Thursday, March 16, 2006

tag ... i'm not it ...

OK, here's the scenario:

I've just stepped in the elevator and pressed the button to go to my floor.

"Hold the elevator please," I hear from outside.

I reach out and hit the "open doors" button to keep them open.

Thank God I did.

Into the elevator step two very beautiful women.

One is half Filipina, half Caucasian. She's about 5'6" and slender, but not super skinny. She's svelte. Medium-sized breasts, showing of some cleavage in her spaghetti-strap top. Medium-length hair, sexy earrings.

The other is a Chamorrita. She's about 5'7" and very curvy. Super hot, super curves, super gorgeous. She's in a mini skirt that flaunts her legs and a tight little top that accentuates her bountiful chest. Long black hair and a graceful neck. She gives me a smile as she turns and presses a button to her floor.

The first girl doesn't.

The elevator goes up. My floor is first. I glance at both women before getting off. They are staring at the buttons on the wall on either side of me. That's it.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Oh ... I forgot to mention. I was wearing TAG body spray.

You've seen the commercials, haven't you?

Average-looking guy sprays on the stuff. Gets in an elevator. Two hot women get on. They smell what he's wearing. The door closes. The door opens. He's disheveled with a goofy smile on his face. The women look like the cats who ate the canary.

Or the boyfriend comes to pick up girlfriend and is greeted at the door by her (very hot) mom. She smells it. Leans in close to him. Tells him to call her by her first name. The top button on her blouse pops off. "Oops," she says.

Cut to the "warning screen."

Yeah.

Shit doesn't work.

What the hell? I buy this stuff exclusively for the reason of hot women smelling it on me and attacking me in a sexual manner. I want a hot professional female wrestler to fly off the top rope just to jump on me. I want hot chicks in the supermarket to tray to tackle me because I smell so damn good.

Tag, and Axe, for that matter, had me thinking there were some kind of pheremones in the spray.

If only it were that easy, huh?

Oh well ... back to reading Cosmo to pick up on the predatory thought patterns of the opposite sex.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam's area code is (671). We weren't a part of the North American Numbering Plan until the Telecommunications Act of 1995, which finally made long-distance calling affordable. Before that, calling long-distance to or from Guam was like calling a phone sex line — $2.99 for the first minute, $1 a minute after that.

18 comments:

Natalia said...

First comment!!! *Snoopdance*

You don't need TAG darling...you have enough charm :)

-N

DZER said...

nice snoopyin' ... heh

and then how come women never seem to be after my lucky charms? LOL

thanks, nat :)

Mike said...

My kid uses that stuff...it's enough to gag me when he gets out of the bathroom...and not in the usual sense when you think of that scenario.

DZER said...

mike: well, it is supposed to be appealing to the ladies ... so if you were loving it, that might raise questions ... and eyebrows ... and family services inquiries ... LOL

zaadam said...

maybe they have gotten used to it because many men are using them these days:)

Suze said...

Dzer, you crack me up. You have to leave your flies undone to get the girls attention. You certainly would have them all over you then. ;) That spray stuff doesn't work. LOL.

Chrissie said...

Gee... AJ uses it for the same reason!(Axe not Tag) My god sometimes I'd swear he was dripping in it!...

Hopefully it isnt workin for him either :)

kathi said...

Maybe they had something up their noses and couldn't smell...I mean they there must've been something wrong with them anyway...they had you captive and didn't make a move. Idiots.

terry said...

clearly, they were idiots. jeez.

idobcool said...

Well, next time you're on the elevator with those chicks just spray that crap in their eyes, club them over the head and bring them back to your place. That usually works for me! HA

SignGurl said...

They make something for women too. It's called soap. I swear some men will get turned on by anything.

Maybe the girls were waiting for YOU to make the move.

Hubris said...

Damn, what s a brotha got ta do to get a little play up in this bitch?

Lindsey said...

Maybe you were just wearing the wrong one.? Aren't there different scents?

Oh So Wonderful said...

I say there's a sucker born every minute! I kid! I kid!

Ahh, it's great to be back. Ha, try NOT showering for three days - that'll get a response. And I agree with leaving your fly open!

DZER said...

zaadam: that could be it!

suze: is that the trick that works? hmmm ... I need to get you in an elevator ;)

chrissie: I don't put on an excessive amount! LOL just a hit in the four main stinky spots — armpit, armpit, crotch and ass .. LOL ... and I hope it's not working for him too, for your sake ;)

kathi: maybe they had allergies ... or were congested ... yeah ... LOL

terry: hmm ... that could be it too ;)

idobcool: hey do you use mace/pepper spray as your deodorant? LOL

jenn: what? according to the commercials, no first move is required! Heh.

hedonist: word, broham! LOL

linny: hmm ... so out of the four kinds, I picked the dud? the spray that doesn't turn on the ladies? what kind of rotten luck is that?! LOL

oh so wonderful: there you are!! *deska your ear* ... heh ... so you like a guy to be stank and musky? LOL ... and I'll think about the fly thing ;)

Snow White said...

Hmmm... I'm thinking maybe the "hot" girls were "together." That would explain it ALL! They weren't panting after the DZER because they were hot for each other. Yeah! That must be it! I mean, I spotted your charms from half way around the globe!

DZER said...

snow white: hmmm ... that could be one possible explanation ... but wouldn't they have wanted to two-fer-one me? LOL ... and I knew someone was charms peekin'!!!

Shay said...

*stalks prey*
I dunno what's wrong with them Dzer, I love the smell of Tag and Axe.