Saturday, January 21, 2006

The "infamous" Proust Questionnaire ...

Well, I know how much that most bloggers enjoy questionnaires, whether they’re reading those done by others or if it’s posting one themselves. I know I do, and have, and will. LOL

So, I present to everyone the “infamous” Proust Questionnaire, from the back of Vanity Fair, which is based on questions asked of Marcel Proust, first at age 13, then 20. This is the full-on extended version — the one that goes in the magazine — which poses the questions to celebrities, not ordinary bloggers LOL — is usually just a portion of the following.

Now, I’m not going to make this into a TAG kind of thing. But I will encourage everyone that comes here regularly (all 12 of ya LOL) and has his or her own blog, to set aside a post for this sometime in the future.

Also, I ask you to try to answer these in one sitting, and to try to answer them as if someone were asking you these questions. That means don’t take hours to think about the questions, to ponder and then phrase and rephrase your answers. I personally think that your initial, off-the-cuff, from-the-gut responses will be more true than ones you plot and plan out. But that’s just me. Hell, if you want to take your sweet ass time on each and every question, it’s not like I can do anything to prevent you from doing so. LOL

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A day of golf, good food, poker and time with an enjoyable woman …

What is your current state of mind?
Forlorn and bereft …

What is your greatest fear?
Never being loved …

What is your favorite way of spending time?
Playing poker … unless I could be kissing a woman …

Which living person do you most admire?
Anyone who makes a positive difference in the lives of others …

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Bronko Nagurski

Who are your favorite fictional heroes?
Gandalf, Elminster, Druss the Legend

Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents.

Who are your favorite writers?
J.R.R. Tolkien, David Gemmel, Mercedes Lacky, Raymond Feist, David Eddings, L.E. Modesitt Jr., J.D. Robb

Who are your favorite musicians?
Led Zeppelin, The Eagles, Roy Orbison

Who are your favorite filmmakers?
Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorcese, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Mel Brooks

Who are your favorite actors?
Robert DeNiro, Humphrey Bogart, John Cusack, Clint Eastwood, Vincent D’Onofrio, the Three Stooges, Gene Wilder

Who are your favorite actresses?
Lauren Bacall, Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan, Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Uma Thurman

What was the last book you read?
“America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction” by Jon Stewart … a re-read.

What book are you reading now?
“H Is for Homicide” … sad but true.

What is your most treasured possession?
My sanity ... what little remains ...

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
The woman who could never love me in the way that matters most …

What are your most marked characteristics?
Intellect, sense of humor, fatness …

What are the traits you most deplore in yourself?
Intellectual condescension, emotional remoteness …

What are the traits you most dislike in others?
Hypocrisy, selfishness

When and where were you happiest?
When I thought there was a chance she could …

What are your drugs of choice?
Only caffeine now … but fuck I miss nicotine …

What is your favorite journey?
The short one to bed before sleep …

What are your greatest extravagances?
Paying to get my head and face shaved weekly, sleeping in …

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
How large it is …

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity …

On what occasion do you lie?
When people ask me how I’m doing …

What is your greatest regret?
The times I fell in love …

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck, LOL, ah … OK

What is your favorite swear word?
Fuck …

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Where I live …

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
The distance they are from me …

What do you consider your greatest achievement so far?
Being alive at 37 …

What would you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
Being alone …

Where would you like to live?
Northern California …

What are the qualities you most admire in a man?
Camaraderie, loyalty, humor …

What are the qualities you most admire in a woman?
Intelligence, humor, straightforwardness … and the ability to find me attractive

What is it you most dislike?
People …

What living person do you most despise?
There are too many to single out just one …

What is your biggest everyday pet peeve?
Bad drivers …

What do you value most in your friends?
Their good taste in friends …

How would you like to die?
Happy and loved …

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A billionaire …

Who have been the greatest influences on you?
My parents … and two or three very good teachers …

What is your motto?
Shit happens …

What talent would you most like to have?
Musical ability … to play and sing at a professional level … or the physical ability to be a professional wrassler ...

• New photos up at DZER's Guam Pics.

Check out surprise: more flowers and more of the usual ...

• Way down on the sidebar, I've added some quotes from MLK Jr., the man with whom I share a birthday ...

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Chamorro slang likes to insert extra syllables into words and reverse word order. Example: "Jam-packed" becomes "pinack-jam" ... "sexy" is "sinexy" ...

the hnt hat update ...

OK, many of you know that I have offered the hat shown below (late bonus HNT pic, you lucky dogs!) as a prize in my own personal little contest.

