And the winners are ...

Yesterday's DZER's Diatribe featured two separate contest: Pick the best DZER pic and the links/alleration find.

Here are the winners of the FABULOUS PRIZES!!:

• buttah: You're right. The cigar pick rocks. Especially since I can't smoke any more. Fuck.

• sugarpunk: You didn't get the right answer to the links part, because it wasn't just the links I added, but the number of different people who were linked in the actual post. However, you got the alliteration part right. Plus, no one else bothered to make a guess.

So what are FABULOUS PRIZES?

Buttah wins dinner with DZER at the Hyatt Regency Guam's Al Denté Ristorante (premium Italian food).

Sugarpunk wins an all-over oil massage at the Guam beach of her choice from me, the DZER.

Note: Transportation to Guam is the responsibility of the winners. Prizes expire Dec. 31, 2005.

MERRY CHRISTMAS DECORATING

OK. I admit it freely. I'm a Christmas guy. An EARLY Christmas guy.

Yep. That guy almost all of you hate.

I like the Christmas stuff going out on sale early. Why? Because if gives me more time to prepare. I like first dibs on the cool stuff. I like first choice of good, quality wrapping paper, and not having to settle on super-thin, easily torn and creased Smurf wrapping paper that's two decades old.

I admit that I've gone a tad bit overboard. I can't resist picking up more stuff when I'm out shopping — even though I have plenty. Today I added five more rolls of wrapping paper of different colors and tones, ribbons, bows and more bows. And tags. And some metallic string (gonna try something new ... heh!). Oh, and a box of Twinkies. But I balanced that with a bag of baby carrots. But that's another blog for another time.

So, today I put up my brand new door decorations: Ta-da!!



Now, this doesn't mean my door is done. But the door is drilled and the super-cute, super on-sale ($4.99) wood and wire homey Christmas sign is up on the door. And the homey, wooden, super-cool and super on-sale ($2.99) sign is up over the door. And yes, drilling the concrete above the door was a bonus — I got to break out my power drill, which totally rocks.



Yes, it's not a super drill. It's a Skil 1/2" drill with the power horizontal grab bar (where you can store drill bits) and the drill bit hole at the bottom. Like I said, it's not a pneumatic drill or anything, but it gets the job done — for me that means it can drill concrete so I can insert anchors for screws.

Any, back to the Christmas stuff. There still may be more stuff going on the door. Hell, I might splurge on one of those Christmas welcome mats at Kmart.

Wait; it gets worse.

Tomorrow, I'm putting up the lights on my balcony. My little mini fiber optic tree is coming out, along with any and all home decorations. Some will be going into the office with me to dress up my "pod" for the department-vs.-department decorating contest.

Most Christmas cards are out. Blogger Christmas cards — with lovely surprises inside — go out early next week. Present wrapping starts next week as well.

Christmas carols are playing on my iTunes as I write this. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams — one of my all-time favorites!

Hell, I just might go to Mass during advent! Hmm ... maybe I shouldn't use "hell" when I talk about going to church.

I, in my capacity as Jingle George, will be a celebrity bell ringer for the Salvation Army Dec. 10 at Guam Premium Outlets for an hour or two. I'm sure there will be pics.

DZER NEEDS A DATE

Oddly enough, Dec. 10 is also my company Christmas party. I am, for the fourth year in a row, the emcee of the event. I pretend to hate doing it, but those of you who know of my haminess know I freaking love it. Last year it was tough because I was off cigarettes and in a bit of an emotional funk, but this year should be all joy and happiness. Hmm. Better not count that chicken before it's hatched.

Also, as of now, I am going stag. I have the option to bring someone along for free, but all of my favorite strippers work on Saturday nights. And no, there isn't anyone I can think of to ask, especially who isn't already going.

Fuck. There's the funk. Another lonely Christmas ... another New Year's Eve without a date or a kiss. Well, at this point, what's another one, right?

So, if any of you think you might happen to be on Guam on the 10th, let me know by the 6th. The night will include a good dinner, dancing, fun and engaging company and me on the microphone guiding the event along.

It just would be nice to have a date is all.

I promise to be a perfect gentleman. No sexual advances, no forwardness. I won't even get drunk.

Fuck it.

I WILL DANCE!

Damn. I can't believe I typed that. The last time I danced was ... almost 10 years ago, when Ri got married.

So there's your incentive.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• One of Guam's Christmas traditions is the "bilen," or nativity scene. Some families have giant, life-sized recreations on their lawns. Others have sprawling bilens inside their living rooms, that seek to recreate not only the manger scene, but the city of Bethlehem and the surrounding countryside (the shepherds, you see). Most have a small, tidy display that's easy to put up and take down.

gross ant story, updates and thanksgiving ...

