Saturday, June 24, 2006

questioning the sanity of the supreme being ...

WARNING: The following post is full of heretical, if not apostate, conjectures and wonderings. Proceed at your own risk.

What if God is crazy? I don't mean crazy as "wild and crazy." I mean as in "clinically insane." As in "stark raving mad." As in "looney tunes." As in "bats in the belfry." As in "completely and utterly bonkers."

Maybe he's bipolar and he's both God and Satan. Two sides of the same coin. One side is the benevolent, loving, and caring supreme being. The other side is malicious, mean and malevolent. It would explain a lot, no? Like the whole "Why would God allow (fill in the blank) to happen?" thing.

Maybe He's just a bit schizophrenic? it might be the reason that God, in the Old Testament, was the fiery eye-for-an-eye diety, while in the New Testament, he's the kind-hearted, love-thy-neighbor guy.

Multiple personality disorder would also explain the whole three-in-one manifestation, how God is the Father, Son AND Holy Ghost, while also still being just the one God. Maybe that's why prayers are answered sometimes, but not others — we're addressing our pleas to the wrong personality that's currently manifested.

Maybe that's why there are so many splinter cells of Christianity, or one-god-as-supreme-being religions in general out there. Maybe that's why he doesn't manifest himself regularly, as he seemed to do fairly often in the Old Testament — he's just stretched too thin by the teeming masses of humanity cluttering up the globe, who are a constant strain, always asking for help and guidance and miracles.

And yes, I'm well aware that I'll be going to hell. In fact, I've been assured that I'm taking the express train — no waiting, no stops, business class. I'm pretty sure there's a middle-management position waiting for me too. I'll see what I can do too hook up my fellow sinners when you guys get down there with me.

In Chamorro, the phrase for "thank you" is "si Yu'us ma'ase," which literally translates as "the mercy of God."

Friday, June 23, 2006

three blips of brightness in a shitty weekend ...

This is gonna be a long weekend for me ... fucking bleah™.

Oh well, such is life, no?

Lot of work to do, lot of projects to get done, lot of chores and little things on top of all that. I like my weekends to be worry free, work free ... pretty much free of anything but laziness, occasional gluttony and doing nothing.

There are a few bright spots, however. They may not be big, but I'm going to grab on to any thread of positivity I can get.

1. I may get to play poker tonight after missing the Wednesday game. It all depends on how much work I can get done by about 9:30 p.m. Cross your fingers for me.

2. On Sunday, I get to go out and play some golf with my pare' and my godsons. That's going to be the high point of the weekend, I'm sure.

3. I finally got off my ass and got my nice watch repaired. It was one of the few times in my life I totally indulged myself with something expensive. I have a hard time spending a lot of money on the simple, every day things — clothing, shoes, watches. But this watch was the exception.

It's a Bulova, with titanium casing (very light), waterproof to 100 meters. When I bought it, I think it was a little over $250, on sale. The most I'd ever paid for a watch before that was about $75.

I've had a few cheap watches to get me by since this one broke about a year and a half ago — the gold lining around the date indicator came loose and kept the minute hand from progressing around the dial, and I just never bothered to get it fixed.

Did that today after asking a co-worker about a reputable watch repair place. Dropped it off before lunch, picked it up after. The guy fixed the broken part, put in a new battery, cleaned it and even set the time and date for me. It's nice to have it back again.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

still got nothin' ... which means meme time ...

This is a modified version of a list on kristen’s blog. Enjoy … or not. Yeah, that kinda mood. It may be reflected in the answers below.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
Close to 6’5” or so.

2. Favorite movies?
“Casablanca,” “The Jerk,” “Goodfellas,” “Philadelphia Story,” among others.

3. Do you own a gun?
Not technically …

4. Who is your biggest enemy?
I have looked into the face of my enemy, and he is me. And he’s fucking huge!

5. Favorite Scent?
Stripper perfume. Transferred from their hot bodies to my face.

6. Do you like hot dogs?
With sauerkraut, chopped onions and yellow mustard.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
There isn’t just one.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
The scent of a woman laying next to me in a tangle of sheets.

9. Do you do push-ups?
I’ve unhooked push-up bras.

10. Brothers or sisters?

11. What’s your most liked piece of jewelry?
The 3-carat diamond ring I found in the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks.