Here's the update: This hat is SO desired, SO wanted, SO yearned for, SO lusted after, SOOOOOOO much in demand that ...

... there has been exactly ONE (1) offer for it. *sigh*

True, there still are 4-1/2 days left in the contest. I'm sure many of you are putting together carefully considered bids. Heh.

What other explanation could there be? I mean, it is a GENUINE green ballcap with the OFFICIAL seal of the great territory of Guam, U.S.A., embroidered directly onto the front of the hat. It's a near priceless item. On eBAy, I'm sure I could get $1.50 for it, not including shipping and handling! LOL

So here you go: Another look at the hat. And the contest rules, repeated.

Contest Rules
1. Eligibility: Anyone with a mailing address who enters the contest. Must be at least 18 years of age.

2. Tell me, in an e-mail sent to, what you are willing to give in exchange for the hat. Items must be able to be sent by U.S. mail or other delivery service.

3. I, and I alone, will choose the winning entry, based solely on what I think is the coolest offer.

4. By sending said e-mail, you consent to me publishing your name, or your nom de blog (your choice), and your offer — even if you don't win! Heh. The winner will, of course, be identified, as will his or her winning bid. So be very careful about how feckless and risque your offer is ... LOL

5. The hat will only be sent out once the winning bid is received.

6. Should the winner so choose, he or she can post an HNT featuring him or her in the hat, once it is in his or her possession. This isn't mandatory, but it sure would be pretty cool.

7. Everyone has one week in which to submit their bids. The winner will be announced with my next early HNT.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The shape of the Guam seal is meant to reflect that of slingstone, an ancient weapon (well, ancient ammunition for an ancient weapon) of the Chamorro people.

Friday, January 20, 2006

have you seen these signs ...

This is a "cheap" and easy post. Passing on funny signs from e-mail.

Give it up for Canada!

But if you really need to dance ...

Be humane, humans!

Amen, brother!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

not so toe-riffic ...

WARNING: The following post is of a frank and graphic nature. Mature audiences only. Only those with very strong stomachs should continue beyond this point.

The previous message was brought to you by Vomit-Bucket™. With Vomit-Bucket™, the portable wearable receptacle for violently expelled puke, not even the most hellacious hurls will catch you off guard. Vomit-Bucket™ is available at Walgreen's, Woolworth's, and other quality retail establishments. When you think tossing your cookies, think Vomit-Bucket™!

OK ... if you don't get it by now, this will not be a pretty post. Sheesh! Sometimes you just have to pound it in! LOL

This is my right big toe.

It is angry and red. It is inflamed. It is infected. It is yucky. It is nasty.

It has an ingrown nail. Part of which must be ripped out of my toe ... once the infection is gone. You see, the infection, according to the foot doc, would neutralize the topical painkiller — lydicaine. Yep, even if he shot me up with the painkiller, it would still hurt like hell.

So now I have oral surgery to remove two teeth with extremely long roots, including one falling-apart wisdom tooth, on Monday. On Feb. 1, I get a part of a toenail yanked out of me.

I think Jenn is right: 37 is NOT being nice to me. Bleah.

Well, let's accentuate the positives.

• As grainne noted to me, it will mean I can wear flip-flops or sandals into the office. I really don't like wearing shoes, especially for any length of time. I prefer to wear flip-flops (yore' — pronounced dzo-ree in Chamorro) or go barefoot. Socks and shoes are just so ... enclosing. I like the feel of the air on my feet. LOL

There was a point in college when I only wore shoes on specific occasions — fancy nights out and when playing basketball. I wore yore' everywhere else, including church. Hey ... give me some credit ... I wore the GOOD yore' to Mass — The Scott's! LOL ... hmm ... I know my online malle' will get that one if no one else does!

In fact, for a good part of the time, I went completely barefoot, even in winter in Nebraska if it wasn't TOO cold. I could walk over gravel with no problem, the bottom of my feet were so callused. LOL

I used to wear yore' — and good yore' — into the office ... but once I took on my new job, a higher level of dress code was required. *sigh* ... I really don't like wearing shoes for long stretches of time.

• Things have got to improve ... right? I mean, come on!

If the year continues like this, you will have one very depressed DZER on your hands! Seriously! I really need this year to break out of the Spiral of Seriously Shitty Suckitude.

• Things could always be worse, right? I mean it's some teeth and a toenail. It's not like I have internal organ issues, serious ailments or diseases. But I wouldn't be me if I wasn't complaining a bit. Heh.

