Saturday, December 03, 2005

take it off ... take it ALL off ...

A nice little photo essay. All pics of me in the barber chair were taken by me, with my handy little digital aimed at the shop's mirrors. LOL

This is my barbershop. Conveniently, it's located just about a 3-iron away from my apartment in Anigua. I used to go to a couple of different places, but the guy who shaves my head at this place does a good job and, again, it's close.

Here's my barber, just finishing up with the anti-hair cover/apron/whatever the hell it is. He's shaved my head dozens of times ... and yet I still don't know his name.

I love getting my head shaved in a barber shop. I can do it at home and do, but not often. The barber-shop head shave is my little luxurient purchase every week or two. There's nothing like a straight razor shearing the hair off your head, nice and clean and close to the skull. The feeling of sharp metal sliding along the scalp ... mmmmm. But don't take my word for it ... try it yourself! LOL

Here I am getting the shaving cream put on. On the name thing: You know what? He doesn't know mine either. He's hoss and I'm boss. "OK, boss, all done." I hand over a $20, getting $5 in change — $10 for the "haircut," $5 tip. "Thanks, hoss." I'm sure we'll exchange Christian names at some point in our relationship.

Oh, and as I've stated before. I'm not bald. I'm not even balding. Hell, my hair isn't even thinning. I just like the way I look with my head shaved. And those who have seen me with hair usually agree. LOL

The end result. Nice and cleanly shaved. No nicks or cuts. Definitely worth $15, especially when you consider he shaves my face as well and gives me a good 5- to 10-minute neck rub using one of those old-school, metal vibrating hands of death in anything but the hands of a master massagers. Nice.

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DZER's Guam Pics has been updated with a bunch of new photos. There are some of flowers (see above), some views of Hagåtña, more trees and sky and clouds, even a pack of wild, carnivorous chickens!
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Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Anigua is technically not its own village. It's a part of Guam's capitol, Hagåtña.

Friday, December 02, 2005

hot diggity DOG ...


Loyal readers of my blog, those who have been coming here for the last month or so, anyway, know that I've been talking about getting a dog.

Hoping to get a dog.

Planning on getting a dog.

Just waiting for the right moment to get a dog.

Some of you have been bugging me about when I'm getting the dog.

Do I have the dog yet?

Where's the dog?

We want the DOG!!

Well, I've finally bitten the bullet.

Taken the plunge.

Went the last yard.

Gone the distance.

Purchased the pooch.

Yep, DZER now has a dog.

He's small and he's fuzzy and he's brown.

He's got big eyes and is just so cute and loving!!

I'm looking forward to teaching him tricks and taking a lot more photos of me and him in the future.

I'm torn between naming him "Fido" and "Dog."

What's your opinion on the name?

Well, without any further ado ... a pic of my pooch:


I keeeeeeeeeeeeel me!!!

all i want for christmas ...

Anyone have a Jack-In-The-Box in their neck of the woods?


I love Jack-In-The-Box, but the closest one is Hawai'i ... I ate there a lot the last time I was there.

I have a regular Jack antenna head ... he sits on top of the U.S. flag on my monitor at work.

I really, REALLY want the three holiday balls. One of each.

Can anyone hook me up? Hell, I'll be willing to send you postage. Or something from Guam in trade.

Let me know. My mailing address is over to the right.

Dankolo na si Yu'us ma'ase!

For Chrissie: Nandri! (just cuz I know you know some of this LOL)

For Jax: Maraming salamat po!

For buttah: Toda raba!

For grainne: Takk!

For murph and gigi: Go raibh maith agat!

For Deb: Grazie!

For Horsn: Thankee kindly, pardner!

For lilith: Thanks, y'all!

For those whose nationalities/regions I don't know: Thanks and thank you!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

short one for now ...

Lot of work to get done tonight:

• Next round of Jingle George. Hmm ... that reminds me ... forgot to give you guys the link to the last one. It was a shortie: Jingle George No. 3 The one for this Saturday will be about non-wrapping paper wrapping tricks and techniques.