12. What do you take for pain relief?
Nothing. I live for pain. Or Advil.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I’d appreciate it if someone would fucking tell me, because nothing I’ve tried has ever worked. Unless this means, how do you lure women you are attracted into becoming “just friends” … because then I have a fucking arsenal of secret weapons to accomplish that job. It’s like I’m the Zen fucking master of getting women to want to be my buddy.

14. Do you own a knife?
Several, actually, for a variety of different uses. Different -sized blades, some short, some long ... I even have one made of composite materials that doesn't show up in X-ray machines. The CIA uses something similar for their operatives. The edges aren't sharp for cutting/slicing, but you can stick someone like a pig with it and twist it to make it almost impossible for the wound to close.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
I’m too phlegmatic and fucking lazy to have A.D.D., unless the acronym stands for “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons.”

16. Middle name?
Miguel. Sexy, hot and Spanish … everything I’m not.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
Despondency. Unlovedness. Unwanted. Oh yeah, party pooper in the house. Revel in it, bitches.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
Gas. Iced tea. The Farm.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Iced tea. Coffee. Hot tea.

20. What time did you wake up today?
9:30 a.m.

21. Current worry?
Like there’s just one?

22. Current hate?
Lawn ornaments.

23. Your favorite place to be?
On the golf course or in a poker room.

24. Least favorite place to be?
In my shoes.

25. Where would you like to go?
To a world of make believe and fantasy where all your dreams come true. Or the strip club. Hmm … same thing?

26. Do you own slippers?
Yes. And I wear them to work.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
I’m topless. *pauses for a bit to allow people to clean up the puke.*

28. Do you burn or tan?
I burn baby, burn (like a disco inferno).

29. Least favorite color?
Puce. Hate the way it sounds. And looks. It makes me wanna puce my guts out.

30. Would you be a pirate?
Arr! Avast, me mateys! I'll scuttle yer tallywag and keelhaul yer barnacles!

31. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Half a beer on Sunday at the golf course.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower.

33. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Nuclear war. There were times I would wake up suddenly because of a jet passing overhead and be temporarily blinded by the bright sunlight and think that a nuke had just been detonated and think I was about to die.

34. What's in your pockets right now?

35. Last thing that made you laugh?
For real laugh or fake laugh? I laughed when I read a deer came into an old woman’s house and attacked her. I fake laughed in a conversation with someone who told a bad joke, out of charity.

36. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Quilt my grandmother made.

37. Worst injury you've ever had?
Spinal tumor. Snapped my right index finger almost in half. Fish hook through foot that subsequently was ripped out. Beer bottle to head. Dislocated shoulder. None compare to the several broken hearts. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’ … barely.

38. What is your favorite pet?
Right hand over woman’s left tit.

39. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Three. Only one plugged in; two are in the closet of the spare bedroom.

40. Who is your loudest friend?
That’s a relative term. It implies that I have many friends from which to choose a loudest one.

41. Who is your most silent friend?
A Buddhist monk in Tibet who hasn’t talked in 30 years.

42. Does someone have a crush on you?
No one ever has a crush on me. Someone once bought me an Orange Crush. Does that count? Didn’t fucking think so.

43. Do you wish on stars?
No, I prefer to disembowel livestock and read the entrails. Do people actually wish on stars? What the fuck is that?

44. What is your favorite book?
The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

45. What is your favorite candy?
Knew a stripper who went by the stage name “Candy” before and she was pretty sweet. Yeah. I’m going with that.

46. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Nobody’s ever going to marry me unless I can pony up the $20K for a mail-order bride. Yes, I’ve window shopped.

47. What song do you want played at your funeral?
What’s the point? Are people going to leave saying, “Great music … I’m glad he died so I could enjoy that selection of tunes. I downloaded it into my iPod!”

48. What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night?
Why? What did you see? What did you hear?

49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
“Fuck. I can’t believe I have to be awake.”

50. Do you have a favorite charity?
S.T.R.I.P.P.E.R.S -- Sexually Tantalizing Ravishing Individuals Professionally Pole-dancing and Erotically Revealing SeƱoritas.

The Random Guam Fact Of The Day is closed today due to sulky moodiness. Deal with it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

some stuff ... and the early HNT from Guam ...

I should be playing poker right now. Well, actually, I COULD be playing poker right now.

Why aren't I?

Fuck if I know. Seriously.

Too long a day, I guess. Just needed some do-nothing time.

Well, kind of ... sort of.

I do have a ton of little things to get done around here, things I've been putting off because, well, I'm a classically trained procrastinator.

