Wednesday, November 30, 2005

x-rated xmas hnt ... ho ho ho

A very, VERY bad Santa

LMAO

happy early HNT from Guam, where it WILL be Thursday in the matter of a few hours.

and now ... especially for grainne (you did ask for it darlin' ... kinda):

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
The naughty version by DZER
with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
I was banging my wife, like a hot horny spouse;
The stockings that she wore were fishnet and black ,
No thoughts on St. Nicolas, just her on her back;

The children we made sure to send early to bed,
So my sugar-plum could properly give me good head;
And mamma in her nightie and riding my cock,
Had just settled into some filthy and dirty talk,
When out on the lawn there arose such a roar,
I sprang from the bed — my wife spilled to the floor.
Away to the window I flew naked as a jay,
Tore open the shutters and said, “What the hey?”

The moon on the breast of my wife’s brand-new tits
Gave the lustre of mid-day to her piercing’s sparkly bits,
When, what to my fucking amazed eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny fucking reindeer,
With a little old driver, who had a clear shot of my dick,
The twinkle in his eye made it clear it was St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles those freaky reindeer came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dildo! now, Stripper! now, Pricker and Hot-Ass!
On, Cumbucket! on Virgin! on, Cockring and Climax!
To the top of the porch! To the left! To the right!”
It appeared he was drunk driving on this chilly night.
As dry leaves that before the wild typhoon fly,
The reindeer seemed drunk too, or possibly high,
The top of a house was where they dumped their poo,
As they pulled a big sled and St. Nicholas too.

And then, I couldn’t fucking believe it, I heard on the roof
The loud stomping and smashing of each little hoof.
As I drew my glock, and was turning around,
Down the chimney fat Santa came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fetish gear, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were even blacker with ashes and soot;
A bundle of adult toys he had flung over his back,
And he looked like a sext store owner opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they leered! his dimples how merry!
My wife said, “Hey, fatso! You took my fucking cherry!”
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a sneer,
As those twinkling, drunken eyes started to leer;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
A cloud of marijuana smoke circled him like a wreath;
He had a broad face and an obvious raging stiff boner,
And a laugh that would freak out a serial killer loner.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old perv,
He grabbed my wife’s ass — that took fucking nerve;
A wink of his eye and a then felt up her tits,
He didn’t stop until she gave him four little hits;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Then dropped his pants and give his cock a quick jerk,
Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
Smelling his own cum, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to the sled, to drunk deer gave a whistle,
And shot off like some kind of ballistic missile.

But I heard him swear before he flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, I hope you get laid tonight!”


Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• "I irensia, lina'la', espiritu-ta" is a Chamorro saying that means "Our heritage gives life to our spirit."

17 comments:

Alex said...

LMFA0

You certainly have a talent for prose. What king of talent I'm not sure, but a talent.

Any alternative Christmas carols on the way?

:D

DZER said...

alex: glad you enjoyed ... wait ... you didn't say that. hmm .. guess the laughter will have to be my validation.

and if you want a specific Christmas carol to be eroticized (I have one in mind *EG*), let me know and I'll try my hand at it LOL.

gigi: come on up *pats lap* ... watch out for horny elves ;)

DZER said...

I got something other than coal that I will put in your stocking

evil santa emoticon:

<;)~

SignGurl said...

You must copywrite that as soon as possible. I'm sure you have protected your work but would hate to have someone steal your thunder.

You are amazing and I hope that Santa cums down my chimney!

SignGurl said...

Is your tongue sticking out of that beard?

Nice!

DZER said...

jenn: glad you like! and is your chimney warm and toasty? ;)

and I'll never tell what's sticking out my beard LOL

Suze said...

Dzer, is he bringing any toys? If so I hope he doesn't forget the batteries. :P

DZER said...

suze: I have to check the list ... to see if you're naughty or nice ... the toys will depend on that ;)

gigi: trim? ;)

Oh So Wonderful said...

Yes, you ARE a very bad Santa...go to my room!!!

This is such a turn on..guys who know how to add a little twist to an old Christmas tradition...(:

Santa, I've been a very naughty girl.

Oh this is too much fun! I'm being misled by all the freakiness of this comment box. It's too much for an innocent southern girl to bare...wait, I meant bear...yeah, bear! See!!!!! *Ooooh...closing my eyes*

DZER said...

oh so wonderful: meet me at Linda's ... I'll buy you breakfast! LOL ... or hell ... call me up ... I'm in the phone book LOL

and if you've been naughty ... santa will have to discipline you ;)

DZER said...

gigi: hmm .. you decorated yer tata's? LOL

Suze said...

Dzer, definitely naughty. ;)

DZER said...

suze: well then ... I'll have to get into your stockings then ...

Everything Nice said...

Good job Dozr, loved it.

It reminds me of one I did some years ago!

No, Im not posting it... y'all would freak out.

DZER said...

naughty one ... thanks darlin' ...

oh ... and it takes a LOT to freak me ;)

Oh So Wonderful said...

I'll have onion steak and garlic fried rice @ Lindas, please.

You make it sound sooo tempting! (:

DZER said...

grainne: I KNOW that I'm a naughty santa ... it's part of my charm ;)

castufari: glad you liked it!

oh so wonderful: you think I'm joking don't you? LOL ... look me up the phone book and give me a call anytime you want to grab a late night bite to eat or just a cup of coffee ... you can be the first blogger I ever meet IRL ... LOL