• Weekend editing. I'm planning to play golf on Sunday, so I want to get as much advance work out of the way as possible, so will do some advance editing of columns, letters and articles. See how serious I am about it? I just like the way the angle worked out on this one ... makes me actually look a little small. Well, not really ... but a man can dream LOL

Did have a pretty good day though:

• The annual Christmas bonus came a little earlier than normal this year; usually it's given out the day before the Christmas party, which would have been next week. I'm VERY happy with mine, especially because they did recognize the work I did and continue to do on a project that meant a LOT of extra time and effort well apart from my usual duties.

• Got several more Christmas presents out of the way. One godson is going to LOVE me for the set of junior golf clubs he will be getting. He loves going out to the driving range with my dad and me, and now he will have his own little set, complete with a little golf bag! Took care of two other friends, a coworker, two stateside friends and the family of a friend. *whew*

• Had a great Thai dinner — chicken pahd thai and beef panang ... mmm ... I am SO full. Too many carbs! I'm a bit lazy and logy, which is another reason this one is short.

And now for something completely different

OK ... I've just started working on two more erotica stories, one at the request of the very hot, very bang-able gigi. Seriously; what's wrong with the males in that area? Is there saltpeter or some other chemical in the water?

Anyway, my point is this: If you have an idea or scenario for an erotica story that you'd like me to write, give me a holler. It won't GUARANTEE that I will write it, or even that I'll write it exactly as you want it (unless you're willing to PAY... LOL), but I'd love to hear your thoughts/suggestions/ideas. :)

Also ... if you have a request for what you want me to talk about, or hear me say, on a audioblog, let me know. Advance warning: If you want me to say your name in a sexy, deep voice while grunting, growling or saying 'oh yes baby" or the like ... again, you will have to PAY! LOL

That holiday train thing ...

Wanted to share photos of the PDN's "building" on the Hilton Holiday Express Train.

Here's out little part of it. We're in the middle there.

Closer up. Look at the chimney. Who's that? Yep ... Jingle George!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• One of the best places to eat a greasy, heavy, late night meal after a night full of partying is Linda's Cafe in East Hagåtña. I'm still trying to talk Oh So Wonderful into meeting me there one night to buy her some corned-beef fried rice ... oh, it'll clog yer arteries quick, but fuck it's good!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Hellooooo baaaby! Audiblog No. 2 comin' at ya!

this is an audio post - click to play

Hopefully I won't sound like fat Elvis making a guest appearance on the Chipmunks' latest album this time ... LOL

Updates ... again

This was supposed to be an audioblog ... but it came out all fucked up; at too fast of a speed. Oh well ... I'll try again later.

Check out some new photos of Guam — taken earlier today — on my DZER’s Guam Pics photoblog. You know you wanna — especially those of you who already are tired of snow.

Don’t miss another BRAND NEW, freshly written erotica piece, "VIP Lounge," which you can find at DZEROTICA. Sorry naughty one ... beat ya to it! LOL

Oh, and here's me, all cool and driving home from work in my shades and Hawaiian-print shirt.

Don't forget to check out this week's early Guam HNT.

And yes ... I HAVE been a very busy boy. LOL

x-rated xmas hnt ... ho ho ho

A very, VERY bad Santa


happy early HNT from Guam, where it WILL be Thursday in the matter of a few hours.

and now ... especially for grainne (you did ask for it darlin' ... kinda):

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
The naughty version by DZER
with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
I was banging my wife, like a hot horny spouse;
The stockings that she wore were fishnet and black ,
No thoughts on St. Nicolas, just her on her back;

The children we made sure to send early to bed,
So my sugar-plum could properly give me good head;
And mamma in her nightie and riding my cock,
Had just settled into some filthy and dirty talk,
When out on the lawn there arose such a roar,
I sprang from the bed — my wife spilled to the floor.
Away to the window I flew naked as a jay,
Tore open the shutters and said, “What the hey?”

