Saturday, February 18, 2006

DZER's posse ...

OK, I saw this on the blogs of Madame X and Murphy and thought I'd do my take on it, especially since I was kind of surprised that there seemed to be little to no representation from the old school.

The object here is to assemble a posse of 13 movie characters to help you take care of business, get bad stuff done, take revenge on a drug lord, take over a small nation, etc. So, without further ado, here is my assemblage of characters:

• The tough guy with brains: Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) of "Casablanca" would definitely be on my list. He's run guns, helped smuggle people out of German-held lands and fought the Nazis. Plus he looks awesome in a white tuxedo, has got some of the best dialogue and delivery in the business. He can contribute to the planning and also punch out a bad guy if needed.

• Shooter with skills with dynamite: "The Man with No Name" (Clint Eastwood) from "A Fistful of Dollars," "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" and "For a Few Dollars More." While he technically had names in each of these classic Spaghetti Westerns, he essentially plays the same character — cigar smoking, squinting, tough-as-nails cowboy skilled with a six-shooter, a rifle or a stick of dynamite. Hard to find a tougher cowboy that Clint.

• The natural leader who's good with a gun: Chris Adams (Yul Brynner) from "The Magnificent Seven." This guy is all about doing what's right, no matter the odds, no matter the situation. If it means escorting the body of Mexican to boot hill for burial despite the guns and bravado of the prejudiced townfolk, then so be it. If it's ridding a village of the preying depravations of Eli Wallach's bad boys, he's in it to the finish — and inspiring others to fight alongside him.

• The gruff, charismatic, no-nonsense leader: Col. Mike Kirby (John Wayne) from "The Green Berets." He's played tough guys and bad asses in a large number of Westerns and war movies, and almost any of those characters would be a worthy addition to the posse. But to me, the snake-eating bad-ass that is Col. Kirby is the perfect fit for my group of toughs.

• The supplier; the guy with the connections: Lt. Hendley (James Garner) from "The Great Escape." Every posse needs someone who can get the other members what they need to do their jobs in the best way possible. Hendley is the master scrounger to beat all scroungers. Need guns? A camera? Some Dutch chocolate or some apple butter? Then Lt. Hendley is your man. Plus, he adds to the smart-assedness quotient of the team.

• The crazed badass who keeps people alive: Staff Sgt. Bob Barnes (Tom Berenger) of "Platoon." OK, he might not have been the nicest guy in the world, and yes, you can't trust him any further than you can throw him, but every posse needs a guy like Barnes — a balls-to-the-wall madman who won't stop until his objective is completed or he's dead. Plus, he does all he can to ensure the people stay alive to fight the enemy.

• The hard-to-kill tough guy who does the dirty work: Bullet Tooth Tony (Vinnie Jones) of "Snatch." Speaking of badasses, Tony needs to be on the team. Anyone who can take six bullets in one sitting — and still kill the shooter — is someone you want on your posse. Plus, you'll need someone to extract information from bad guys, a man who will do what it takes — no matter how bad or nasty it is — to get the job done. Plus, he could keep an eye out on Barnes!

• The kung fu master: Lee (Bruce Lee) in "Enter the Dragon." How can you not have a hand-to-hand expert on your posse? And, if you're going to have someone, how can it not be the greatest martial artist of all-time? Lee is THE shit when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Every posse needs someone who can sneak up on the bad guys and take them out without having to use a guy.

• The all-around guy — planner, muscle, mind: Sam (Robert De Niro) of "Ronin." This guy knows guns, ambushes, surveillance. He's always asking questions, making sure all the bases are covered. He's able to get down and dirty with his fists or his sidearm, he thinks ahead and has great detective skills. Also a skilled driver. We'll need this guy to make sure we don't miss anything.

• The training officer: Maj. John Reisman (Lee Marvin) of "The Dirty Dozen." Reisman brings brains to the operation, to help with aspects of the planning and the details, but his forté is in making sure everyone is ready to go for the mission, whatever it turns out to be. If he can take a group of death-row military inmates and turn them into an elite fighting force capable of infiltrating the enemy and then destroying the bad guy's resources/facilities, he will be a tremendous asset.

The sniper: Leon (Jean Reno) from "The Professional." There are shooters, and then there are shooters. And nobody does the kind of hard and dirty jobs like Leon. His skills with the rifle are hard to match (Berenger almost went here from his role in "Sniper," but Reno was too hard to pass up). Every good posse needs a foreigner, and Leon is one of the few French people that I actually like — outside of Inspector Clouseau, but I really can't add the brilliantly inept to the team. So the long, difficult assassinations go to Leon.

• The guy who never says die: Henri "Papillon" Charriere (Steve McQueen) from "Papillon." This might strike some as an odd choice, especially when I could have easily taken McQueen characters from "The Great Escape," "Bullitt," or "The Thomas Crowne Affair." But Papillon never gave in, no matter what. Oh, he might pretend to give up, but at the back of his head he was always plotting his next escape. We need someone on the posse who can't be put off his mission, no matter what happened to him.

