Saturday, May 13, 2006

DZER by the numbers

I've seen this, or a similar version, on a couple of blogs, including that of Artful Dodger. Here's my version:

9 lasts
• Last place you were: at Blockbuster, renting DVDs for weekend watching.
• Last cigarette: Oct. 24, 2004.
• Last beverage: a two-liter bottle of Assam Black Tea.
• Last kiss: hmm … before Lent started, the last time I saw my favorite stripper.
• Last movie seen: in the theaters, “Lucky Number Slevin”; on DVD, “Love Actually.”
• Last phone call: made, to a guy setting up a ring game, to let him know I couldn’t make it; received, from a copy editor at work to double-check a fact in the editorial.
• Last CD played: wow … been a long time since I played an actually music CD, though I listed to “Greatest Hits of the 80s” on iTunes the other day.
• Last bubble bath: the last time I stayed overnight in a hotel that had a big enough bath to afford me this luxury — about 1-1/2 years ago, I think.
• Last time you cried: who would ask such a mean question? *sobs*

8 have you evers
• Have you ever dated someone twice: Yes.
• Have you ever been cheated on: Yes, yes and yes.
• Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Not so far.
• Have you ever fallen in love: Yes, unfortunately.
• Have you ever lost someone: Yes.
• Have you ever been depressed: Clinically depressed? Yes.
• Have you ever been drunk and thrown up: Duh.
• Have you ever hit another person: Many other people.

7 states you’ve been to
• State of Ecstasy.
• State of Bliss.
• State of Anger.
• State of Wonder.
• State of Awe.
• State of Disbelief.
• California.

6 things you’ve done today
• Played Neverwinter Nights.
• Watched some television.
• Took out the garbage.
• Went into the office.
• Bought some groceries — soup, Assam Black Tea, toilet paper, oranges, apples, Pepto-Bismal, Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine.
• Went to Blockbuster for some DVDs for weekend watching.

5 favorite things
My Favorite Person.
• Writing.
• Reading.
• A great meal and conversation with good friends.
• My mom’s cooking.

4 people you can tell pretty much anything to
My Favorite Person.

3 favorite colors
• Black.
• Charcoal gray.
• Hazel.

2 things you want to do before you die
• Meet My Favorite Person, in person.
• Have a novel published.

1 thing you regret
• Like there’s only one thing?

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam only has one civilian hospital, the Guam Memorial Hospital Authority, and it sucks.

Friday, May 12, 2006

DZERized quotations ...

This is what happens when I get bored, folks — I think up utter inanities and post them on my blog. What the hell did I do before I found blogging? Heh.

What follows are the beginning of some very famous (to some) and familiar (to fewer) quotes from some very well-known (again, subject to individual knowledge) ... but finished by the DZER. I chose most of them from memory, though I admit I used a search engine to find a few more to add to the list. I apologize in advance for the spate of profanity that likely will follow. ;)

Enjoy them ... or don't. LOL

For a real challenge, see if you can figure out who said what (the parts that aren't me). And don't you go using those afore-mentioned search engines, you cheaters. Heh.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

"When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary" ... to try to drive the green or lay up, just fucking go for it.

"We have not yet begun" ... to find out how idiotic "reality" television can be.

"The only thing we have to fear" ... is being stuck in a crowded room with virulent diarrhea.

"I regret that I have but" ... so much money to stuff into strippers' panties.

"Ask not what your country can do for you" ... when it's being led by a fucking idiot

"You can fool all of the people some of the time" ... but that doesn't mean you should go "all in" on a stone-cold bluff.

"Speak softly and" ... there's a good chance most people won't hear you."

"The buck stops" ... when it gets shot through the heart by the hunter.

"I find that the harder I work" ... the more work is piled upon my shoulders.

"I have a dream" ... that involves Chrissie and a hot tub. It's a long, involved dream. Heh.

"We have art to save ourselves" ... when the cable and Internet are out.

"Blessed be the meek" ... for they allow those of us who aren't to make some money now and then.

"A clever man" ... sometimes gets punched squarely in the nose.

"Winning isn't" ... for losers.

"I never met a man" ...

"It's not the size of the dog" ... unless it's one of those fucking HUGE dogs!