• Although my new cell phone — and I got a little bit of an upgrade (somewhat) — still doesn't work at home, I've been assured that there are cell boosters in place and that they will be activated within the next month or so, which should give me reliable service here on the homefront. It does look a little more snazzy that the other one, don'tcha think?

And, once I figure out all of the features that I DO have on the phone, and learn how to use them, well, I will have one really cool phone to use and with full service ... in a month or so. LOL

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• I'll use oh so wonderful's suggestion — there are two kinds of food "hot" in Chamorro culture. "Pika" means hot in terms of spiciness, such has chile peppers. "Maipe" means hot as in Papa Bear's porridge was too hot. Hmm ... was it Papa Bear's that was too hot? Or was it Mama Bear's? LOL

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

the early HNT from Guam ... and a contest

As per usual, I present my Half-Nekkid Thursday just before MY Thursday, which is Wednesday for most of ya'll. It's a bit scruffy, but what the hell.

But this time, there is a little twist.

I am offering up the hat I'm wearing in the photo above — worn only once, for this photo — in a little bit of contest for anyone out there who reads DZER's Diatribe. Yes, all 13 of you qualify!

Contest Rules
1. Eligibility: Anyone with a mailing address who enters the contest. Must be at least 18 years of age.

2. Tell me, in an e-mail sent to, what you are willing to give in exchange for the hat. Items must be able to be sent by U.S. mail or other delivery service.

3. I, and I alone, will choose the winning entry, based solely on what I think is the coolest offer.

4. By sending said e-mail, you consent to me publishing your name, or your nom de blog (your choice), and your offer — even if you don't win! Heh. The winner will, of course, be identified, as will his or her winning bid. So be very careful about how feckless and risque your offer is ... LOL

5. The hat will only be sent out once the winning bid is received.

6. Should the winner so choose, he or she can post an HNT featuring him or her in the hat, once it is in his or her possession. This isn't mandatory, but it sure would be pretty cool.

7. Everyone has one week in which to submit their bids. The winner will be announced with my next early HNT.

And now for something completely different
This is definitely not my best week ever. Why not, you ask?

• I waited to long to renew my driver's license. Now I have to retake the written test on Friday, along with a bunch of punk kids.

• I have oral surgery scheduled for Monday. 'Nuff said there.

• I've had to wake up early (for me) twice this week. Bleah.

• The power went out in my part of the village last night for several hours, so I left the house and stumbled upon a poker game, at which I lost $60. If the power hadn't gone out, I'd have $60 more than I do now! Crikey!

• My right big toe is infected after I ripped out part of an ingrown toenail. It hurts, it's flaming red and all the soaking and antibiotic creams haven't helped a bit. I have a appointment with a podiatrist in the morning. Gross, I know, but true.

• My VCR was killed by the power outage yesterday, which meant I had to go get a new one today. Worse, my favorite porno compilation tape was stuck inside, which meant I had to rip apart the old one. Hmmm ... OK, so that was actually a bit fun and involved tools. LOL

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Random Guam Fact Of The Day is on vacation. We instead present you with a Random Fact About Randomness For The Day: "offers true random numbers to anyone on the Internet." Check it out!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I'm so tired of hearing about ...

I don't know about you people (yes you, there in the back row! you too!), but there are certain food phrases and ingredients with which I'm totally fed up! (Pun intended ... heh).

First of all: ciabatta bread. There isn't a bread that's more "now," more "it," more "hot" than ciabatta. Why? What does ciabatta bread have that's missing from a French baguette, a hoagie roll, a kaiser roll, sourdough, rye or even multi-grain bread? Oh, of course. It's Italian! And it's spelled different than it looks — looks like "see-uh-bat-tuh," pronounced "chuh-bah-tuh." Fancy! Must be good! I don't know about you, but this bread really just goes against my grain. (Heh. There it is yet again!)

And then there's ranch. Now, don't get me wrong — I LOVE ranch. It's one of my very favorite salad dressings of all time. Of the garden-variety (punnery once more! heh!) salad dressings that all restaurants usually have — vinaigrette, bleu cheese, French, Italian, Japanese (a regularity here, in not where you are) — I would usually choose ranch. I like that it's creamy and ... well, ranchy. But fuck. There are bacon-ranch burgers, ranch chicken sandwiches, ranch bread ... bread! It's overexposed and half baked! (Zing! Does he ever stop?) Time to pull back on the use of ranch.

