Monday, April 03, 2006

a little sun, a little pun ...

As many (six or seven) of you know, I went out and played a little golf Sunday.

It was cloudy and overcast all day, which is my excuse for not remembering to put on suntan lotion. Not smart. When pasty, big white boy goes out to play golf in the tropical weather, visible sun or not, the end result is usually sunburn. And that's exactly what happened.

The photo doesn't do much justice to my redness, which on the head was partially mitigated by the hat and the shades. As you can see below, my arms fared a bit worse. I'm hoping that it won't take too long for the sting to go away and for it to brown out a bit. This is the kind of situation that makes me envious of my younger brother. He would spend the day at the beach, come home bright red, but wake up in the morning a bronzed, tannish hue. The fucker.

Hell, it's just lucky I wore long pants instead of shorts. The last time I wore shorts while going out to golf and got sunburned on the legs, it was a painful few days in the office, having to wear long pants over it. Ouch!

Once I wore a straw hat that wasn't tightly woven ... yep, check-marked sunburned head.

The worse sunburn story I have is one day I played golf without a hat — yep, it was overcast and cloudy, so I didn't put anything on at all. Crispy red. And then, a couple days later, I wasn't thinking and lathered up my skull and pulled the razor down my scalp ... mother funkydellic!! Holy crap did it hurt ... and even worse, I had to finish shaving the skull, or else walk around with just this big notch in the fuzziness ... LOL

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:
I'm a wordsmith. As a writer, I just love words — in all shapes and sizes. I love the perfect word in the perfect place, and the inspired vocabulary in an unexpected place.

I also love puns, as many of you know. Also, as many of you don't know, I'm sure. Hell, some of you know!

Hope you all enjoy the following as much as I did ... even though I've seen several of these before:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says "I've lost my electron."

The other says "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

Years latter, Juan sends a pricture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so … thereby proving that Hugh — and only Hugh — can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Heh.

That last one was bad.

OK ... ALL of them were bad ... LOL

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• The traditional Chamorro soother for a sunburn is homemade coconut oil, which not only feels good when it's put on, but it leaves you smelling all nice and coconutty.

22 comments:

Madame X said...

OK so pale little Irish lass me goes to the beach with my Italian American sister in law. She applys this delicious smelling lotion to her body and I ask "What is that?"
"Browning lotion." she says, "It makes you brown instead of red."

"Hot Damn!" I think. I am finally going to get a dep dark tropical tan.
The next day I get up early and ask to borrow the browing lotion and I apply it all over.

I spend all day at the beach and sometime around 3.00 PM or so my skin begins to feel tight and sore.

I mention this to my sister in law who says to me, "You did put on sun screen first, right?"

yeah...not so much

Natalia said...

OMG I am such a fucking nerd cause I laughed my head off at each and every one of those my dear darling Deeeeez :)

They are so clever...I love words...love them to death :)

Thanks for the post!

-N

DZER said...

madame x: Yeeeowch!! sorry to hear that ... my skin is stinging just thinking of that!

natalia: I knew there would be some who really liked these as much as me ... glad you enjoyed :D

yep, it's me.... said...

I LOVE PUNS TOO AND THEY ALL MADE ME GIGGLE

DZER said...

velma: glad to get you a'gigglin' ... ;)

Mike said...

Did anyone want to play checkers on your head when you wore the loosely weaved hat?

DZER said...

mike: it was a tiny checker pattern ... they would have had to have used teensy checkers LOL

terry said...

i have a co-worker who loves to pun in his news stories... even when the puns don't actually fit...!! so i gotta say these puns made me groan.

and i wish you had a picture of your checker-board head....

DZER said...

terry: so he likes to pun-ish you? heh

and it seems that me checker-boarded on the noggin is very popular ... almost wish I had a pic of it ... not LOL

Suze said...

Ouch, you look a little sore. I'll have to rub you down with some lotion. ;)

I burn too, must be the redhead in me. Unlike most people I burn, have all the discomfort and then don't even go brown. How crap is that.

DZER said...

suze: oooh yes ... rub me down with lotion ... heh

and I think part of the reason I burn easy is my mom's a redhead ... I'm a natural brunette, but I have reddish undertones ... ;)

terry said...

pun-ish??

like the never-ending rain isn't bad enough...

UUUUUUUGH.

ArtfulDodger said...

Loved those Dman! I'm a huge pun fan myself, will have to remember to send you some along the way. Made me laugh and I copied them and kept them. :)

I had these cousins that would brown a deep golden tan every spring without even going outside!! used to piss me off to no end. no matter how hard I try I just can't keep a tan for very long, which is why I eventually gave up. Just settle for not-quite pasty white summer look.

SignGurl said...

How can you not have a tan? You live on a freaking tropical island!

Chrissie said...

*rme*@thepuns...

at least you didnt run a fever for several days like the last time I got burnt... but still... sorry your hurtin!

ell said...

about the sunburn - ouch! being alabaster-skinned myself, i can relate. and i totally enjoyed the puns!

tks!

DZER said...

terry: hehe

art: glad you enjoyed ... and don't you hate easily tanning relatives! LOL

signgurl: Because the sun is your enemy! LOL

chrissie: You know you liked at least ONE of them! LOL ... and I remember your last sunburn ... YIKES!! I'm glad too ... but I'm not really hurtin too much ... as long as no one slaps my arms LOL

ell: thanks for the empathy, darlin' ... and glad you liked the wordplay ;)

JMai said...

Ouch, sunburn! Hope it's cooled down and turned a more bronzey colour.

Loved the puns. I can never come up with any, so I enjoy when other people do it for me!

Snow White said...

You're a punny guy, DZER! Sorry to hear about your sun burn. I guess that's kinda par for the course. LOLOLOL (Sorry... sometimes I crack myself up) If I were there I'd find some ice or lotion or somthing to help cool ya down! xoxox

DZER said...

jmai: nope ... still warm red LOL ... glad you liked the puns :)

snow white: yer TOOOO funny ... your sense of humor dwarfs everyone elses! Snow what I mean? :P

Jon said...

I liked a number of the puns. :D

I was at a pool at a local country club with friends many years ago. I fell asleep while laying out (I say laying out because I don't tan, I burn). I blistered really bad and had a fever like Chrissie was saying. Ever see peeling skin on a hairy fucker? Oh man that was ugly.

DZER said...

jon: glad ya liked at least some ... and fucking out and yuck at the same time! LOL