"Hit 'em where they" ... will feel the most pain.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam residents don't pay federal income tax, technically. We fill out the forms and turn them into our local Department of Revenue and Taxation, but all the money comes back to Guam — as does the taxes paid by military and federal employees.

ring-ring .... ring-ring ... *click*

Hafa adai.

You have reached the blog of the DZER.

The DZER isn't available to post anything meaningful on the Diatribe today, so please leave a message at the sound of the beep and he'll get back to you as soon as possible.


Thursday, May 11, 2006

the puzzle that is the DZER ...

first ... the early HNT from Guam (late again):

To find out more about Half-Nekkid Thursday,
check out the link, baby:

And now ... the answers to your questions:
From SignGurl:
Why do you think you are overweight? Is it emotional or physical?
• I ate too much and exercised too little. Getting better at that. Seriously though, I’ve always been a big guy. At one point, I was on a strict 1,000-calorie diet and working out intensively, thanks to football training. After about 12 weeks, I’d only taken off like 12 pounds total. This was before BMI though, and I’m sure I put on a lot of muscle during that time — I was a beast of power … heh.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From Kristen:
What's one regret in your life?
• That I had to give up smoking in order to keep on living with any degree of comfort.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

What's your guilty pleasure?
• Getting my head and face shaved at the barber shop at LEAST once a week, sometimes twice, at $15 a pop.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From Madame X:
If you could pick one author, living or dead, and interview them who would it be and what questions would you ask?
• J.R.R. Tolkien. I’d ask him: what fueled his creativity; what his tips were for writing; and what, in his mind, happened 100 years after the conclusion of his Lord of the Rings trilogy.

You can only read one newspaper for the rest of your life, which one is it?
• The local paper, wherever I was living.

"Unrequited love is better than no love" Do you agree or disagree and why?
• Disagree. Unrequited loves sucks big green donkey balls, but no love is even worse.

Your favorite guy blogger has been bitten on his dick by a poisonous snake while camping with you, do you suck the poison out or let him die?
• I don’t have a favorite guy blogger … which I’m sure breaks the hearts of the legion of male bloggers who read my blog. LOL

Why the hell are you still wearing those enormous submarine porthole glasses?!?!
• Because I’m a cheap bastard … that’s money that can be better spent playing poker … or stashed away for my impending move. Also, I don't think changing my glasses will result in me becoming any more attractive to the opposite sex than I am now ... which is close to nil.

What if we are the only 2 bloggers left in the universe? Would it be up to us to repopluate the blogger world?
• There’s a blogger world? I’d imagine I’d irritate the hell out of you by day 3 — “How come you haven’t commented on my last post yet?”

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From Everything Nice:
What in life, makes you feel the most spiritually fulfilled? What is it for you that makes you feel spiritually satisfied?
• A purely hit golf shot that goes exactly where I was aiming it. Or flopping the nut hand in Texas Hold ‘Em while everyone else has strong hands.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From Suze:
Dzer, given that you are the Egon Ronay of the Blogosphere & Guam. Which foods do you not like/make you feel sick?
• I can’t abide beans, peas, lima beans, okra, yams, squash and other assorted vegetables, or anything made with them.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From Natalia:
Who is this woman you love? Or have you blogged about it and I missed it?
• This chick I know. And probably. Heh.

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

From terry:
What’s the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
• Artful Dodger answered it in my comments, but the answer is a question: European or African swallow? Burdened or unburdened?

~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ •~ • ~ • ~

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• After the USS Indianapolis dropped off the atomic bomb on Tinian near the close of World War II, it made a brief stop on Guam. From here, it headed toward Leyte in the Philippines. It was sunk after being hit by two Japanese torpedos, killing 880 of 1,196 men aboard.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

getting to know DZER ...

This is your opportunity to find out more about the DZER.

Post a question or set of questions in the comments section — things you to know about me, my life, etc. — and, tomorrow, I will blog my answers.

Be serious or be funny. Dig deep or go for shallow.

Sounds like oodles of fun, yeah?

What's that? It sounds to you as if I was drawing a blank on what to post on today? No shit?


Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• According to the 2000 Census, Guam's population is 154,805. Of that, 42,980 live in one village — Dededo, in the north

It seems as if Madame X tagged me, not realizing I had done the meme below. But, she had some additional parts, and I present them now:

I BELIEVE … I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and Eart; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and was buried. He ascended into Heaven, and is seated at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. He will judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost, The Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen. (Not necessarily, but amazing how that Catholic memory still kicks in, huh?)

I KNOW … that I’m smarter than most people. And it gives me sense of superiority (and sometimes disdain). This is one of my biggest faults. But I don’t expect you to understand that ;)

I CAN … roll my tongue, remember pi to six significant digits, crush an aluminum can on my forehead, change a tire, burp on command, juggle three items and make an awesome grilled cheese sammich.

I CAN’T … understand why people enjoy texting on cell phones. If you have a phone, and someone else has a phone, why not talk on the phone?

I SEE … the realities of life. But, somehow, I manage — usually — to ignore them so I can retain some semblance of sanity.

I BLOG … because it’s what the voices in my head tell me to do. Shut up! YOU shut up! Fuck you! No; fuck you!

I READ … high fantasy books (Tolkien, Eddings, etc.) for the most part, although I like crime novels and some sci-fi as well.

I AM AROUSED BY … an nice display of cleavage, a woman with a graceful neck and defined clavicle, a sexy woman laughing at one of my jokes.

IT PISSES ME OFF … that I’m not obscenely rich.

I FIND … comfort in small pleasures — a great steak, the lingering of a woman’s lips on mine, the curve of a woman’s breast, the voice of MFP on the phone, the laughter of my godsons.

I LIKE … it, I love it, I want some more of it.

I LOVE … when someone bets big into me and I have the nut hand on the flop (poker terminology, ladies).

don't read this post if you don't like self-pitying whiners!!

This tag is long overdue. Sorry it took me so long, snow white.

I AM … perturbed.

I SAID … once that I don’t believe in the prototypical Hollywood happy ending in romantic comedies. What I meant is that I don’t believe they could ever happen to me.

I WANT … a cigarette, a lapdance, a cold beer, a thick steak and a good lay — not necessarily in that order.

I WISH … the woman I love loved me in the same way.

I HATE … that so many of my favorite people live so far away.

I MISS … smoking cigarettes. I’m sure that’s not what many people want to hear me say, but it’s true.

I FEAR … that I will die both lonely and alone … and that no one will notice for a long time.

I HEAR … the snickers, jokes at my expense and insults that you think I don’t.

I WONDER … when I’m going to die.

I REGRET … that my father died before I was able to tell him how much I loved him.

I AM NOT … a handsome man, by most standards. I like to think I make up for that with my dizzying intellect, charismatic charm and wonderful sense of humor, but that’s all in my head, based on the realities of my life.

I DANCE … only at weddings, and only then for the quick, traditional dance with the bride, and even then, only because it’s expected, almost demanded. Up through college and a few years past that, I loved dancing and went out at least once a week, and usually two to three times. I can’t really pinpoint when that stopped.

I SING … a pretty decent version of Freddy Fender’s “Before the Next Teardrop Falls.”

I CRY … when I think about my father. I don’t know when I will ever get fully over his death, or even if I ever will. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t miss him.

I AM NOT ALWAYS … as good of a son as I should be. Sorry, mom.

I MADE … $40 playing poker earlier tonight. I was happy, because at one point I was down $200. Hit a few good (and lucky) pots toward the end.

I WRITE … because I have no idea what I would do if I didn’t write.

I CONFUSE … Kellog’s Sugar Smacks with Post Super Sugar Crisp.

I NEED … for, just once in my life, for a woman to tell me she’s IN love with me. It’s never happened before. Women have said, “I love you,” to me on multiple occasions, but the overwhelmingly vast majority of time, it was accompanied by the words or meaning of as a friend, like a brother, as a fellow human being, as a son/brother/cousin. I hear from others all the time that I can’t give up, that I have to keep looking for a woman who can and will love me. But every time I have taken that advice, I have ended up heartbroken … because no one has ever been in love with me. How sad and pathetic is that?

I SHOULD … just give up on the idea that I might ever be with someone in a real and love-filled relationship. If I could give up the slight sliver of hope I somehow manage to retain, I would be less sad more often. But I can’t, even though my logical, rational brain knows it’s not going to happen.