OK, just in case you thought you were having a bad week, I present to you the following story:

KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

On Monday, the patient's family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.

Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.

WTF??? Ants. Ate. Her. Fucking. Eye.

While she was in the hospital.

Being eyecandy is NOTpleasant.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

OK ... let the updates begin!!



• Yes, new photos, such as the one above, are up on DZER's Guam Pics.

• I am now presenting, on the right-hand rail of my blog, a gallery of DZER mugs. Scroll on down. Tell me which one you like best and why ... and win a FABULOUS prize!

• Links over to the right are updated. It's a MANdated change — yes, I do read men's blogs, despite the often-heard snarky comments about my "Dzerettes." Anyway, I've fixed the link to Hick's blog. I know you're Mike now, Mike, but you will always be Hick to me. Two new additions to the highly influential "Blogs I Read ..." list: a man called Horsn and Castufari. Horsn's got mad graphics skills, as he showed by putting murph's name onto Everything Nice's tits. Dude ... if you can put ME on her chest, I'd be eternally grateful.

ON WITH THE BLOGGING!!!

Can you believe, after all of that, I still have shit to say? I'm very vociferously and vibrantly verbose, vermin! Oh yeah ... I did it ... and with V's too baby. Deal with it!

It's fucking Thanksgiving next week. In fact, it's just five days away for me. Six for you suckers, but that's just because you're living behind the time, bitches!!

Hmm ... I will pause now to apologize for my blatantly belligerent and bellicose berating, blog-onauts. I just realized I called you "vermin," "suckers" and "bitches" in the span of two very short paragraphs! LOL ... I'm sure some of the chicks out there are probably turned on with my mean and uncaring Dom talk, but for the sake of Kathi and other delicate and fragile blossoms of womanhood, I will restrain my baser instincts.

(Those of you who don't want me to restrain my instincts, but would rather have me restrain you, and then perform deliriously decadedent and deeply debasing acts upon your quivering, aching bodies, e-mail me immediately!!)

By the way, I hereby stake claim to the term BLOG-ONAUTS. I claim it for the honor and glory that is DZERLAND! If anyone has used it before me, tough shit! It's mine!

OK ... back to Thanksgiving.

It's next week! Yay!!

It's my most favoritist holiday, right after Christmas. I can't get enough turkey, giblet gravy, mashed taters, stuffing/dressing (yes, I know the difference — do you?) and pumpkin pie. Seriously. I wish I could eat that meal at LEAST once a week. It's one of my all-time favorite meals. I will try to have several Thanksgiving meals.

I will eat at the office — the paper is great about taking care of employees who work the holiday. One of the island's top catering companies will be paid to provide turkey, ham, mashed taters, stuffing, gravy and pies for those working Thursday. So I will eat there. If there are leftovers, I will sneak some home.

Then I will be eating at my the Thanksgiving feast of my pare' and muli. Those are Chamorro words for the father and mother of my godchildren. Ri can cook her ass off. Again, there will be turkey, ham, taters, stuffing, etc. I will definitely be taking food home from this one too, so I can have leftovers on Friday.

By the way, just a few words on stuffing/dressing:

• There should never be any raisins in it. Seriously.

• There should never be oysters in it. Seriously.

It should basically be stale bread, diced, onions, celery, giblets, black olives, and seasonings. No crazy ingredients. No apples. No sausage. No broccoli. No nuts. No cranberries. Simple and basic are key. Fuck all that fancying up of stuffing/dressing.

More on Thanksgiving in the week to come. Keep an eye out for:

• The Thanksgiving That Almost Wasn't.

• Typhoons, Thanksgiving and Swarming Bees.

• DZER's Childhood Thanksgivings on Guam: Fiesta Plus Haole Holiday Feast!

Keep an eye out for this holiday blogramming (YES, BITCHES!! ANOTHER COINED TERM!!) and more, right here on DZER's Diatribe!! Wow. I linked to myself on my own blog. That is just sad. But fuck it. LOL

POP QUIZ!
If you can remember, without scrolling back up how many:
• Bloggers I linked to in this post
• Authored Amped and Amazing Awesome Alliterations
You win a FABULOUS PRIZE!!

That's right, fuckers! (Excuse the channeling of Stiffler yet again) TWO FABULOUS PRIZES offered in ONE blog!!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam was formed millions of years ago when a pair of volcanoes sank beneath the ocean, leaving only their peaks above water.

DZER the local celebrity ... and HNT

OK, to get it over with, let me start out with this Thursday's installment of Half-Nekkid Thursday from Guam:

DZER THE MAD HATTER!!