The moon on the breast of my wife’s brand-new tits
Gave the lustre of mid-day to her piercing’s sparkly bits,
When, what to my fucking amazed eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny fucking reindeer,
With a little old driver, who had a clear shot of my dick,
The twinkle in his eye made it clear it was St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles those freaky reindeer came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dildo! now, Stripper! now, Pricker and Hot-Ass!
On, Cumbucket! on Virgin! on, Cockring and Climax!
To the top of the porch! To the left! To the right!”
It appeared he was drunk driving on this chilly night.
As dry leaves that before the wild typhoon fly,
The reindeer seemed drunk too, or possibly high,
The top of a house was where they dumped their poo,
As they pulled a big sled and St. Nicholas too.

And then, I couldn’t fucking believe it, I heard on the roof
The loud stomping and smashing of each little hoof.
As I drew my glock, and was turning around,
Down the chimney fat Santa came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fetish gear, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were even blacker with ashes and soot;
A bundle of adult toys he had flung over his back,
And he looked like a sext store owner opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they leered! his dimples how merry!
My wife said, “Hey, fatso! You took my fucking cherry!”
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a sneer,
As those twinkling, drunken eyes started to leer;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
A cloud of marijuana smoke circled him like a wreath;
He had a broad face and an obvious raging stiff boner,
And a laugh that would freak out a serial killer loner.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old perv,
He grabbed my wife’s ass — that took fucking nerve;
A wink of his eye and a then felt up her tits,
He didn’t stop until she gave him four little hits;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Then dropped his pants and give his cock a quick jerk,
Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
Smelling his own cum, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to the sled, to drunk deer gave a whistle,
And shot off like some kind of ballistic missile.

But I heard him swear before he flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, I hope you get laid tonight!”

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• "I irensia, lina'la', espiritu-ta" is a Chamorro saying that means "Our heritage gives life to our spirit."

new erotica up ...

the sex dream related erotica is finally finished. check it out at DZEROTICA. Let me know what you think. ;)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

you had me at ...

OK, I admit it. I'm NOT the big, tough, macho he-man that I come across as on this blog. That's right. I'm a fraud. I'm not a heartless prick (all the time). I'm not a wanker (well, sometimes). I'm not a big jerk (except sometimes — ask Chrissie ... no, wait ... don't ask her!).

Oh, I play the role. But I'm seriously deficient in several different major guy categories that prevent me from being the mannish man that all of us (straight)men want to be, long to be, need to be.

• I can't fix my truck, or cars in general. I started off good, but I can't deal with all the computer chips and shit now. I'd rather have someone else change my oil and spark plugs, thanks. I CAN and do change my own tires though — no calling a service or the insurance company, even though it's a part of my policy.

• I am not a stud. I have slept with far fewer women than most men. I don't — can't and won't — treat them like shit. I'm too faithful and loyal, if and when I am with a woman, to cheat on her. I treat women well. This is an impairment to being the studly player — after all, the nice guy doesn't get the frequent one-night stands. It just doesn't happen to the caring, treat-them-right fellas.

• I write poetry — free verse, sonnets, haiku, even the occasional epic. I mean, c'mon. Seriously.

• I don't like beer very much. I'll drink it now and again, but I can't drink it regularly, like it was a Coke or iced tea. I don't like most booze, when it comes down to it. I can't stand most whisky, scotch, rum, gin and especially tequila. I like vodka OK, but rarely drink.

• But my biggest infraction: I like romantic comedies. Or comedic romances.

I always have, and I'm sure I always will. What are some of my favorites? There are really too many to mention, but I will tell you some of my favorites. Please note: This list is far from complete. It's just the ones that came to mind when I was thinking about it and this post. I'm sure there are tons of others ones that I'm not listing here.

"Can't Buy Me Love."

"When Harry Met Sally."

"Sleepless in Seattle."

"It Happened One Night."

"Philadelphia Story."


"Love Actually" ... which I'm watching right now, actually.

"Say Anything."

"High Fidelity."

"You've Got Mail."