The same goes for mushroom-Swiss anything. All the major fast-food restaurants seem to have a mushroom-Swiss sandwich of one kind or another — and often it also includes ranch! Ranch-mushroom-Swiss burger! Arg! Swiss used to be exotic for the American palate. We used to only know American, cheddar (mild, medium and sharp). Swiss was "fancy" cheese, for that deli sandwich you ordered. No one really had it in their homes. And you can't seemingly have mushrooms unless it comes with Swiss. But why not mushrooms and goat cheese? Or Muenster? Frankly, my dear, I don't give Edam! (Heh! Ze punster strikes again!)

And, finally, the ingredient that I despise the most for overuse and overexposure and over-everyting.

Chipotle. I curse thee, chipotle, with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul. Foul pepper, thine name be "chipotle!"

And I blame Bobby fucking Flay for the rise of the chipotle. No one outside of the Southwest or Mexico knew what a chipotle was five years ago. They just knew "hot peppers." The more knowledgeable know they were called chiles, and that there were many varieties, though most only knew of jalepeƱos. So why is chipotle so hot? (Punditry at its finest, ladies and germs!)

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• One of the Chamorro words for "food" is "inakpa'an."

Monday, January 16, 2006

cell phones and jury duty ...

I was all excited today. A cell phone company representative came into the office to sign up and upgrade customers for a new GSM service (new for Guam, anyway). I signed up, adding on to my package bundle I already have with the company — residential phone, DSL, long-distance. It was a GREAT deal.

Even better was that the sales rep was/is willing to come to us and work with us in the office, instead of us having to go to their main office or even the new satellite office.

This is the phone that came as part of my package. It's a Motorola V220. Camera with 4X zoom. Customized ring tones. External caller ID. Games. Plan included 3,000 local minutes, 10 cents a minute for long-distance phone calls. Voicemail, conference calling, call forwarding, caller ID, call waiting.

Only problem: I have zero signal in my apartment. I'd signed up for service with the company before, on their TDMA cell phone deal, but got no signal at home. That was all supposed to change with the GSM system. It hasn't.

So tomorrow I have to return the cool and neat and pretty phone, unless they can guarantee me the problem will be fixed within the next month. I have to stick with my old company and the old service. Bleah.

Jury duty
So I went to the orientation for jury duty. There's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Oh well ... there is a slight chance they might actually excuse me from duty because of the job — when you work for a newspaper, you can't NOT read the newspaper. It's a part of my job — in fact I look at, read and edit the news and opinion commentary and letters the day before it comes out. For most criminal trials, we usually cover and report on it. That definitely makes it hard to be a juror. I've done the duty before and never had a lawyer from either side willing to put enpanel me as a juror.

I gotta drop off a letter explaining the whole thing tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• It's been raining way too much on Guam lately. We need a few days of clear weather and sunshine.

How DZER spent his birthday day ...

• Slept in. This is one of my FAVORITE things in the world to do. Fell asleep around ... hmm ... 1 a.m. ... didn't get out of bed till after 11 a.m. ... niiiiiice.

• Watched some football. Also one of the DZER's favorite things to do (heh; there I go with the third-person thing again). During halftime, I drove out to get a Triple Whopper with cheese ... one of my favorite artery-clogging indulgences. Heh. Ooh ... and onion rings too!

• Came home, watched more football. Blogged a bit. Played some Diablo II, looking for keys and doing some magic finding. If you didn't understand any of that last bit, don't worry about it. LOL

• Chatted for a tad in an IM program. Not too many folks around on the weekend though.

• Went into the office for about an hour. It's work I should have done Friday, but I didn't feel like sitting around the office for too long Friday evening. It was easy, quick work, so no biggie.

• Picked up a couple of things at the grocery store.

• Went over to the house of my malle' and pare' so my godsons could help me blow out the candles on my birthday cake — a quaint little tradition that we've been doing for years. I love those boys so much and love any time I can spend with them. "A" even helped put the candles — black (grrr! LOL) — on the cake — three on the left side, seven on the right ... LOL ... they really like to sing "Happy Birthday" ... and, of course, it's more cake, just 8 days after THEIR birthday cakes! LOL

I got to eat homemade chicken kaddo too — haven't had that in FOREVER so I was mucho happy! This is the Chamorro version of homemade chicken soup ... but it's so much better than your version of the soup. No, really, it is! LOL ... just ask oh so wonderful ... LOL

The cake was a nice chocolate cake with light chocolate cream between layers and a heavy, dark chocolate frosting on top. It was a really good cake — not too heavy, not too dry or moist. Accompanied by a nice cup of coffee, it was a true pleasure.