I've actually done a couple of them too. Dishes are done. Trash is bagged and ready to be brought downstairs. Still need to collect laundry, which will need to be done tomorrow. Cleaned out the fridge.

Shit. Just noticed a few more dishes that have to be done. Hate that.

Still need to clean off and rearrange my desk. Put some books away. Dust a few of my many shelves. Replace a few lightbulbs.

Also, have a bunch of DVD's to watch. Just finished up "Underworld Evolution." Still left to go, over the next several days:

• "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"

• "Hoodwinked"

• "The Pink Panther" (Steve Martin remake)

• "Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio"

• "The World's Fastest Indian"

• "The Seat Filler"

• "Cheaper by the Dozen 2"

OK, enough of the boring crap.

Oh ... still no winner chose in the "If DZER Was an Acronym, What Would It Stand for" contest. Not because there weren't enough or any good entries, but because I'm a lazy fucker. :D

The Early HNT from Guam
Since I got some comments on the last picture I posted that involved my huge hands, I thought I'd do another one that gave a little more detail, as well as a better sense of scale. Note the quarter. :)

To find out more about Half-Nekkid Thursday,
check out the link, baby:

According to the CIA Factbook, for every woman on Guam, there are 2.58 children. Boy, I bet that 0.58 of a kid gets teased a lot ;)

mishmash ...

More golf course pictures

Oh deer!
From a report by the Associated Press:

A 75-year-old northeast Ohio woman is recovering from injuries she received this week when a deer got into her home and attacked her.

Mary Blake of suburban Cleveland opened her patio door Wednesday to let her border collie back inside and was shocked when a female deer followed close behind.

Blake says she tried to shut the door, but the deer knocked it off track and then knocked into Blake and started stomping her.

Blake frantically called police as the deer damaged her walls, furniture and some keepsakes.

Two police officers arrived and were able to coax the deer outside.

Blake was treated at the hospital for bruises and cuts on her arms, legs and stomach. She has 27 stitches on her right knee.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Hmm ... I think the dog was in on it! What pooch wouldn't try to protect his owner from a crazy ... female deer? LOL

Another blogging toon

Guam's area code is 671. Yep, we only have one.

Don't stop here! More fun below!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Do Zygomorphs Ever Reproduce?

Yeah ... I got nothing ;)

Monday, June 19, 2006

marvelous moments at mangilao ...

Every year, on or around Father's Day, some golf buddies from work and I head to the island's most amazing, beautiful golf course: Mangilao Golf Resort. This year it was me, Steve (my pare', which means father to my godsons), Jojo and Cid. I've known them all for a long time — Jojo and I went to college together, Steve and I have been friends for more than 10 years, and Cid and I go back about six years or so. I regularly play golf with all of them over the year, but recently Steve and I have played a lot together, as we've been taking out his boys to Admiral Nimitz Golf Course.

Mangilao makes Nimitz seem like someone's backyard. This majestic course is situated on the eastern side of the island, along the cliffside. On top is the front nine; the back nine are down the cliff and along the coast. The course is always in tip-top condition, from fairways to greens. Even the rough is in great shape. There are tons of flowers, trees and shrubs, so visually it's very appealing as well. It's challenging, with super-fast greens, but it really is a pleasure to play.

I actually played like shit for most of the day, especially on the back nine, and none of us shot anywhere close to a good game — we were all over 100 on the par-72 course. But we had a great time. We all like each other, and playing golf with each other. I finished third in overall score.

But, being golfers, we're all gamblers too, so there were a number of wagers on the match. First, there were uncovered skins. We all put money into a pot, which is then awarded out based on the number of skins you win. To win a skin, you must shoot par or better on a hole, and have no one else tie you on that hole. I won the first skin, and it was the only skin until the 16th hole, when Steve won one. That meant only two skins, so the two of us split the pot. I was THAT close to taking all the money.

We also had pots for low front-nine score, low back-nine score, low-overall score, and another pot for greenies. To win a greenie, you must be on the green of a par-3 in one shot, and score par or better. I had a chance to win the first greenie after a great shot on the fourth hole, but I hit my putt to hard on a super-fast green and it rolled off and into a sand bunker. I blasted out and then ended up three-putting from there. Yes, I went from birdie putt to triple-fucking bogey. I'm still soooo pissed about that! LOL ... Anyway, Cid won low front, Jojo won low back, and they tied for low overall. Jojo got a greenie on the signature hole, a par-3 over the ocean to a peninsula green (photo below) and then two-putted for par to win the greenie pot.