I START … thinking about what I want to next to with my life and realize that I will have to make some hard decisions and a tough choice in order to achieve those goals.

I FINISH … things late because I’m a serial procrastinator.

I TAG … No one.

wow ... that was mostly depressing, huh?

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam also has black sand beaches in a few areas. I have no idea what makes black sand ... non-vibrant parrot fish?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Thing’s I’ve learned

Every month, Esquire runs a feature called “Things I’ve Learned.” It’s answers from an interview with a celebrity about all sorts of things, from general things about their lives, love, business, etc.

I thought that I’d share some of the things that I have learned in my 37-plus years on this mortal coil.

• When it comes down to it, education isn’t about the classes you take or the degrees you earn. The most important things I’ve learned so far weren’t learned in school — they were from my dad and my mom. Pops taught me to persevere, to always finish what I start. He taught me the value of working hard, being generous and giving to others, and pretty much how to be a man. He taught me to fish, how to tie knots, catch and hit a baseball, to use a machete, make the best grilled cheese and the importance of knowing how to use tools. And so much more. My mother taught me the value of patience and perseverance, how to sew a basic stitch, the importance of family and how to love unconditionally. And so much more.

• You’re never really prepared for the death of a parent, whether it’s a protracted, slow fade or a sudden shock.

• Everyone should know how to change a tire. And keep jumper cables in their vehicle.

• Life isn’t fair. Neither is love.

• You don’t have to like your family members in order to love them. You don’t have to like your co-workers in order to do your job and get work done.

• Practice never really makes perfect. However, it does help significantly toward attaining that unreachable goal. Nobody is so good at anything that they can afford to not practice it.

• If you’re in a fight and can land just one, hard punch squarely on the nose of the person you’re fighting, you’re probably going to win that fight. Not only does a blow to the nose hurt like hell, but it also blurs your vision long enough that it’s almost impossible to consciously block following punches, which leads to a correspondingly higher probability that you’ll get beat up.

• It’s very cliché, but it’s very hard to beat a good day on the golf course. Also trite: A bad day of golf is better than a good day of almost anything else.

• Even the smartest of people are capable of doing the most stupid things.

• Words can hurt so much more, and cause so much more lasting and devastating damage, than an actual physical blow. Unless we’re talking about getting struck hard in the nuts; that’s pain. And if you’re a woman, don’t tell me about how much pregnancy hurts — I believe you and I’m glad it’s your burden to push 12-pounds, large-headed beings out of a small opening, rather than mine. But a hit to the balls still hurts bigtime.

• Serving your country, in the military or otherwise, is one of the greatest things an individual citizen can do. I’m thankful and grateful for those in the armed forces, and proud of the members of my family who have served, and those who continue to do so.

• I still really miss smoking. I don’t think that will ever change.

• There’s nothing like the hug of child.

• When people ask you for your advice about their current relationship, they’re almost never want to hear your honest opinion, especially if you don’t think they should be in it, or if the other person is a bitch/jerk. What they want to hear is something that will validate and reinforce their feelings.

• Homemade cookies, fresh out of the oven, are the best cookies in the world. And the smell is hard to beat. I love them — peanut butter, sugar, chocolate chip, ginger snaps, oatmeal and raisin. How come no one has sent me any? My snail mail address is on the sidebar! All homemade cookies welcome! Heh.

• Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if you did your best. But, usually, it really does.

• I will always be a large, fat guy. I can’t see myself as rail-thin (my neck would snap from the weight of my head), or even toned and muscularly athletic. However, I can — and WILL — weigh less and be in better shape.

• If you don’t impose expectations on others — warranted or unwarranted — they can’t let you down. That being said, be prepared to be disappointed. Often.

• Sometimes, the worst things happen to the best people. Sometimes, the best things happen to the worst people. And, sometimes, both good and bad people get exactly what they deserve.

• You can’t get what you want by waiting for it to happen. You have to take the initiative and put in the energy and work required. Unless we’re talking about the lottery. And, even then, you can’t hit the jackpot if you don’t buy a ticket.

Editor’s note: Just because I’ve learned these things doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t act in a manner contrary to the lesson. That’s what being human is all about.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam's white sand beaches are, primarily, the product of one thing — parrot fish shit. Parrot fish eat coral, and when they've completed digesting their meals, they defecate sand.