I sooooo almost posted an ass shot ... but then I figured I didn't need to cause any projectile vomiting and/or massive queasiness attacks across the world of the Internet, so no butt shots for you folks. (pause for applause, congratulations, sending of fruit baskets). So, all of you really lucked out this week. Now, I can't promise you that I won't eventually feel mean and sick enough to actually post my ass, so you'd better watch out! LOL

I'm a big fan of hats. I like wearing them. I wish I could wear them more often. In fact, I wish I was living in the 1930s and 1940s, when pretty much all men wore hats, when it was a part of the usual fashion day.

Back then, a hatless man was almost never a businessman. If you had to wear a suit to work, you wore a hat. Suits were coat, slacks, tie, jacket and hat.

I really don't know why hats fell so out of favor and out of fashion with men in the United States. Sure, working cowboys still wear hats. Some people who work out in the field; construction workers too. Some golf pros. But really, who wears hats to work?

Some guys wear baseball caps, usually with their favorite MLB, NFL, NBA or college team logos on them. That's really about it these days. Those are the only hats you see out with any frequency. I have a few ballcaps. I have a couple of light straw hats that I use when I play golf — they provide the best shade. And when you keep your head shaved, it's important to protect the skin on the skull; it is one of the WORST places to get sunburned. Trust me on this one LOL

The hat show here is one of my faves, mostly because it can be worn in several different ways. Down low on the forehead, brim flipped up, or with front of brim flipped down. High and back on the head, brim flipped up. Slightly tilted on the head, cocked sideways. Pulled down almost over my eyes. I wore it to a card game earlier this week — it's not a lucky hat, at least not so far. LOL

CELEB-DZERALITY
As some of you know, I'm something of a local celebrity here on my island. Now I'm not so full of myself that I think I'm an A-List kind of celebrity; I'm just a very well-known face/personality.

It all comes from my writing. People still recognize me from years back when I was in Sports and did this local feature called Pigskin Progs, which has like 8 people making football picks every week. I haven't been in it regularly in a LONG time but people still come up to me and say, "Hey, you're that Pigskin Prog, right?"

I also have a bit of notoriety from DVD and movie reviews that I've written. When I do them, depending on the topic, I get e-mail from all over. I slammed Keanu Reeves once and had his fans from the U.S., Europe and Brazil writing me to tell me how off-base I was LOL. An anime review I did, and one on Alan Rickman films, are still up on Web sites from around the world. Type in my name and "anime," or my name and "alan+rickman" and you'll see.

A column I wrote about how movies almost always make comic books suck was a very popular one with people. In fact, I even appeared on an Australian radio show (via phone in) to discuss my views on the subject. Neat, huh? LOL

I'm more well known for a couple of other regular features that I write. The first is the Jingle George holiday stuff. I've been doing that for years and years now, and during the holiday season it's a weekly feature for like 6-8 weeks, depending. In fact, I started last week. You can read it HERE.

The next installment is this Saturday. I still don't have a clear idea what I'm going to write about, but part of it will involve the fact that 95 percent of my Christmas cards are written, addressed, stamped and ready to be mailed in the morning. Heh.

I also might use it to talk about specialty wraps that I use. I like to use special and cool boxes as wrapping elements. I keep my eye out for them throughout the year and pick them up as things go along. When Christmas comes around, I snap them up as quickly as possible, even if I know I won't use them for the current Christmas. Why? Well, because there's always NEXT Christmas.

So, thanks to my celebrity as Jingle George, I do more than just write articles. I also make public appearances. I pretend to hate them, but being the ham that I am, I actually love them. LOL ... one of the ones I've done for a couple years in a row is the unveiling of a Christmas train scene at a local hotel. Tourists love to get their picture taken with me, even though they don't know who I am, because I am white, in a Santa hat, and big and ROUND. LOL

The other thing for which I'm very well known — actually, it's the thing that really made me "famous" here — is for a series of columns I wrote about quitting smoking, called Quest to Quit. I got so much support and recognition from the community; it was — and is — totally amazing. The day after I write a column (they're more spread out now, but I still do them) I get a LOT of people coming up to me to say "good job," "keep it up," or something similar.

Earlier today, I was one of three people interviewed by a video production company. The local government is putting together a training video and wanted people from the community who have quit smoking to be in it. So I was interviewed about why I quit smoking, how I did it. etc. The next time they take put together training pamphlets, they want to use me as one of the featured "models."

OK ... enough bragging for today.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• In 1668, Pale' San Vitores, the first missionary to Guam, renamed the island chain to "Las Marianas," after Mariana of Austria, widow of Spain's Philip IV.