There's also a game called "Putting Olympics." The person with the furthest putt, if he makes it in one stroke, wins $2. Next furthest out wins $1.50 with a made putt, the next closest wins $1 if he one-putts, while the closest putt gets 50 cents for a one-putt. If you're off the green or on the fringe and make it in, you get $2.50.

This is where I really cleaned up. I made a par putt on hole No. 3, a par-five, despite being in the sand on my drive and then hitting into the next bunker on my second shot. Lucky for me I got a decent out from there, then sent a beautiful 8-iron from 125 yards to about 15 feet from the pin, which left me with the $1 putt, which I drained. That meant all three of the others each owed me $1 ($3 total), plus I won the skin.

On the sixth hole, I was on the fringe of a par-four after three shots, about 20 feet from the hole. I used my putter and everyone watched me drain it center-cut. So each person owed me $2.50, for $7.50 total. On the ninth hole, I had the furthest putt, about 18 feet or so. Yep, drained another one, which meant $2 from each, or $6 total. On the back nine I made two more putts for money, one for 50 cents, the other for $1, and that was another pretty long one, for another $4.50 total. That meant a total of $21 for me just from Putting Olympics. Steve was the only other person to win skins, but he only won $3 worth, which meant a total of $18 for me. Heh.

It was blazingly hot and humid day and I was pretty spent for most of the back nine, which made my score balloon. On the front side, it was looking like I'd break 100 easily, but I struggled in above that. But despite the highest score I've registered in about two years, it was still a great day. Good friends, good conversation, a lot of friendly trash talking, and golf on a pristine and wonderful course.

What more can a guy ask for?

OK ... enough rambling. I gotta head back into work for several hours, so it's unlikely I'll be around at the usual time to look at blogs and comment and stuff, which is why I wanted to knock this out as early as I could.

Enjoy the photos below! I will get the flower/scenic pics up on DZER's Guam Pics a little later today.

Note: Click on images to see bigger versions.Me just outside the clubhouse. The view's amazing, no?
Me and my pare' (father of my godsons), Steve.
The clubhouse view in the other direction. Note Earth's curvature. LOL
The course's signature hole: penisula green over the ocean. Tough.
The foursome at the signature hole. From left, Jojo, Steve, Me, Cid.

and here's my shitty swing, via animated gif
from swing pics taken by the golf course staff
on the signature hole ...

Mangilao Golf Resort was designed by Nelson and Haworth golf course architects. The course is 6,904 yards in length. It's also a certified Audubon Cooperative Sanctuary System golf course, which means that it "emphasizes natural resource and wildlife habitat management in an environmentally friendly manner." Click on the link for more information and some great photos.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

59 questions answered by DZER ...

Every year on Father’s Day, or the day before, four of us from the paper go out for a round of golf at the nicest course on the island, Mangilao Golf Resort. We almost never play there, because a round usually costs $80. But every year for Father’s Day, they have a special: round of golf, two drinks (water) per player, a bag tag, a few tees and a ball marker, lunch with iced tea or coffee, plus a commemorative photograph showing off your swing and a picture of your foursome (sorry, AAG and other dirty-minded folks -- not THAT kind of foursome LOL). If you buy the package as a foursome, it ends up costing just $68 per person, so that’s when we go, to get the full value.

Anyway, I’ll post more on that tomorrow (for me), along with some photographs, both here and over on DZER’s Guam Pics, which will be mostly floral photography.

Until then, I give you the following meme, lifted from Madame X.

1. What time did you get up this morning? About 5:45 a.m., which is HIGHLY unusual for me, especially on a Sunday. But I had an early morning tee time at the nicest golf course on the island, so it’s worth the sleep deprivation.

2. Diamonds or Pearls? I don’t wear either, but I love a woman in diamonds … especially if I didn’t have to pay for them. LOL

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Unfortunately, “The Break Up.” Will never get that $7.50 back.

4. What is your favorite TV show? “The Daily Show,” "The Colbert Report," “SportsCenter” and the “CSI” franchise.

5. What did you have for breakfast? A cup of coffee and a glazed doughnut.

6. What is your middle name? Miguel. Sexy and foreign, no?

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Chamorro fiesta … though I also love Chinese, Italian, and down-home American.

8. What foods do you dislike? Peas, lima beans, squash, snails, most fish and seafood.

9. What is your favorite type of music? Classic rock ‘n’ roll, though I like a wide spectrum of music, from classical to country to rap.