There are a lot of commonalities in this short list. John Cusack, for one. He's a highly under-rated actor. Meg Ryan, for another. There was always something about her smile that made me melt inside a little — that still makes me melt inside a little. Yet another: Almost always, these stories involve the old and trite "guy meets girl, guy fucks up and loses girl, guy gets girl back" theme. Overplayed. Overdone. And yet I can't get enough of it.

"Why?" you ask. Well, probably none of you actually REALLY asked. I'm guessing none. Not one of you said, to yourself or out loud, "Gee, I wonder why Duane likes that theme if it is so trite and trivial, so overplayed and overdone." But it's a literary device which allows me to smoothly segue into the next part of my diatribe. Except I've fucked that up by interjecting this whole explaining part in the middle of it. Forgive me; I've been reading Mike's funny blog so often that, apparently, I am now stealing his devices in a most blatant way. Hell, imitation is the highest form of flattery isn't it? Or is that ass kissing? LOL

Going back to the why.

It's because I'm an emotional masochist; I like the hopeless, shattering, wrenching poignant pains I actually, physically FEEL when I hear the trite and sappy lines, when he breaks her heart, when she breaks his heart, when she finds out what he did or when he finds out what she did. I revel in the feeling of that pain, which is usually accompanied by chills and the welling of tears.

I guess I feel I can identify with the character feeling the pain. It resonates in me. I like knowing that someone else, at that very moment, is feeling that dull, stabbing throb of hurt as I am — even if they are an actor in a movie on the screen of my television.

But then that hurt is redoubled when they get back together, as they almost invariably do in these movies. OF COURSE they get back together! It's a Hollywood movie; they pander to what we want to see. And none of us want to see these people heartbroken and alone and in pain.

Because all too many of us deal with those feelings on a daily basis in our real lives. These are the emotions of our daily existence. We go to the movies to escape that, to get away from that. If we are reminded of it in the break-up scene, we NEED to see the happy resolution to that. We need that gift of hope, that feeling that things can get better, that love can happen and last, that mistakes can be forgiven and erased.

Even though we know it's not real, that the world doesn't work like it.

Watch "Heavy" if you haven't already. That movie hit so close to the bone it boggled my mind.

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Addendum: Yes, I know I've blogged on something along these lines before, a while ago. But this is a little more fleshed out.

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Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Triste yu ... yan puti i korasón-hu.

DZER's first audioblog!

this is an audio post - click to play


Monday, November 28, 2005

more snail mail!

The second entry in the "Snail Mail the DZER" contest has been received!

Contestant No. 2 is Gigi. As you can see from the picture, I am now the proud owner of some New York dead foliage, sealed in plastic. I recognize the different leaf varieties from the times I have lived in the states and it's really a VERY COOL gift for me — we don't have any of these trees growing on island — duh, it's a tropical rainforest vs. a deciduous forest climate, so trees from one area don't usually grow in the other. The envelope was decorated in Thanksgiving hand turkeys, courtesy of Gigi's lovely daughters (pauses for polite applause).

There was also a Thanksgiving card, sealed with a kiss on the inside. Her lips seem petite, which make sense on a petite lady, but I'm sure they'd still fit around ... well ... things to be put into a mouth ;)

There's also a personal note — on pink stationery, complete with pink envelope. No perfume or scent on it though. I won't reveal whats' written in the note ... I will only tell you that I'm still blushing!! LOL

So, Gigi ... thanks sweetie!! *big smooches*

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam's jungle is technically a tropical rain forest. Yeah, it's short and boring. Sue me.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The wedding post ... finally!

The wedding was simple and beautiful. One of the Guam Supreme Court justices conducted the service, which was held at this small little park off to the far eastern end of the hotel’s property.

From there, you can look over the Pacific Ocean, with Puntan Dos Amantes — Two Lovers Point — in the background. In the photo above, it’s the nearest coastal cliff. Guam legend has it that a young Chamorro man and young Chamorro woman were in love. However, the girl’s father promised her to a Spanish officer. The two ran away, to be pursued by the father, the Spanish officer and her men. They reached the edge of the cliff and knew they couldn’t go on. But they also couldn’t go back. So they entwined their hair, held each other in a tight embrace and jumped. Their bodies were never found.

