Monday, May 22, 2006

mixed mishmash of miscellaneous mundanity ...

• There's been something I've been thinking about doing for some time now, that I've been wanting to do and, at the same time, been scared of doing. It's been keeping my brain embroiled in a conflicting conundrum of constant confusion. Should I? Perhaps I shouldn't? It has the potential to mean a big change for me. It could cause a total upheaval in my boring, uneventful life of not-so-quiet desperation. In two different ways, depending on how things turn out.

I've been simultaneously reticent and excited by the prospect. So I took some steps, but didn't follow through fully. Only two people know about this so far -- unless they've shared it with others.

But enough's enough. The more I think about it, the more I feel -- I know -- that I have to do this. If I don't do it now, I'll probably never do it. It's time to get off the fence.

So tomorrow, I'm going to follow through. I'm going to do it. And then, I'll just have to wait and see what happens, if anything happens. It either will or it won't.

The hard part will be telling the person I need to tell once I've done it, because that person will find out about it, one way or the other, eventually. And, though it will probably result in some yelling, perhaps even a sense of betrayal, I have to tell that person, face to face. I have to be the one to break the news.


• The more things stay the same, the more they change. Ain't that a bitch?

• I don't know exactly when it happened, but I'm becoming an increasingly bitter, jaded person with less and less hope regarding life in general. Even after looking back, I don't think I could pinpoint any one incident that triggered it; I suppose it's a slow culmination of a number of factors, a slew of small incidents, both isolated and connected, that snowballed, inconspicuously, over time. I'm becoming more antisocial, politing declining invitations -- the insignificant few that come my way (the more I decline, the less I'm asked, I suppose) -- or making excuses not to hang out with people I know in social settings. I'm turning myself into more and more of an iconclast.

Not that's it's been on purpose. Much of it has been in reaction to changes in others, in how they live their lives, in how time changes things and people. These people get married, or a similar type of relationship. They have children and grow their families. They make other friends, people who have more in common with them at these new stages of their lives. They move, and neither you nor they really put in the effort to stay in touch. Or, you do ... you try and they try, but eventually the distance and all the other new things in their lives, or yours, take their toll and you stop trying as hard. And then you just stop trying.

Part of the bitterness and jadedness comes from me feeling that I always had to be the one who tried; that I was incidental unless I was the action-taker. More and more, as time passed, I didn't usually do things with people unless I was the one who set it up, if I was the one who made a suggestion or made the first phone call. What would happen, I wondered, if I wasn't the one doing all of that. I quickly found the answer to that.

So, with some people, I stopped trying almost entirely. I would give back, tit for tat, what they gave of themselves. The less they gave, the less I did. The more a person would give, the more I gave back.

I ended up with a lot of acquaintances and just a few friends, and hardly any of those did I hold in close confidence.

And, again, time played its cruel march. Those that I was closest to moved far, far away. Or did the family thing. I like to think I tried my best, but I'm guessing I really didn't. It's easier not to do than it is to do.

Another factor is the continuing decline in my faith in humanity. Fewer people exhibit manners and common courtesy. It's easier to walk by someone opening the door for you than it is to say thank you. It's easier to just enter a building than to hold the door. Have you noticed how much more common it is for people not to say "please" and "thank you" to others, especially to waiters, gas station attendants, grocery baggers, cashiers, etc.? The last time you sneezed in public, how many people said "Gesundheit" or "bless you?"

I still try there. I try to be gracious. I try to be conscientous about holding open doors, and thanking people, and saying please, and addressing older people and strangers by the honorifics of "sir" and "ma'am" or "miss" or something along those lines. I try to be deferential, to help out a woman struggling with a package at the post office, or with grocery bags in the supermarket parking lot. I hold the elevator, let people with a few items paying cash get in front of me in the line at the store. I offer my assistance to those trying to change a tire by themselves, or if they need a jumpstart.

I guess that, for me, it's easier to exhibit some degree of kindness and humanity to strangers than it is to make new friendships and sustain them.

Maybe that's why online "life" is so easy. You can be friendly and amiable with anyone and everyone. You can be polite and nice. You can interact agreeable, poke fun at/with, tease and enliven these people you know but don't really know, who know you but don't really know you. You can be friends with people who don't even know your real name and have never met you, and they can be friends with you without you knowing their name, where they live, what they do for a living.

And when, for whatever reason, they are suddenly gone, or you are, there is concern, worry, or just wondering ... but after a while, you stop. Because it's so easy. Or your interaction slows, changes, evolves and, after a while, it's OK. Because it's so easy.

Isn't it?

• Wow. That was a ramble of incoherency and uselessness, wasn't it? On to the fun stuff!!

• The Artful Dodger called on BlogStormz! participants to submit stories in honor of May being Masturbation Month. So I threw a little something together over at DZEROTICA. So, if you have a few spare minutes, check out self service.

• That's right folks ... there's a resurgence in DZERette membership. For the second time in just the last few days, I am proud to announce another new DZERette. Everyone join in welcoming Vixxxen to the ranks. Who wants to be first to give Vixxxen her introductory spankings? Heh.

If you want to become a DZERette -- hmm, should I create a button for guys to become DZERdudes? LOL -- click on the button up near the top of the sidebar. Everything explained there!

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• This is a photo of Guam's memorial to the 15 law enforcement officers who died while in the line of duty. Big props to the police officers, and others in law enforcement, who put themselves on the line for us every day.


Suze said...

Dzer, my word that was a soul searching post. You got me intrigued with the thing you've got to do. Will we be hearing about that tomorrow?

