Sunday, February 19, 2006

DZER's chick posse ...

OK. I get it. Chicks can be badasses. Chicks can be viable parts of a posse. Chicks are valued and important members of society and should be integrated into all aspects of life, including imaginary posses made up of movie characters.

So instead of substituting out any of my perfect all-male posse, I present DZER’s posse of chicks:

• The perfect assassin: Nikita (Anne Parillaud) from “Nikita,” aka “La Femme Nikita.” Former junkie and criminal who was reformed by the secret do-bad-things section of the French government. As noted with Leon from my previous list, I am putting aside my hatred for all peoples French because Nikita is that much of a value, as she’s able to mix in with the normal folks while performing missions.

• The tough-as-nails cop who can handle anything: Melanie Ballard (Natasha Henstridge) from “Ghosts of Mars.” She looks hot in a futuristic cops outfit, is smart, tough and good with her guns, as well as her fists. Plus, she’s down wit Ice Cube. She’s a natural leader and sassy to boot.

• The mutant-hybrid freak of nature: The Ellen Ripley clone (Sigourney Weaver) from “Alien: Resurrection.” That’s right. Not the original Ripley, not the Ripley in the exoskeleton robot thing. The clone of her, 200 years after she died, who is part-Alien and this a major badass in all kinds of ways — super-fast, super-strong, super-resilient. She can dunk, she’s a brawler non-pareil, plus she gets along well with androids.

• The badass blonde bombshell bimbo: Barbara “Barb Wire” Kopetski (as Pamela Anderson Lee) from “Barb Wire.” OK. I have no real excuse for this one, except that the whole movie is Pam Anderson in black leather/pleather with her cleavage on display for the world, plus she’s double-fisted with the .45s. Oh, and let’s not forget the MAJORLY cool tattoo of barbed wire around her arm! LOL It helps that she can ride a motorcycle and has no trouble stripping down in water to get the job done. Heh.

• The woman who seems vulnerable and frail but turns out to be deadly as all hell: Alice (Milla Jovovich) from “Resident Evil.” If you need a woman to take on a zombie-fied workforce within the confines of an underground city, you can’t do better than Alice. She’s as tough as nails. She’s a expert in hand-to-hand combat. She knows how to use a weapon. And she gets even better and stronger as time goes on. She rocks!

• The deadly neophyte (girl, you'll be a woman soon): River (Summer Glau) from “Serenity.” If you need a tiny weapon of terror, it would be hard to beat River. She’s been genetically enhanced by the government to be a major badass. She’s a living, moving weapon, deadly with her hands and her feet. As long as no one leaks the secret whispering word of slumber, all is good.

• The old-school muscular but sexy mom: Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) from “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” Sarah Connor started out as the cute, soft and tragic victim in “Terminator.” The second time around, though, she’s ready to wage battle against the machines. She’s rock hard, sexily muscular and an expert with all kinds of weapons. Oh, and she drives like a controlled maniac.

• The small, Asian martial arts masters ... ummm ... mistresses (madames?): Mei (Ziyi Zhang) from “House of Flying Daggers” and “Yu Shu Lien (Michelle Yeoh) from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” OK, I picked these chicks for pretty much the same reason — they’re Chinese martial arts masters. They know kung fu, and know it well — well enough to dance on the top of bamboo and fly through the air with the greatest of ease. They can use everything from staves to swords and then some.

• The kick-ass character from a bad movie: Elektra (Jennifer Garner) from “Elektra.” Yes, this movie sucked major green donkey balls. I haven’t even SEEN it and I know it sucks big time. But the character of Elektra is awesome and amazing. Based on the Marvel Comics character, she is basically an amped-up female version of a ninja. You don’t want to mess around with this sai mistress.

• Queen of black leather and sunglasses (who is "the one"): Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) from “The Matrix.” It’s hard to think of any other female character in Science Fiction movie history who is as bad of a badass as Trinity. She can beat up a plethora of cops with her bare hands and feet, or she can shoot ‘em up with the best of them. No female rocks the black trench coat and shades like Trinity.

• The not human death dealer: Selene (Kate Beckinsale) from “Underworld.” Other woman who looks amazing in black leather. But it’s her cold-blooded fighting skills that put her on this list. Get it? She’s a vampire, so she’s cold blooded because her heart doesn’t beat. Ummm … yeah … heh. Another chick who’s good with a gun in her hands, and who can break you with her bare hands.

• The lanky, lovely but lethal lady: The Bride (Uma Thurman) from “Kill Bill: Vol. 1” and “Kill Bill: Vol. 2.” Duh. Has any female character ever killed more people in one movie? I mean, other than Jennifer Lopez “Gigli?” Heh … I keeeeeeeel me. If you want a chick with a sword, it doesn’t get any better than The Bride. She rocks the samurai steel. Oh, and the five-step thing? Way cool!


Snow White said...

I give up! I guess I'm just not an action movie kinda girl. I think the only one of these I've seen is "Elektra"... yeah, I know, but my dad rented it and we watched it last summer. Maybe that's the solution... another movieathon with my dad. I doubt it would be as much fun as movies with Dzer, but it'd get the job done! But like I taught my child from a young age, "You know what Mick Jagger says... "You can't always get what you want..."

Suze said...

I'm sorry Dzer I just couldn't view this list from the same angle as you.

Instead I found myself going off in to a bit of a dream. Wondering which one I would like to have girl on girl action with.

Well, first I think it would have to be Jennifer Garner, then Kate Bekinsale, then Milla Jovovich. As for the others I would just have to see how much energy I had left.

Did I stray from the subject? LOL.

DZER said...

snow white: that was the ONLY one of those you'd seen? wow ... hmm ...

start with "La Femme Nikita." Then "The Matrix" trilogy. After than ... the "Kill Bill" movies (there are two). Then ... geeze .. Alien (there are 4) and Terminator (3) ... you have a LOT of home work to do! LOL

suze: you strayed, but strayed in the best way ... heh ... and I would have bet money you would have went with natasha or kate first!

Madame X said...

Now THAT'S a kick ass posse!

They could do some serious damage, good choices.

DZER said...

madame x: thanks, darlin' ... and none of them are pms'ing either! LOL


SignGurl said...

Much better Oh Mighty DZER!

I loved Underworld simply for the fact that Kate Beckinsale was incredible.

I think that one or two of your posse must have had PMS to kick ass the way they did. Never dismiss a woman with cramps and the urge to kill.

DZER said...

jenn: just remember it was you and Madame X who brought up the pms stuff ... not me!


Cowboy Blob said...

I'd add Carrie Fisher as the mobster's daughter in "The Blues Brothers." She couldn't hit squat with an M-16, but she was a doll to look at.

DZER said...

cowboy blob: not a bad choice at all; there were a lot of ladies that didn't quite make the cut ... like the mom from "The Grifters." welcome to the Diatribe!

da buttah said...

awesome list! if all else fails, put pamela anderson on the front line...her giant fake boobs would make an awesome sheild to anything flying the posse's way

DZER said...

buttah: glad you liked ... and hey! don't go sacrificing the superior eye candy right off the bat! LOL

Alex said...

I just figured it out, we were separated at birth. You even picked the right Ripley!

Shay said...

Oooh! excellent list!
Except you left me out! ^_^