Tuesday, May 23, 2006

DZERpedia ... a collection of facts and information about everyone's favorite DZER

DZER: A large white mammal indigenous to Guam, a small island in the Western Pacific Ocean (13°28' north latitude and 144°45' east longitude).

STATUS: Critically endangered. Terminally single.

DESCRIPTION: Pale-white skin, with what is known as a golfer's or farmer's tan -- arms, neck and head a darker tone. Hair is brown, but kept shaved. Eyes are a piercing steel-blue.

DISTINCTIVE MARKINGS: The DZER has a prominent scar just above his left eye, toward the outer part of his forehead. It's believed to have come from primitive fighting activity from his juvenile years. The DZER currently has four tattoos —- a tribal gecko in the middle of his upper back, a Punisher skull on his left upper arm, a kokopelli on his right upper arm, and a Sirena (Merminx), also on his right upper arm.

HABITAT: The DZER can often be found in his natural office environment. When not there, he can either be found in his ramshackle, unkempt two-bedroom apartment (usually in front of the computer, in the kitchen fixing gruby, or on his bed watching television), on any one of a number of golf courses, on in a room at someone's house or office playing poker. He prefers tropcial heat to any kind of cold ... although he likes it cold when he sleeps (hibernates).

MATING HABITS: None observed in recent history. Past noted instances, laughable at best. The lack of mating activity hints strongly at the extinction of his line.

SOCIAL AND FAMILY STRUCTURE: The DZER is something of a loner. He does have four siblings -- two brothers and two sisters -- though he maintains no regular contact with them. He retains a strong relationship with his maternal unit. The DZER maintains few close contacts with others.

DIMENSIONS: The DZER is an extremely large specimen. He stands about 6'5" tall. His weight, though great, is thus far unknown. The DZER has lost a part of his bulk in the recent past. Scientists peg this phenomenon to a change in the DZER's diet. The DZER is an omnivore with strong carnivorous tendencies. However, recent study has shown a shift in consumables of late; there is much more fruit and vegetables being eaten, and fewer greasy burgers, although he still indulges in them now and again.

INTELLIGENCE: The DZER is an extremely intelligent animal. In fact, obervers have noted a genius-level IQ. But despite this native brilliance, the DZER often exhibits behavior that belies his inordinate intelligence, particularly with members of the opposite sex.

EDUCATION: The DZER has a B.A. in Communications with a Mass Media specialization. He graduated cum laude from the University of Guam, though he attended the University of Nebraska-Lincoln for a year.

PROFESSION: Writer. Editor. Journalist.

RELIGION: The DZER was raised Roman Catholic, but is no longer practicing any particular faith, organized or otherwise.

TEMPERMENT: Mellow with humorous and gregarious tendencies. Warning: Do not anger the DZER, as he has been noted to lose his temper at times and when it happens, it is of near-volcanic magnitude. Eruptions of this like are extremely rare, however, and haven't been noted in the recent past.


The DZER is literate and reads voraciously.

The DZER games online on occasion.

The DZER writes poetry and erotic short stories.

• The DZER enjoys documenting his life and his island in photography.

• The DZER is known for his enjoyment of hearing, reading, making and dissemination of puns.

The DZER has a strong affinity for exotic dancers, though no longer to obsessive degrees.

• The DZER is regularly broke off his ass ... well, not as badly as he was before, but he ain't rich!

The DZER enjoys fine meals. He is partial to steak, and other forms of beef, though he also enjoys a number of different cuisines and dishes.

The DZER is an ex-smoker. He hates that fact and wishes, quite often, that he still was a full-time, professional smoker.

The DZER often writes in the third-person, despite the fact that he knows it irritates others to no end.

The DZER is a pre-eminent giver and wrapper of gifts and presents. His skills in this area are beyond compare, as you know if you've ever received one from him.


Tess said...

Nice to have encyclopedic knowledge of the Dzer.

Will there be a pop quiz?

Everything Nice said...

Okay, this was hilarious and quite informational actually...

Can I try this too?

kathi said...

This was a fun read! I'd like to try it but I'm afraid there are actually things too boring for even blogger to publish.

Vixxxen said...

I think everyone should get some binoculars and safari hats and go on an expedition of Dzer watching. ^^

I loved the write up very interesting indeed. :)


DZER said...

tess: of course! you never know when I will spring it on ya ;)

EN: glad you liked it ... and feel free to steal ... maybe it will become one of those meme things and I will become blogger famous! LOL

kathi: thanks, darlin' ... and why not give it a shot and see if blogger can handle it?

vixxxen: just remember ... DZER hunting is catch and release only!

terry said...

terry loves it when the dzer writes about himself in the third person.

and terry snorted when she saw the picture of the dzer in his natural habitat.

terry likes this post.

SignGurl said...

whoa! Your pants are huge (and maybe what's in the pants too. Ok, that was a bit over the line, sorry)!

Madame X said...

Did anyone else hear Marlin Perkins' voice read this?

Natalia said...

I so love that you are a writer. It makes me happy to read your blog. You are a master of the wording, Oh Almighty Dzer.



Suze said...

Dzer, you forgot to mention the pro poker player. You also appear to be half the man you once were looking at those pants. ;)

Snow White said...

Snow likes this DZER,
He sounds like great fun,
She is now left to wonder
Where she can get one!

ArtfulDodger said...

Dodger thinks that during the last few weeks Dodger has learned many interesting facts about Dzer, the most important of which are the following: The Dzer is an upstanding and honorable man, the Dzer has a big heart, and the Dzer needs a woman who appreciates these things about the Dzer.

Dodger will continue to wish this for his faraway friend. Dodger will not stop.

JMai said...

Good gift-giving is a highly desirable skill, and when you add proficiency in wrapping on top of it? Brilliant!

Grace said...

hehe, gotta love the pic of you camouflaging behind that plant :D

DZER said...

terry: DZER likes that terry think's DZER third-person talk is OK ... and is glad you enjoyed the post :)

signgurl: those pants fit me a year and change ago ... snugly!

madame x: no, just you ... remember how he always stayed near the Range Rover ... "Jim is now going to tickle the ass of this rabid hyena while I sit back and sip some coffee."

natalia: coming from you, that's a very fine compliment indeed. *smooch*

suze: I think I mentioned poker somewhere ;) ... and not quite half the man, but smaller of a man :)

snow white: still got the rhyming bug, darlin'? LOL ... and they're only available on Guam ;)

dodger: aww ... don't be gettin' all sweet and mushy on me or I'll start bawlin' here ... LOL

jmai: isn't it just? and I need to put up a separate blog sometime with just pictures of gifts I've wrapped ... LOL

grace: I blend right in with the environment, don't I? LOL

Spirit said...

dzer...I linked you to my site ...hope thats okay ...

My daughter(17) is a Photoshop wizard ....pisses me off ...I have it ...can't use it ....lol.