Hmm … kind of a depressing story in relation to a wedding, but there you go.

Like I said, it was a beautiful ceremony, given the location. The weather was perfect. It was held at 5:30, as twilight approached, making the lighting perfect. And though it was warm for anyone in a tuxedo or suit, there was a cool breeze and there was ample water available.

Oh, did I mention that the groom, a co-worker of mine, is the son of the hotel’s general manager? That’s a REALLY good thing when you hold a wedding at a hotel. The staff is sure to work double hard to make sure everything is right, so you get the best service. You also get no expense spared for everything else, including food.

Once the ceremony was over and I congratulated the groom and kissed the bride — who, by the way, is a close family friend. That is to say, I’m a close friend to her and her family — and then headed over to the hotel. They had cocktails for everyone in a recently remodeled restaurant across the hall from the reception hall — which is the second largest ballroom in the hotel. Simply lovely.

After that it was across the hall to the reception. I got lucky and chose a table near the buffet lines, including the station serving roast pig and Beef Wellington. I know, huh? Fucking Beef Wellington, at a reception for more than 200 (estimated).

The justice came over and sat next to me, along with her husband, a prominent dentist. Also at the table was one of the island’s top attorneys, a friend of mine who’s a semi-prominent businessman and his wife and young son, and the superintendent of the school system, where the bride works.

I then did the preliminaries, as emcee — announcing the bride and the groom as they came in, then announcing everyone in the entourage, as well as special guests. I also announced the toasts of the matron of honor and best man, who also happened to be the groom’s father. Then, I got to invite everyone to eat.


Four words: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

The food was top-notch and world-class. And there was TONS of it! I’m hungry again just thinking back to last night to make this post. Fucking amazing. OK … enough teasing:

• The salad station. It wasn’t a giant one, but it wasn’t iceberg lettuce and radishes, you know? There were several cold salads also available, such as macaroni and pasta. This station also had imported German cold cuts — pastrami, salami, Genoa salami, Parma ham, prosciutto.

• The seafood station. Picture a giant, three-tier silver fountain, each tier deep dishes. Ice on the bottom of each tier, which are stacked and packed with the following: king crab; mussels; oysters; shrimp; prawns. There also were a variety of other seafood dishes — about five or six others. I didn’t pay too much attention to it; I had some crab but I’m not big into seafood.

• Main buffet line. Rice (the sticky short-grain that’s served in Chinese/Asian restaurants), a vegetable dish, roasted potatoes with garlic (yes! fuck!), sliced beef tenderloin in a gravy, fish filets in a sauce (not sure what kind; again, not big on fish and seafood), a noodle dish I think and lamb. Oh, and right before the buffet line was basically three wide, deep shelves filled with a variety of bread and rolls, plus butter.

• Korean station. Noodles and other side dishes, beef bulgogi, grilled boneless chicken breast, a spicy version of the bulgogi.

• Roy’s station. The hotel has a Roy’s Restaurant — the one from Hawaii, if you know it. If you don’t amazing food — it’s one of those expensive, fancy dinner restaurants. Their special Mongolian ribs — meat falling off the bone, melting in your mouth … basically, orgasm-inducing meat. Fancied up oysters on the half shell. Their special crab rolls.

• Sushi station. This place also has an AMAZING Japanese teppanyaki restaurant with top-of-the-line sushi chefs. It’s one of my favorite all-time restaurants (It’s the one reopening soon, where we had the cocktails. Come on, keep up!). They had several platters of pre-made sushi — California rolls, tempura shrimp rolls. Two of the chefs were also there to hand-make fresh sushi for the guest. Again, I’m not all that big on seafood, but it was a VERY popular food station with the guests. Oh, I almost forgot the sashimi — high-grade tuna sashimi, complete with wasabi and ginger.