10. What kind of a car do you drive? A 12-year-old 1994 Nissan King Cab SE-V6.

11. What characteristics do you despise? Hypocrisy, bigotry, selfishness.

12. Favorite item of clothing? My tailor-made tuxedo.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Central Valley part of California. A distant second, The World Series of Poker, as a participant.

14. What color is your bathroom? White. Boring. Bleah.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? An brand that fits my big ass. LOL

16. Where would you retire to? Do you mean, “To where would you retire?” Doesn’t matter; pretty sure I’ll die before reaching retirement age. LOL

17. Favorite time of day? Usually between 11 p.m. and midnight. During daylight savings time, it’s around midnight to 1 a.m.

18. Where were you born? In a hospital in Rome, N.Y.

19. Favorite sport to watch? NFL football.

20. What is your favorite product that you use? It USED to be Kool Menthol Filter Kings … LOL. Now? Hmm … Assam Black Tea.

21. Coke or Pepsi? Either, but I prefer Assam Black Tea.

22. Are you a morning person or a night owl? If morning means midnight to 3 a.m. … LOL. Definitely a night owl.

23. How many kids do you want? At least one. Got a tyke you can spare?

24. Where do you see yourself in five years? Somewhere else.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I’ve found a woman who loves me for who I am … psyche!!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A professional football player.

27. Favorite candy bar? Not really into candy … but it used to be Butterfinger and Big Hunk.

28. What is your best childhood memory? Fishing with my dad and family.

29. What are the different jobs you've had in your life? I mowed lawns, sold cold drinks to construction workers, babysat, bagged groceries, sold study guides in college, was a freelance writer, night club bouncer (suprise, huh? LOL), dart supplies salesman, teacher (one day on the job, thank you very much), copy editor, reporter/writer, editor.

30. Star Wars or Star Trek? Star Wars, but only the original three. Does anyone actually choose Star Trek?

31. Any nicknames? Big D, D, Dzer, Big Daddy.

32. Eye color? Steel blue.

33. Ever been to Africa? Does it count that I think I was a rhino in a previous life? LOL

34. Ever been toilet papered? Only my ass.

35. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Duh.

36. Croutons or bacon bits? I’d prefer real strips of crispy bacon.

37. Favorite day of the week? Sunday -- usually my do-nothing day.

38. Favorite restaurant? Probably Roy’s in the Hilton Guam Resort and Spa.

39. Favorite ice cream? Ice cream sandwich.

40. Favorite flower? None, really. I like to give roses though.

41. Favorite day of the year? Christmas.

42. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King and Quizno’s.

43. Favorite Web site? DZER’s Diatribe … isn’t that EVERYONE’s fave Web site? LOL

44. How many times did you fail your drivers test? Passed it on the first attempt, thank you very much.

45. Who did you get your last e-mail from? I think it was my mom … she still keeps sending me those ultra-forward crap e-mails.

46. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I have no credit card, but if I did, I would say … a store that sells golf supplies.

47. What do you do most often when you're bored? Nothing. That’s why I’m bored! Hell-oh!

48. What time do you usually go to bed in the evening? I don’t go to bed in the evening; I go to bed in the early morning hours … usually 2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

49. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Hmm … people will respond to this? LOL

50. Last person you went out to dinner with? Myself. Yes, that’s sad as hell; I realize that.

51. Ford or Chevy? Hmm … GM! Was that the right choice, My Favorite Person? LOL

52. What are you listening to right now? The U.S. Open report on ESPN’s SportsCenter.

53. What is your favorite color? Charcoal gray or black.

54. Lake, ocean or river? I’m an island boy … ocean.

55. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Didn’t the chicken have to cum to make the egg? Or at least the rooster, leaving a frustrated hen to finish herself off? Heh.

56. What is your favorite song? Too many to choose just one. Anything by Zeppelin, The Doors or The Eagles would work though.

57. What book are you reading right now? “Eats, Shoots & Leaves.” Brilliant book about punctuation.

58. What is the one thing you cannot travel without? Money. I could travel without that, but I wouldn’t get far.

59. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Absolut kamikaze on the rocks, though I rarely drink.

Ooh! And I just had to share this comic strip with all of you :)

Guam's official time zone is "Chamorro Standard Time," thanks to an act of Congress, and it went into effect on Dec. 23, 2000. It's 14 hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time. It's also the only U.S. time zone that's west of the International Date Line.