we hold these truths to be self-evident ...

• Turkey stuffing should never, EVER have raisins in it.

• Every movie ever made featuring Richard Grieco has sucked major donkey balls.

• Curly was the funniest Stooge.

• There's not much better than when a sexy, sensual woman moans your name softly.

• Football is America's game.

• Steak is best when it's cooked medium-rare.

• The only thing that is more refreshing after an afternoon of sweaty activity than a very cold beer ... except maybe a long drink of cool, gushing water straight from the hose.

• The remote control is one of the greatest inventions ... ever.

• Cold fried chicken left over in the refrigerator tastes better than fried chicken served up hot.

• No woman has maintained her beauty throughout her life quite like Lauren Bacall.

• Women break more hearts than men.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

OK, I've been reading a lot of "guys are fucked up" posts on several different blogs, and the comment sections of said blogs, over the last several days. And while I empathize with those who have been fucked over, here are some things that I've notices and/or experienced.

• Girls don't go for nice guys. It doesn't matter how often I hear women say "I just want a nice guy," they never actually follow through with this, even when they have the opportunity. Why? Bad guys are more exciting. They offer thrills and passion. They also offer heartache, but no woman ever wants to admit that, even if she knows it.

• When women ask for advice about a guy, all they really want is to hear you say what they want to hear. I've had women ask me what I thought about a guy they were seeing, or whether they should get more serious about a guy. And I gave them honest, straightforward advice; my read on the guy(s). And these haven't necessarily been women I was interested in; most were just my friends. Other friends, males and females, gave the same or similar advice, usually along the lines of "he's an asshole" or "he will hurt you," etc. And yet they ignored all that advice.

Hell, one guy told the woman she was a "monster" because she was might have been pregnant and wasn't sure what she was going to do about it. He belitted her, berated her — all around verbal abuse. They're now married and guess what — she's not totally happy. Duh.

So yes, there lots of asshole men out there. But there also are a lot of women who ignore that fact until too late.

Look into my eyes ...

You are getting sleepy. Your eyelids are getting very, very, very heavy. You are so very tired. You can't keep your eyes open any longer.

Sleep ... sleep ... SLEEP!

You are now under my complete power. And this makes you feel warm inside, comforted and whole.

You can't imagine disappointing me. There is nothing that you would not do for me, your lord and master.

Now ... get naked and clean the fucking apartment.