Saturday, October 22, 2005

dzer's little doggie update ...

OK, this one is for all of you (the many three or so) who have been asking me what's the deal with the dog? Where's the puppy? Is your apartment clean yet? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking demented bastard?

Sorry, that last one was from a DIFFERENT discussion.

Two things:

1. Just because I bought the stuff doesn't mean I have the dog yet.

2. Yes, I'm aware I'm puppy-tease. But you fucking love it, don't you? ;)

Poker tonight, so if you're feeling dejected or rejected because I'm not commenting on your blog — for the whole five of you who don't totally ignore the blogosphere on the weekends — or because I'm not commenting to the comments you're making regarding my blog ... don't; I'm just off trying to take every dollar I can scratch outta my poker buddies.

Friday, October 21, 2005

362 days without a smoke ...

For the few of you who don't know, I'm closing in on my first full year without cigarettes.

I was a two-pack a day (and often more) smoker for the better part of 20 years. Yep, from age 15 to 35, I was a heavy smoker. But last year, I got tired of running out of breath from walking up the flight and a half of stairs to my apartment. If I had a couple bags of groceries or laundry, it was murder. I couldn't even play a full round of golf, not even using a cart; I would be nearly wiped out after 14 or 15 holes.

So I decided to quit. And I decided to quit very publicly — I announced it in the newspaper in a column written just for my personal project, called "Quest to Quit." I wrote about my plan to quit, about quitting, and issues I had in trying to quit and stay quit.

I was pleasantly stunned that so many people here followed my progress. Total strangers would come up to me to say "good job" or to ask if I was still not smoking, and offer me encouragement.

To make a long story short, on Monday it will be one full year without any kind of smoke — no cigarettes, no cigars. Heck, not even any dip or snuff or chewin' tabacky! So to mark the occasion, I wrote a column about the first year, which publishes tomorrow (Saturday here in Guam). Here is the cake we used as a prop for the photo to accompany the article. You can read the article and see a really cheesy pic of me with the cake at It won't be up until around ... hmm ... 1 p.m. EST, or 10 a.m. on the West Coast.

Random Guam Fact of the Day:
• On a per capita basis, no other place in the U.S. smokes as many cigarettes as does Guam. I think I've used this one before, but I'm too lazy to go digging for another factoid.

More pics of Guam ...

A mini, totally misproportioned replica of the Statue of Liberty.

Tropical breezes waft through the palm fronds of the coconut trees.

Sweeping, crazy clouds over breaking waves and horizon.

The waves roll into the Agana Boat Basin.

revelation ...

a friend of mine recently made a very good point during a painful argument/conversation. she said that maybe I should make another clean break from another of your friends.

and it really got me thinking. anyone who's actually read some of the stuff on here know that I have a LOT of issues. One of those is friends; I simply don't have as many as I used to. and I used to have several very close, very tight friendships. Not so much anymore.

i've written that it was mostly because they have changed and I haven't. but thinking about the point my friend made led me to a mini-revelation, a partial epiphany.

I push away people. Sure, I put on a good fa├žade, but I seem to — intentionally or not, consciously or not — take steps to distance myself from people once I get close to them.

And I think I figured out why.

My dad died nine years ago.

I'd had other people in my life die before — grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but I was never really all that close to those people. I was sad when they died. I missed them. I even cried a bit for some of them.

but that was nothing like losing my dad. I don't think it helped that I was the one who found him. he'd been dead for a little while. i knew that, but I still rolled him over and tried to give him cpr, mouth-to-mouth. even though I knew it wouldn't do any good. My mom was there too. I had to yell at her that pop was dead. I had to tell my youngest brother and watch as the new broke him.

his death shattered me. it broke me into disassociative pieces. I'm still not at piece with it. I still miss him like crazy. I'm crying like a child trying to write this. this happens almost whenever I think of him. i never thought I could miss a person this much.

he was such a good man. such a great father. I didn't come close to appreciating that while he was alive. it kills me that i could never tell him how much I loved him face to face. I could never come close to showing any kind of real familial affection or love. I could have and should have done more. I just didn't.

he was only 55 years old. he should have had decades more of life and family. he took such good care of his sons, daughters, wife, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. he was the rock of this family, both immediate and extended.

i don't want to ever have to go through anything like that again; i don't want to lose someone that means so much to me. i don't want to feel those emotions and feelings; it's selfish and childish, i know, but I can't help it.

So i push people away. I keep them at arm's length, if not further. I don't want them to be too close, when it comes down to it.

If you're one of these people, I'm sorry. you deserve a better friend, a stronger friend, a more emotionally stable and less selfish friend.

haiku ... gesundheit!