• Watched "The Cave" with my pare' and godsons (though the boys were more in and out and not really watching it LOL), laying around on the couch. I need to get a couch here. There's just something about lazing on a couch that is sometimes better than a bed ... oh, the fine art of laziness ... LOL

• Went to the theaters to see "Last Holiday" starring Queen Latifah. Not a great movie, but a good, sweet, fun movie — which is just what I was hoping it would be. Some really funny parts ... overall, a nice little flick.

And, finally, the photo so many of you have been waiting for ... heh ...

Almost didn't post this pic ... mainly because it's a REALLY bad angle and far too much of my second chin just sits there .... bleah.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Chamorro word for "dog" is "ga'lagu."

Sunday, January 15, 2006

the ABCs of the DZER

Once again, a chance to learn a little more about the DZER.

And, once again, I steal from tequila girl ... LOL

~A is for age~
37 — *sigh*

~B is for booze of choice~
Vodka … though it’s rare for me to drink.

~C is for career~
I have been, am, and likely always will be
a journalist/writer.

~D is for your dog's name~
Fuck, why did this question have to come up?
I still don’t have a dog or puppy,
and don’t have a name picked out
for when I finally DO get one ... LOL

~E is for essential items you use everyday~
My Mac, truck and air-conditioning unit.
It’s hot here on Guam … LOL

~F is for favorite song at the moment~
Hmm ... no favorite song at the moment.
I'm sooooo outta touch LOL

~G is for favorite games~
Poker and golf.

~H is for hometown~
Well, I was born in Rome, N.Y. I was in a military family,
so don't really have a "hometown," per se ....
but I consider Mongmong, Guam, to be my “home village.”

~I is for instruments you play~
Define “instrument” … heh.

~J is for jam or jelly you like~
Actually … I prefer preserves.

~K is for kids~
None … that I know of. Wow! That’s STILL funny! LOL

~L is for last kiss~
The other night at the strip club … tongue and all. Heh.

~M is for most admired trait~
What I admire most in others? Or myself? LOL
in either case, intelligence/humor … can’t choose.

~N is for name of your crush~
Orange … though Grape Crush is good too.
Don’t like Pineapple all that much.

~O is for overnight hospital stays~
The ones related to my spinal tumor
when I was a kid. Since then; none.

~P is for phobias~
There are things and situations that are a bit scary to me …
but nothing that would qualify as a phobia.

~Q is for quotes you like~
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
— Mark Twain

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
— First Amendment

“All fled—all done, so lift me on the pyre—
The Feast is over, and the lamps expire.”
— "The House Of Caesar" by Viola Garvin,
the last words written by Robert E. Howard.

~R is for biggest regret~
Not doing more to have … no … nevermind.

~S is for sweets of your choice~
Red licorice, chewy peanut butter cookies,
fudge, divinity

~T is for time you wake up~
Usually not till after 9 a.m. LOL

~U is for underwear~
The password is: commando. LOL

~V is for vegetable you love~
Potatoes. I know some people consider them
to be a starch and not a vegetable,
but those people are wrong.
Mashed, fried, baked, scalloped … I love taters!!

~W is for worst habit~
the ones the nuns wear ... hate those!

~X is for x-rays you've had~
I’ve had a LOT of X-rays over my life,
too many to document here.

~Y is for yummy food you make~
An amazing steak spaghetti.

~Z is for zodiac sign~
Capricorn — maybe that’s why I’m always
as horny as a goat? LOL

a few more bday pics ...

as promised, a few more photos from my pre-birthday birthday dinner. :)

Here are a few of the Roy's Restaurant wait staff who came over to sing a happy birthday song to me. Overall, there more like 12 to 15 people; they put on quite a production.

Anyone who know me knows of my self-proclaimed genius. My friend "L" certainly knows of it, which is why she got me this book — too see if I could live up to my professions of genius! LOL

Inside the envelope is a near-perfect present for me — a gift certificate to my favorite clothing store (it's my favorite because it actually carries a large number of clothes that actually fit my huge body LOL).

Add to that tally two birthday cards I got this week in the mail — one from my good friend B, who lives just outside Washington, D.C. ... the other from my dentist's office ... LOL ... I know — sad, huh? I think I need to work on building new and strengthening old friendships this year ... LOL.

Oh ... and I must not forget the personalized and very sexy birthday card I got from Alex & Suze. Thanks, guys! *mwah*

Well, I plan to check my mailbox later today ... maybe there will be a few more cards in there. Cross your fingers for me! ;)