• The comic relief tough guy: John McClane (Bruce Willis) of the "Die Hard" series. This guy is the consummate cop — tough, hard-boiled and sarcastic. He can fight, he can shoot, he can plan and he can think. He's a top-notch detective who can put it all together based on a few clues ... and do it while making everyone else laugh — except the bad guys.

please stand by ...

The Diatribe has been temporarily interrupted thanks to a LONG-ass 12-hour day (at least it was payday Friday), a crappy dinner, mind zoning and the need to still write two — make that one, now — editorials before I can resign myself to blissful slumber.

We apologize for the inconvenience and will return to full programming — including fresh photos and erotica — shortly. We ask for your patience. If you can't extend that, well ...

... heh.

Friday, February 17, 2006

oops ...

kinda passed out while watching television earlier ... around 10:30 p.m. or so ... I woke up after a little bit and told myself I needed to get out of bed before I dozed off seriously ... and kept telling myself ... until I re-passed out, not to awaken again till about 2 a.m.

and now I'm going back to bed. Maybe this will mean I wake up early and do all kinds of stuff then, including a real blog post ...

... yeah ... just I'm just so industrious like that ... LOL

room in the bed for anyone who wants to catch a nap next to a comfy, dozing fat dude ...

didn't bother to put on my glasses or spell-check this ... there; my excuse in case this post is littered with typo's and mistakes ...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

sometimes ...

... you just have to wallow in it, to revel in it. Not for long, not always, but every now and again.

... it's better to be engulfed and not bother raging against the storm.

... it doesn't matter what you say or what you do.

... shit happens and you just have to take it.

... you can catch a break.

... a lie is better than the truth.

... the above statement is completely wrong.

... it just doesn't pay to get out of bed in the morning.

... you have to break with the tried and true, especially after you keep trying and find it not to be true.

... a little gesture is all it takes.

... the big gesture is a complete waste.

... you don't get what you deserve.

... you get exactly what you deserve, but not in the way you thought.

... it's easy to buy into the hype, especially if it's self-generated.

... you think there's actually a small, tiny chance. There's not, but that won't keep you from hoping.

... things work out just fine.

... you tell yourself — or others — that things e worked out just fine. They didn't.

... the grass really is greener on the other side. But that's from the fertilizer.

... when we touch; the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold you till I die; till we both break down and cry. I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.

... you think you're funny and clever when you work a song line into your pretentious little list.

... you have nothing of substance or worth to blog about, so you throw something like this together.

Oh ... and the early HNT from Guam:
the 'stache: week 2

To find out more about Half-Nekkid Thursday,
check out the link, baby:

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The Guam National Wildlife Refuge was established in 1993 to protect and recover endangered and threatened species, protect habitat, control non-native species with emphasis on the brown tree snake, protect cultural resources, and provide recreational and educational opportunities to the public where possible. Thanks to the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, as I took that factoid directly from its Web site.

I want a cigarette ...

Bad. Really bad. Seriously. I mean BAD.

Maybe I'll settle for a cigar.

I just need a special occasion.

Shit ... Valentine's Day is over already.

Guess I'll have to hold out till President's Day.


I want a hooker ...

Bad. Really bad. Seriously. I mean BAD.

Maybe I'll settle for a stripper.


I want a steak.

Bad. Really bad. Seriously. I mean BAD.

Maybe I'll settle for a burger.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam is often mentioned as a joke (usually about remoteness) in television and movies. For example, in "Good Morning Vietnam," Sgt. Maj. Phillip 'Dick' Dickerson threatens Airman 2nd Class Adrian Cronauer with having to scrape birdshit off a runway in Guam. The tables are turned, when later the sergeant major is transferred to Guam.

"Guam sir? There's nothing going on in Guam. Why Guam?"

"Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times cause I thought you were a little crazy. But you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio."

Monday, February 13, 2006

a random sampling of The DZER ...

One of the cool things about my workplace is that, on top of our regular set of annual holidays, every employee gets a personal, paid holiday for their birthday. You can take it on the day of your birthday, or at any other time within about a month of your actual birth date.

I took mine today ... Monday ... which is rapidly approaching yesterday. And, once again, I used it to mostly just laze about and goof off. I did almost nothing productive. I did write a column about renewing my driver's license (long story), but other wise I just did some online gaming, watched TV and DVDs, went to the bookstore and bought a new book (guilty pleasure — the latest J.D. Robb hardcover), ate a Double Whopper with cheese from Burger King, then did some more gaming. I did do a little grocery shopping, but the laundry and dishes still need to be done. Tomorrow is soon enough.

To counteract the super sammich and the DWWC, I had a healthy dinner — cheese and crackers, an apple and some grapes. Will have fruit when I get up too. It's all about balancing the bad with the good, like karma, like yin and yang, like peanut butter and jelly, like strippers and DZER ... well, you get the point.

