind of leftover cro-magnon thing going on. Or their head just looks ... wrong on top of their body. It's hard to explain, but you know it when you see it.

So now you know the story of DZER and his hair — or lack of it ... on his head, you dirty thinking freaks!!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Ancient Chamorro males wore something of a topknot; they kep their heads shaved close except for a long bunch of hair on the top, back of the skull.