It's time for a haiku chain! Mad poetry Fridays ... hey! it's friday here!!

realize this, please:
unspoken words hurt more than
what is said out loud

Thursday, October 20, 2005

hot, hot, hot

A brand-new older story now up at:

Image hosted by

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The new daily record LOW temperature for Oct. 12 on Guam was set this year. It's now 73 degrees Fahrenheit, shattering the old record of ... 74 degrees, set in 1990.


crush and cripple
break against me
i want the fury
and the violence
again and again
over and over
grind me down
pulverize and punish
relentless raw power
against resistant soul
smash me bash me
shatter and batter me
until i'm nothing

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Once again, it's HNT on Guam ...

Didn't you know I was the man from the future? It's officially past midnight on Thursday here on the lovely tropical island of Guam... which means I get to post the first legitimate HNT pic of HNT, darlings and dudes.

I'm running outta tattoos to feature here ... which means its time to get new ones!

and btw ... I have a NEW erotica piece up at Everything Nice's blog. Thanks for hosting me, darlin'! I feel privileged and special. ;)

What happens when we die?

I was talking to someone in ICQ ... OK, it was one of my many blog stalkers who never post in here — yes, you grainne! (first blog mention! woo-hoo for yoo-hoo!). Anyway, we were discussing the zombie movies and religion (both raised Catholic), which naturally turned into a discussion about the afterlife.

What happens to us when we die? Is there a heaven? A hell? Reincarnation? Nothing?

Now Catholics are raised that there is a heaven, which is both easy and hard to get into, depending. The evil go to hell. Those not-quite-ready-for-heaven-primetime players go to purgatory, which can eventually — depending on how long you need to rectify things with God — lead you to heaven. There are bazillions of angels, including cherubim and seraphim, and saints galore.

Or is heaven the whole floating on clouds thing? Wings and harps? Do all dogs go to heaven, or is it just for people?

Do you get to live another life? Come back as a dung beetle if you were a fuckhead? Or a chicken headed for a KFC restaurant if you were a zealous PETA protester? Perhaps you come back as a tampon if you always treated women poorly. OK, not a tampon, but a cotton plant that gets turned into a tampon? Or whatever the hell they are made out of.

Or is this all we have? You live, you die, that's it. Conciousness and then no consciousness?

Or do you think we have choices? Linger around as a ghost or phantom? Choose to be reborn or go onto a higher plane of existence, or even heaven?

I really like the movie "Defending Your Life," starring Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep — two people die and have to go in front of a panel of judges to go over their life decisions and, basically, defend their lives. Restaurants are all you can eat — "You want pie? I'mma bring you pie!" and no weight gain. What the movie presents would be a good afterlife scenario.

What about you? What's gonna happen to you after you die? You know, besides the worms and bugs eating the flesh from your body?

Oh, by the way ... TWO new erotica stories (well, new for you, old for me and a few others) are up at:

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam has a high rate of diabetes. It was the seventh leading cause of death in 2000, and was one of the Top 10 killers from 1985-2000.

When in doubt, do the Q-and-A thing ...

OK, I got this one from berly's blog.

Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Where was your first kiss?
On the lips.

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Does painting a giant “Soul Train” with the words DMC87 over the top of it on an interior wall of a government building count?

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
I almost answered "yes" ... I thought the word was BIT. But I did hit girls when I was growing up if they hit me first.

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
I’m a karaoke fiend! I’ve sung in front of small numbers of people, large numbers, no numbers … just pass me the mic!

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
It depends on what they’re wearing … usually their tits.

What is your biggest mistake?
Falling in love.

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
I’m a guy and I’ve imbibed alcohol … short answer: yes.

Say something totally random about yourself.
I’ve got extremely large feet.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Does Buddha count as a celebrity?

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
As often as I can!

Did you have braces?
Not on my teeth. I had to wear a back brace for more than a year after spinal surgery when I was a kid.

Are you comfortable with your height?
Very much so; I just wish I was even taller!

What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Sent me flowers at work. Either that or sucked my dick in the V.I.P. room of a strip club. One of those two.

When do you know it's love?
When they don’t dump me and tear my heart out … then there’s a shot.

Do you speak any other languages?
I’m fluent in Texan, American, Canadian and I speak some Australian. I also know curse words in several different languages.

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

What magazines do you read?
Time, Quill, Editor & Publisher … among others.

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes. Several times.

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes; my dad. It’s been 9 years and I still miss him.

Do you watch MTV?
Not since they stopped playing videos.

What's something that really annoys you?
Bad drivers.

What's something you really like?
Cold pork chops served with steamed rice.

Can you dance?
I can get by on the dance floor, though I haven’t danced in a long time.

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
In college there were a few times where I was up for a couple of days or so.

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No; but I have been rushed to the emergency room on a couple of occasions.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I got nothing ...