Really wanted to finish off an erotica piece, but was never in any kind of sexy writing mood during the course of the day, and didn't want to just pound it out for the sake of doing it and getting it done. Hmm ... now THAT sounded somewhat erotic and dirty ... LOL

And now for something completely different ...

I e-mailed a long-time friend of mine yesterday. It was the first time I'd communicated with her since she left the island more than a year ago. We'd once been very, very close friends. We had a pretty big falling out some time back, regarding a relationship gone bad that then went good. Long story. Really long story, and I won't share it here.

We stayed friends, of a sort, though it took me some time before I could even be civil, I was THAT upset over things. So we were no longer close. We were polite to each other, talked at work, chatted and were nice to each other at get-togethers, parties, events, etc. But neither of us went to any length to renew or reinvigorate our friendship — we didn't call each other, make plans that didn't involve others, or anything like that.

But my new job is partially what her old job used to be at the paper, so I wrote her to let her know, so she could laugh a little, and for some generic advice; she is a copy desk queen if nothing else.

She wrote back a nice e-mail. She said she missed our conversations ... "the coherent ones."
And she signed it:
Better write again, jerk.

Does she know me or what? LOL ... And I will write back ... and very soon — which is highly unusual for me when it comes to e-mail. LOL

And again with something totally different ...
Did I ever tell you I was Homecoming King in my senior year? It's true; here's the picture to prove it.

That's me, all snazzy in my tuxedo, complete with the drooping sash (it says KING or something like that, trust me! LOL) and, of course, with the crown. I wish they would have let me keep the crown. You can't see my shoes, but trust me when I tell you they were Adidas shell-toes, white with black stripes, with no shoelaces in 'em (I did not win 'em! I bought 'em off the Ave. with the tags still in 'em/I like to sport 'em that's why I bought 'em/a sucker tried to steal 'em so I caught em and I fought 'em). Heh.

That was the highlight of an otherwise shitty prom. The beautiful girl next to me was a friend of mine who was a year younger; a last-minute replacement for my fix-up date who had some kind of thing she forgot she had and so couldn't go. So it wasn't a real date-DATE, and I wasn't expecting anything more than company and a dance partner (yes, this was back when I danced). But she snuck off and I found her making out with a friend of mine (male junior ... might not have been a big deal if it was another female LOL). She wasn't my girlfriend or even a real date-DATE, but that was still wrong.

So I took her home early, came back to hook up with my buddies and got wasted! wooohooo!!

Sorry; found the pic and thought I'd share with the blogworld.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam's primary industry is tourism. The major component of Guam's tourism market is Japan, with about 950,000 visitors a year.

dagwood, eat your heart out ...

Just thought I would share my Saturday night dinner with everyone ...

And no, there's no PhotoShop trickery here. The sammich is photographed near my keyboard. Heh.

Super Sammich ingredients:
• A loaf of French bread
• Roast beef
• Turkey
• Smoked ham
• Provologne cheese
• American cheese
• Slices of tomato
• Yellow mustard
• Mayonnaise

I'd eaten a very early lunch and this was a late dinner, so I was VERY hungry. I didn't quite manage to finish it ... there was about 1/4 of it left, which I had several hours later as a late-night snack.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam was quiet today. Almost ... too quiet.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

from the "are you shitting me" file ...

NEW YORK (Reuters) — The gym that brought New Yorkers "Cardio Striptease" has dreamed up "Stiletto Strength," a workout to get women in shape to wear the highest of heels.

At a recent lunch-time session at Crunch gym near Times Square, dancer Amber Efe demonstrated how to strut like a cat-walk model, pivoting on six-inch heels that would challenge even the most ardent follower of shoe king Manolo Blahnik.

"Imagine you're at the bar, raise one hand high like you're holding your drink," she told the class, music pounding as she acted the part of a club-goer working through a crowd.

"Don't spill the drink," she told the group, a mix of women who clearly had plenty of experience and others still tottering on shoes that didn't show much wear.

"Stiletto Strength" was launched in January in response to client griping about getting back into high heels for winter. They're businesswomen and they have to wear heels so they want to understand how to look better in them and feel confident," national fitness director Donna Cyrus said.

Participants wear running shoes for the first part of the class, which focuses on strengthening lower body and abdominal muscles and improving balance and posture. The heels come out for the last 15 minutes.

— • — • — • — • — • —

Ladies ... c'mon ... seriously?

I don't think anyone here would take this kind of class (of course, I'm a man and therefore I could very well be wrong LOL), but it amazes me, frankly, that ANYONE would take this class.

What's next? Adjusting Back to Flats class? Tips and Tricks for Sneaker and Boot Wearing?

Why do they market these twists on exercise and fitness at women, and why do so many women jump on the bandwagon and enroll in these classes?

I'm just seeking some understanding here ... please, enlighten me.

OK ... I'm off to "Techniques for Getting in Free Gropes While Tipping Strippers" ... teaching it, of coure. ;)

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
Guam is an unincorporated territory of the United States. We are part of the United States and yet not. The United Nations lists us as one of a handful of colonies remaining in the world — areas that are owned and yet not fully part of another country.