As for manners and common courtesy, they are dieing out over here. I don't know if it's because parents just don't pass those social skills on anymore or if people can't be bothered. It's sad really.

Look at you, you've got me all thoughtful now. :)

Grace said...

That was a beautiful post.
I've actually been feeling that way recently as well. I hate being the one who cares to keep in touch, so I've been backing out of doing it. I now know a shit-load of people, but barely any that I would call an actual friend. So, you're not alone... keep your chin up :)

terry said...

i look forward to hearing how the follow-through goes.

sometimes, that kind of change is just the thing you need to feel a little less cynical about life.
does that even make sense?

i so know what you mean, about the friends stuff. i hate being the one to do all the planning/work... and in some of my friendships, i am. but not all of them -- i'm so lucky that way.
and when people say no a lot, i DO tend to stop asking. in fact, the last guy i dated sorta seriously got all annoyed because i was "always" inviting him to do things. huh??

so move to norcal (or central cal, where YFP is) and come see some theatre with me! ;)

Jon said...

I am antisocial in general. Some of it is brought on by depression. I tend to think that people whom I haven't talked to in a while don't care what I am doing. Foolish, I know.

Sometimes change is a really good thing. I think change is easier when you do it by choice instead of by being forced.

Jon said...

By the way... I am always saying please and thank you. A friend of my ex's is totally rude to servers at restaraunts. I refused to go to dinner with him anymore.

I am always tempted to help people that break down on the side of the road. My mother yelled at me once for doing it when I was by myself, so now I won't do it unless I am with someone.

sassinak said...

that was one of my favourite posts you've done yet actually.

heinlein once said that you could tell a dying culture by the death of 'common courtesy' and by filthy public restrooms.

kind of scary huh?

it's harder and harder to try but somehow so much more worth it...

Sunny Delight said...

my god darlin' I could have written a majority of this, well..not quite as eloquently as you, but so much of my life parallels (sp?) my life I have always thought that common courtesy is important no matter who we are dealing with, and that is what I have taught my children, when it is done enough by me in the company I keep, it does seem to spread, maybe it is only when they are in my presence--don't know.

With friends and family in the past year, I have turned down so many,that I finally decided I was hiding from myself in turning them down, hardly anyone asks now, knowing that I will say no. As to online friends, *sigh* so true when they disapear, we miss them, but often not much we can do about it.

My twocents worth on the decision you are thinking about, all I can say is if your gut/heart whatever you want to call it says "do it", then babes do it! do it! do it! Have no regrets, I am at least 10 years older than you, and so many of the decisions of my life have been against what my gut told me to do.....I really hate that I let another influence me in so many of my choices, I am slowly learning to trust myself again, and it is such a great feeling, even things that do not turn out as positively as I hoped are still good, because I did what I felt to be the best choice.....not sure this makes sense...but hey its me, I rarely make complete sense except to the few who really "get me" good luck babes :)

Kristen said...

I can't add anything more words looks like the previous comments have summed up everything I wanted to say.

So instead I'll just compliment you on a post well written and I couldn't agree more with your outlook.

You would be missed if you disappeared from blogland....just saying

ell said...

ah, dzer.

i wish you well in your decision, whatever it is. sometimes we just have to jump off, you know? hard as it is. kind of like pulling that bandaid off real quick, you know it's gonna be painful, but you're glad when it's over. and the pain does subside. and the healing continues.

as for common courtesy - you get back what you give out. keep it up, babe. and i totally relate to the friends issue. i don't think people deliberately let relationships fall off, people get distracted by this thing called life, and it kinda just happens. i get tired of being julie the cruise director sometimes. but if the end result is a good time for everyone, so be it.


Snow White said...

Like several others, I, too, can relate to your "change" delimma. Of course, I'm about to do just that. And it's scary. If I hadn't sold my house a couple of years ago (I've been renting for 2 years now), I don't think I'd be going through with it. I know once I get there, it'll be good.. at least I hope it will. But between now and then... I shudder to think about it. But it sounds as if you've pretty much made up your mind to do it, so I say "go for it!" You have a lot of good friends here who will support what ever decision you make! xoxox

Everything Nice said...

Well yeah, the comments pretty much sum this up, but.. I have to make a comment about the relation of this post TO the comments.

I read this and immediately said all of the brilliant things above in my head. Because I could feel the emotion and turmoil and wanted to be supportive... which brings me to my point


Isn't it amazing how we build a strong wall like infastructure here for each other when we feel like this? It's almost the defining moment between care and being cared for.

Friends and acquaintances alike, we all feel into you, although just by reading we'll never know the true DEEzer LOL.

Which is unfortunate, because I think we could benefit from a guy who actually OPENS a door, even if you're checking out our asses.

I dunno big guy, I kept reading you even in the midst of a grey area... you got my back.

And thanks for this post.

Shay said...

I hope everything works out for the best hun.

Vixxxen said...

Courtesy is needed and is dying, people seem to care less and less about each other. I find my best friend lives across the state and she has only remained my best friend so long because I have been able to keep in touch with her, calling daily.

Good luck with the descision you have to make, I would give some sort of words of wisdom but I find that I have none to give. Not that you don't deserve them, mostly because I am horrible at that sort of stuff.

As with the DZERette initiation is there oral sex after the spanking? ;)


hasarder said...

Very raw, thoughtful post.

Any chance you'll create a DZERette thing in a different colour sceme?
I tried to put it on my blog a couple of weeks ago but the red and black just looked so wrong with my green/white blog.
I'll get off my arse and link to you soon anyway.