DZER: A large white mammal indigenous to Guam, a small island in the Western Pacific Ocean (13°28' north latitude and 144°45' east longitude).
STATUS: Critically endangered. Terminally single.
DESCRIPTION: Pale-white skin, with what is known as a golfer's or farmer's tan -- arms, neck and head a darker tone. Hair is brown, but kept shaved. Eyes are a piercing steel-blue.
DISTINCTIVE MARKINGS: The DZER has a prominent scar just above his left eye, toward the outer part of his forehead. It's believed to have come from primitive fighting activity from his juvenile years. The DZER currently has four tattoos —- a tribal gecko in the middle of his upper back, a Punisher skull on his left upper arm, a kokopelli on his right upper arm, and a Sirena (Merminx), also on his right upper arm.
HABITAT: The DZER can often be found in his natural office environment. When not there, he can either be found in his ramshackle, unkempt two-bedroom apartment (usually in front of the computer, in the kitchen fixing gruby, or on his bed watching television), on any one of a number of golf courses, on in a room at someone's house or office playing poker. He prefers tropcial heat to any kind of cold ... although he likes it cold when he sleeps (hibernates).
MATING HABITS: None observed in recent history. Past noted instances, laughable at best. The lack of mating activity hints strongly at the extinction of his line.
SOCIAL AND FAMILY STRUCTURE: The DZER is something of a loner. He does have four siblings -- two brothers and two sisters -- though he maintains no regular contact with them. He retains a strong relationship with his maternal unit. The DZER maintains few close contacts with others.
DIMENSIONS: The DZER is an extremely large specimen. He stands about 6'5" tall. His weight, though great, is thus far unknown. The DZER has lost a part of his bulk in the recent past. Scientists peg this phenomenon to a change in the DZER's diet. The DZER is an omnivore with strong carnivorous tendencies. However, recent study has shown a shift in consumables of late; there is much more fruit and vegetables being eaten, and fewer greasy burgers, although he still indulges in them now and again.
INTELLIGENCE: The DZER is an extremely intelligent animal. In fact, obervers have noted a genius-level IQ. But despite this native brilliance, the DZER often exhibits behavior that belies his inordinate intelligence, particularly with members of the opposite sex.
EDUCATION: The DZER has a B.A. in Communications with a Mass Media specialization. He graduated cum laude from the University of Guam, though he attended the University of Nebraska-Lincoln for a year.
PROFESSION: Writer. Editor. Journalist.
RELIGION: The DZER was raised Roman Catholic, but is no longer practicing any particular faith, organized or otherwise.
TEMPERMENT: Mellow with humorous and gregarious tendencies. Warning: Do not anger the DZER, as he has been noted to lose his temper at times and when it happens, it is of near-volcanic magnitude. Eruptions of this like are extremely rare, however, and haven't been noted in the recent past.
• The DZER is literate and reads voraciously.
• The DZER games online on occasion.
• The DZER writes poetry and erotic short stories.
• The DZER enjoys documenting his life and his island in photography.
• The DZER is known for his enjoyment of hearing, reading, making and dissemination of puns.
• The DZER has a strong affinity for exotic dancers, though no longer to obsessive degrees.
• The DZER is regularly broke off his ass ... well, not as badly as he was before, but he ain't rich!
• The DZER enjoys fine meals. He is partial to steak, and other forms of beef, though he also enjoys a number of different cuisines and dishes.
• The DZER is an ex-smoker. He hates that fact and wishes, quite often, that he still was a full-time, professional smoker.
• The DZER often writes in the third-person, despite the fact that he knows it irritates others to no end.
• The DZER is a pre-eminent giver and wrapper of gifts and presents. His skills in this area are beyond compare, as you know if you've ever received one from him.