• There's been something I've been thinking about doing for some time now, that I've been wanting to do and, at the same time, been scared of doing. It's been keeping my brain embroiled in a conflicting conundrum of constant confusion. Should I? Perhaps I shouldn't? It has the potential to mean a big change for me. It could cause a total upheaval in my boring, uneventful life of not-so-quiet desperation. In two different ways, depending on how things turn out.
I've been simultaneously reticent and excited by the prospect. So I took some steps, but didn't follow through fully. Only two people know about this so far -- unless they've shared it with others.
But enough's enough. The more I think about it, the more I feel -- I know -- that I have to do this. If I don't do it now, I'll probably never do it. It's time to get off the fence.
So tomorrow, I'm going to follow through. I'm going to do it. And then, I'll just have to wait and see what happens, if anything happens. It either will or it won't.
The hard part will be telling the person I need to tell once I've done it, because that person will find out about it, one way or the other, eventually. And, though it will probably result in some yelling, perhaps even a sense of betrayal, I have to tell that person, face to face. I have to be the one to break the news.
• The more things stay the same, the more they change. Ain't that a bitch?
• I don't know exactly when it happened, but I'm becoming an increasingly bitter, jaded person with less and less hope regarding life in general. Even after looking back, I don't think I could pinpoint any one incident that triggered it; I suppose it's a slow culmination of a number of factors, a slew of small incidents, both isolated and connected, that snowballed, inconspicuously, over time. I'm becoming more antisocial, politing declining invitations -- the insignificant few that come my way (the more I decline, the less I'm asked, I suppose) -- or making excuses not to hang out with people I know in social settings. I'm turning myself into more and more of an iconclast.
Not that's it's been on purpose. Much of it has been in reaction to changes in others, in how they live their lives, in how time changes things and people. These people get married, or a similar type of relationship. They have children and grow their families. They make other friends, people who have more in common with them at these new stages of their lives. They move, and neither you nor they really put in the effort to stay in touch. Or, you do ... you try and they try, but eventually the distance and all the other new things in their lives, or yours, take their toll and you stop trying as hard. And then you just stop trying.
Part of the bitterness and jadedness comes from me feeling that I always had to be the one who tried; that I was incidental unless I was the action-taker. More and more, as time passed, I didn't usually do things with people unless I was the one who set it up, if I was the one who made a suggestion or made the first phone call. What would happen, I wondered, if I wasn't the one doing all of that. I quickly found the answer to that.
So, with some people, I stopped trying almost entirely. I would give back, tit for tat, what they gave of themselves. The less they gave, the less I did. The more a person would give, the more I gave back.
I ended up with a lot of acquaintances and just a few friends, and hardly any of those did I hold in close confidence.
And, again, time played its cruel march. Those that I was closest to moved far, far away. Or did the family thing. I like to think I tried my best, but I'm guessing I really didn't. It's easier not to do than it is to do.
Another factor is the continuing decline in my faith in humanity. Fewer people exhibit manners and common courtesy. It's easier to walk by someone opening the door for you than it is to say thank you. It's easier to just enter a building than to hold the door. Have you noticed how much more common it is for people not to say "please" and "thank you" to others, especially to waiters, gas station attendants, grocery baggers, cashiers, etc.? The last time you sneezed in public, how many people said "Gesundheit" or "bless you?"
I still try there. I try to be gracious. I try to be conscientous about holding open doors, and thanking people, and saying please, and addressing older people and strangers by the honorifics of "sir" and "ma'am" or "miss" or something along those lines. I try to be deferential, to help out a woman struggling with a package at the post office, or with grocery bags in the supermarket parking lot. I hold the elevator, let people with a few items paying cash get in front of me in the line at the store. I offer my assistance to those trying to change a tire by themselves, or if they need a jumpstart.
I guess that, for me, it's easier to exhibit some degree of kindness and humanity to strangers than it is to make new friendships and sustain them.
Maybe that's why online "life" is so easy. You can be friendly and amiable with anyone and everyone. You can be polite and nice. You can interact agreeable, poke fun at/with, tease and enliven these people you know but don't really know, who know you but don't really know you. You can be friends with people who don't even know your real name and have never met you, and they can be friends with you without you knowing their name, where they live, what they do for a living.
And when, for whatever reason, they are suddenly gone, or you are, there is concern, worry, or just wondering ... but after a while, you stop. Because it's so easy. Or your interaction slows, changes, evolves and, after a while, it's OK. Because it's so easy.
• Wow. That was a ramble of incoherency and uselessness, wasn't it? On to the fun stuff!!
NEW EROTICA PIECE!!
• The Artful Dodger called on BlogStormz! participants to submit stories in honor of May being Masturbation Month. So I threw a little something together over at DZEROTICA. So, if you have a few spare minutes, check out self service.
ANOTHER NEW DZERETTE!!
• That's right folks ... there's a resurgence in DZERette membership. For the second time in just the last few days, I am proud to announce another new DZERette. Everyone join in welcoming Vixxxen to the ranks. Who wants to be first to give Vixxxen her introductory spankings? Heh.
If you want to become a DZERette -- hmm, should I create a button for guys to become DZERdudes? LOL -- click on the button up near the top of the sidebar. Everything explained there!
Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• This is a photo of Guam's memorial to the 15 law enforcement officers who died while in the line of duty. Big props to the police officers, and others in law enforcement, who put themselves on the line for us every day.