• Carved meat station. As I mentioned earlier, roast sucking pig. It was cooked perfectly — most of the skin was hard and crispy, with a thin layer of fat underneath … both crunchy and sublimely greasy. Fuck. And the meat was juicy beyond belief. Next to it was the Beef Wellington. They must have gone through a dozen or more. For those who don’t know what it is — a very tender cut of beef, covered with foie gras, then wrapped in a pastry dough. With a special sauce for it. Damn my mouth is watering.

• Dessert station. Holy shit. Seriously. About 10 kinds of desserts. Cakes. Pies. Custards. Tarts. Other delectables. There was a multi-tiered chocolate fountain — oozing premium European chocolate, with fruit skewers for dipping. Plus the wedding cake — a super-delicious strawberry shortcake kind of deal.

• Booze. Free-flowing wine — a fine red and a light, fruity white. Champagne. Beer. Mixed drinks.

My table was filled with interesting dinner conversation, as you can imagine from the different people I was sitting with. Lots of jokes, some of them dirty (though surprisingly, none from me … really. I saved my jokes for the emcee patter). Good conversation, good food, good wine — that's hard to beat.

After dinner, I resumed emcee duties: bringing the bride and groom up to cut the cake and to do the bouquet toss and garter belt thing — all the while engaging and entertaining the crowd, making small talk based on questionnaires I gathered from family and friends at the rehearsal dinner.

Then it was time for the couple’s first dance, bride’s dance with her father, and a few other dance-with-relative things. After that, it was time to open it up for the money dance.

What is the money dance, you ask? Well, thank you for that pointed question. The money dance is a traditional part of Guam weddings, especially for those of the Catholic faith who also are Chamorro. It’s basically a way to help a newlywed couple at the start of their life together. Men get to dance with the bride for a short time after pinning a bill on her veil, while women get to dance with the groom by pinning money to his tux jacket. The amount you pin on depends. At this reception, one-dollar bills were the exception. Most were tens and twenties. There may have been some fifties as well.

The rest of the night was spent drinking, going back to the stations for some more food, dancing, etc. Well, most people danced. I don’t dance … though I did do the money dance part — it’s a cultural imperative. The rest, not so much.

So there you go. I got a lot of compliments on the emcee job, so at least I wasn’t an utter failure. Hell. I have to admit. I was really good. That’s not bragging; it’s simply the truth. :)

Note: not all of the photos shown here are from the wedding — I didn’t get a chance to take pics of the food stations. But I wanted to give you guys some idea of what it all looked like.

For pics I *did* shoot, scroll on down. There are two posts — one with a few general pics, another with me all gussied up. Enjoy!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• See the money dance part of the post, above. Heh.

just a few wedding pics ...

The setup for the ceremony ... from the back row

TOO cute! There's something about kids in wedding party clothes.

The centerpiece ... just in case you wanted to see

The hotel chef at the Beef Wellington station

DZER all gussied up

Some pics of me, dressed to the nines ... well, at my weight, probably more like the nineteens ... LOL

On my way to the wedding ... I am TOO cool, ain't I?

DZER with the bride

DZER with the groom

DZER Suave ... LOL

One serious DZER

hmm ... Blues Brothers? Or Fat Sinatra? LOL

what I was going to do ... and what I actually did ...

WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO was write a nice, long, involved and detailed blog about the wedding, the reception, my emcee work and all of that. I was going to include a ton of photos, including a bunch of me in my tuxedo, looking Blues Brothers Chic, or perhaps Fat Sinatra-ish.

But then, I said "fuck it" and wrote this little blurb.


1. I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed several hours early for me.

2. It's not like there are many of you blogging and reading blogs on the weekend, so I'll only disappoint (and I highly doubt that too many people care enough to actually even bother being disappointed) a few at the most.

3. I'm not feeling very writer-ish. writer-y. writer-istic. I don't feel like writing all that much.

4. I'm still thinking about that sex dream. It was THAT vivid. I think I will jack off to it before sleeping.

5. I am REALLY fuckin' tired. Fuck.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• C'mon. Didn't you read the excuses up there? Did you really think I'd be able to pull an RGFOTD outta my ass?