Seriously. I got nothing at all.

Except the evil chewing away at my soul.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• What are ya, blind? I said I got nothing!

where is everyone?

I hate it when I come home for lunch and no one's around. I mean shit ... I should have just gone out to eat!

And you know what? I am!

Thai food!

Screw you guys!

Snail mail, anyone?

As some of you may already have noticed (special Guam prize to murphy for being the first to spread the word, albeit under dubious circumstances), my snail mail address is now featured on my blog. Over there. No, to the right side. See it?

Why is it there? Couple of reasons.

1. I want to get back to writing letters and notes. Real letters and notes. Not e-mail. Not IMs. Cards, notes and personal, hand-written letters. In order to do that, I need people to write to. So I'm offering my address first so you won't have to feel shy about giving out your address. It is convenient that my maling address is a P.O. Box, but that's been my family's mailing address for decades. Guam is just NOW getting home mail delivery to some places; others won't get it for a while, so many people here have had and will continue to have P.O. boxes.

2. Christmas is coming up. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards. If you're so inclined, send one. I guarantee you'll get one in return. With an actual Guam postmark. From freakin' Jingle George! C'mon ... how can you beat that offer??

3. This could be a new blog feature. I've send flip-flop earrings to Canada. They went out today. Soon a Guam refrigerator magnet will be on the way to California. If you want to send me some trivial trinket, you have my address. As long as it's not too freaky (yes, naughty one, I'm thinking of you), If and when I get something, I will take a pic and post it on my blog. Maybe it's one of those truck-stop spoons, or a shot glass, or a fridge magnet of your state/nearby national park/monument/oddity, whatever. Hell, maybe it's your panties from Vegas (again, naughty one, of course it's you ... it's always been you ;) ...). Feel free; it's your postage, after all.

So that's why it's there. Use it if you want. :)


OK; I've been tagged by Chrissie, so here goes:

23rd post, 5th sentence:

"Bad guys are more exciting."

In a post about why so many women don't go for nice guys but for assholes.

Damn I have a lot of posts! Had to dig to find that one! LOL

OK ... the tagees are: my current favorite (not favourite) canadian, Sass, my current favorite tease, everything nice, my current favorite porn reader gigi, and my current favorite guammie girl, jax.

Monday, October 17, 2005

if I were nondescript ...

I'm a very noticeable, recognizable person. This isn’t me bragging. I’m very tall (about 6’5”), very big, very heavy (screw you if you think I’m telling you how heavy), with a shaved head, tattoos and visible scars. Suffice it to say that if I were at a given place, people there would be able to describe me very accurately. I’m extremely memorable and rememberable.

Which is highly unfortunate. You see, I would be a very good criminal. I’m a genius, which easily could translate into criminal genius. I know I could get away with all kinds of crimes and dastardly deeds ... if only I were nondescript.

You see, if I were hard to remember, I would be able to get away with all kinds of stuff. I could orchestrate heists, plan brilliant thefts, boost cars and get away, literally, with murder. But I’m too recognizable

If I robbed a jewelry store, I’d be very easy to pick out of a lineup. You can’t steal cars if everyone remembers you. Hard to skulk around and be sneaky and criminal when you’re a giant, white, shaven-skulled, massive man. Hell, little children could I.D. me.

Oh well; the world lost out on a superior criminal. *sigh*

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• At one point, the United States gave serious thought to making Guam a part of Hawaii's statehood movement. Guam would have become a county of Hawaii ... located a good 3,800 miles away. Needless to say, the idea didn't go very far.

A little bit of contentment on a Sunday evening …

It was a pretty lazy Sunday for me. I slept in until around 10 a.m. (after going to sleep around 3:30 a.m.). I got up, checked out my blog and a few other blogs, then figured there was no reason for me to be awake, so I went back to my cozy bed. Yes, I am a lazy fucker. So what? It’s Sunday!

So I finally rolled outta bed for good around 1 p.m. Had a big bowl of Grape Nuts cereal that had been soaking in milk for like 20 minutes. Did a little bit of blog reading and commenting, as well as a few little household chores. Then decided to go to the movies — “Waiting” because I didn’t want a deep, thinking movie; just wanted a few laughs. And yes, as juvenile and immature as the jokes were, it was just what I needed.

I came home, but my ISP was down — they had problems all afternoon, so I went into work. Yes, it’s Sunday. But I wanted a bit of Internet, and I also figured I’d knock out some advance work so my Monday would be one of those ideal come-to-work-at-10-a.m.-have-a-two-hour-lunch-and-still-be-outta-the-office-before-5-p.m. days. Only spent about an hour and a half there, but got a lot done.

