Lessons that I should have learned by now ... but haven't

1. When women say "I think a good sense of humor is the most important quality in a man," the definition of "man" is "good-looking, athletic male."

2. Never go all in with three jacks when there's a queen on the table.

3. Some friendships don't last, no matter what you do.

4. Stupid people can't suddenly become non-stupid, no matter how hard you try to teach them.

5. The strippers only care about your money, not you personally.

6. When people say "I'd love to come to Guam someday" what they mean is "Where the fuck is Guam?"

7. Some people can actually tell when I'm making fun of them, no matter how smooth I think I am.

8. Mixing colors with whites saves time at the laundro-mat, but it fucks up your clothes.

9. Wendy's burgers suck.

10. I can't go back in time to do things right. Once the opportunity has past, it is lost.

11. My apartment won't clean itself, and the little magical elves who fix shoes won't do it either.

12. If there really is a God, he's a very hands-off manager.

13. Often, crime really does pay.

14. Until I am rich enough to be able to play and/or practice golf on a daily basis, I won't get much better than I am now, and right now I suck.

15. Just because people are friendly with you doesn't mean they're your friends.

16. I will die lonely and likely alone ... and no one will know for a couple of days, so my corpse will REALLY stink when they finally break into the apartment.

17. Children have no propriety filter, which means they are unflinchingly honest.

18. About 99.9 percent of the stuff they sell on informercials are complete crap and don't work. Some exceptions: The George Foreman grill, the set-it-and-forget-it rotisserie.

19. As much as I think it would be the perfect career for me, I will never play poker professionally.

20. Not all lists need to end on an even number.

Animal Planet and Discovery Channel

OK, as if my bank of useless trivia weren't already large enough, extensive watching of the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet has boosted the amount of meaningless minutae by an inordinate amount.

Do I need to know that female hyenas have clitorises that are, oddly enough, shaped like penises?

I now know much more about the bushmaster, the reticulated python, the boomslang and the fer de lance than anyone other than a herpetologist — or someone bitten by one of the aforementioned snakes — has any business knowing.

I also have a treasure trove of data on ancient Peruvians, theories about Atlantis being in South America and crop circles.

My curse is to know a little about a whole lot of things.

just wondering ...

How many people who are married or in a serious relationship and go through an "Extreme Makeover" do you think stay with their significant other for any length of time afterward?

I was just flipping through the channels and this mom was remade ... and she was truly hot.

I'm sure the husband was happy ... after all, he loved her and stayed with her when she was non-hot. So he totally got an upgrade. What did she get? The same old guy she left behind before she was fabulous and sexy.

And even if they stay together, I'm sure his jealousy wire is on super sensitive. He's probably constantly checking out who's checking out his now-hot wife, and how she's taking it, and whether she's encouraging it and flirting and stuff.

Was just wondering.