By then it was closing in on 9 p.m., so I decided to get some food. I drove down to Tumon, which is the primary tourist area of Guam, because I didn’t feel like eating at any of my usual haunts around where I live. Somehow, I ended up at Crazy Horse, which is not a restaurant — it’s a strip club.

And you know what? I met a great girl there! (Cue the gasps of surprise) Her name’s Yvette, she’s about 5’8” or so, dark skin, a beautiful and angular face with large eyes, a pointy nose and very soft lips. She has long hair in these thin, tight braids. She’s thin, small breasted but with a nice, round, firm ass.

I was sitting in a booth for about a minute when she came running up, slid around the booth from the other side and snuggled up against me. “It’s cold! I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” I replied. We chatted a bit as I watched the dancer on stage. And yes, as an experienced and knowledgeable strip-club patron, I bought her a drink. We chatted some more and then it was her turn on stage, so I moved there.

Over the course of three songs and about $5 in ones, I got her tits in my face twice (small tits but amazing stiff nipples!!), my hands up and down her legs, sides and ass (hence the knowing it was firm; I wish she would have shaven her legs all the way down to the ankles — my only complaint). I got to kiss the space between her tits, along down her taut tummy, and even a smidge lower. I got kissed several times — on the cheeks, the forehead, the tip of my nose (several times; very cute), my neck and ears. I also got a little hot breath and tongue on both ears, as well as a few wet nibbles and bites. I got her body rubbed up against mine, had my nipples teased and groped a bit through my shirt. Oh, and her nails across my back several times … rawr!!

I can still smell her light, floral scent on me. *happy sighs*

After her set, she came out and sat with me for two more dancers — and yes, one more drink — and we had a great chat. The girl on stage was dancing to some Tupac, so we started talking about the VH-1 Hiphop Honors and old-school rap and she was amazed at my Run-DMC knowledge. They were my favorite group in high school, when all I listened to was rap, R&B and dance club music. We even traded lyrics and talked about other old-school rap groups.

I left a little before 10 p.m., rewarded with several kisses on my cheek, and several of my kisses on her cheek, and I told her I’d be back to visit her soon.

It was pretty much just what I needed.

Then I went to one of my fave restaurants, Shirley’s in Tamuning, and had one of my favorite comfort foods — deep-fried pork chops and steamed white sticky rice.

So, basically, a night that left me very contented and happy.

I know it was pretty much just a purchased contented-ness, but who the fuck cares? I know the stripper isn’t really all that in to me, that she wouldn’t date me in real life, and that Yvette is only her stage name. But that doesn’t diminish the good time I had.

I was feeling a little lonely and wanted some female contact and I got it — legally, to boot. Sometimes it’s nice just to have a good-smelling, soft woman snuggled up against you, leaning into you, talking to you close and quiet. It’s nice to get a little physical affection and attention. Her wrapping her arm around mine while we sat, then intertwining fingers with my when my other hand went on top of hers … that was just nice. It felt good. I’m not deluding myself and neither is she. Yes, it’s a business transaction, but it’s a friendly, pleasant and pleasurable business transaction.

What do you single ladies do when you just want a little no-string attention, contact or affection? I know you don’t go to male strippers, because I’ve seen that scene and it’s totally not about affection and cuddling and shit! LOL … But seriously, what do you do? Call up an ex? Visit with a friend, or a friend with benefits? A gay guy pal? If you just want to have someone (of the opposite sex anyway, or else you could just hit the strip clubs too!) talk to you, treat you with affection, be focused on you and what you’re saying, what options are open to you? I can’t think of anything — you’re pretty much shit out of luck, aren’t you? Unless there is something out there we guys aren’t told about?

Guys are lucky. Strip clubs, and strippers, provide those services. And it’s really not all that more expensive than a date, when it comes down to it, plus you don’t have all the date issues to worry about — sexual expectations, nervousness about whether they like you, wondering how they’re perceiving you, etc. Yes, only a real date will lead to a more serious relationship, but what if you only want a little bit, a taste, of affection and closeness, for just a short amount of time? If you’re a guy, you can go to a good strip club — at least you can here — and get that. Plus, you get to see beautiful naked women too … and you get to touch them!!

Here’s the breakdown for me tonight, in terms of money:

• Two beers for myself: MGD on special, $3 each. Total $6.
• Two drink orders for Yvette: she had a shot of vodka with a side of Red Bull (no sugar) both times, $20 each. Total: $40.
• Tips for waitress: $6.
• Tips for Yvette: $5.
• Tips for two other strippers: $4.
• Grand total: $61.

Feeling of contentedness and happiness: Well, not priceless, but definitely worth the $61. Hell, MORE than worth it.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Ancient Chamorro men were reknowned for their height and fitness. Spanish explorers frequently were in awe of their displays of strength. Poor, weak Europeans. Too bad they had swords, guns and disease on their side.