Tuesday, May 09, 2006

don't read this post if you don't like self-pitying whiners!!

This tag is long overdue. Sorry it took me so long, snow white.

I AM … perturbed.

I SAID … once that I don’t believe in the prototypical Hollywood happy ending in romantic comedies. What I meant is that I don’t believe they could ever happen to me.

I WANT … a cigarette, a lapdance, a cold beer, a thick steak and a good lay — not necessarily in that order.

I WISH … the woman I love loved me in the same way.

I HATE … that so many of my favorite people live so far away.

I MISS … smoking cigarettes. I’m sure that’s not what many people want to hear me say, but it’s true.

I FEAR … that I will die both lonely and alone … and that no one will notice for a long time.

I HEAR … the snickers, jokes at my expense and insults that you think I don’t.

I WONDER … when I’m going to die.

I REGRET … that my father died before I was able to tell him how much I loved him.

I AM NOT … a handsome man, by most standards. I like to think I make up for that with my dizzying intellect, charismatic charm and wonderful sense of humor, but that’s all in my head, based on the realities of my life.

I DANCE … only at weddings, and only then for the quick, traditional dance with the bride, and even then, only because it’s expected, almost demanded. Up through college and a few years past that, I loved dancing and went out at least once a week, and usually two to three times. I can’t really pinpoint when that stopped.

I SING … a pretty decent version of Freddy Fender’s “Before the Next Teardrop Falls.”

I CRY … when I think about my father. I don’t know when I will ever get fully over his death, or even if I ever will. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t miss him.

I AM NOT ALWAYS … as good of a son as I should be. Sorry, mom.

I MADE … $40 playing poker earlier tonight. I was happy, because at one point I was down $200. Hit a few good (and lucky) pots toward the end.

I WRITE … because I have no idea what I would do if I didn’t write.

I CONFUSE … Kellog’s Sugar Smacks with Post Super Sugar Crisp.

I NEED … for, just once in my life, for a woman to tell me she’s IN love with me. It’s never happened before. Women have said, “I love you,” to me on multiple occasions, but the overwhelmingly vast majority of time, it was accompanied by the words or meaning of as a friend, like a brother, as a fellow human being, as a son/brother/cousin. I hear from others all the time that I can’t give up, that I have to keep looking for a woman who can and will love me. But every time I have taken that advice, I have ended up heartbroken … because no one has ever been in love with me. How sad and pathetic is that?

I SHOULD … just give up on the idea that I might ever be with someone in a real and love-filled relationship. If I could give up the slight sliver of hope I somehow manage to retain, I would be less sad more often. But I can’t, even though my logical, rational brain knows it’s not going to happen.

I START … thinking about what I want to next to with my life and realize that I will have to make some hard decisions and a tough choice in order to achieve those goals.

I FINISH … things late because I’m a serial procrastinator.

I TAG … No one.

wow ... that was mostly depressing, huh?

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• Guam also has black sand beaches in a few areas. I have no idea what makes black sand ... non-vibrant parrot fish?

14 comments:

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

That was a fabulous post. What you mean mine was better. Liar. Yours kicked mine's ass.

Kisses.

DZER said...

nah ... mine was all whiney and dark ... bleah

terry said...

wow, am i first??? how is that possible??

dz, a couple of my friends have been on my case lately about my lack of faith in the whole love relationship thing... because, like you, i'm pretty much convinced i'm never going to find what i'm looking for.

they tell me i'm inviting a self-fulfilling prophecy into my life with this thought.

so i'm trying to change my attitude, though it's nearly impossible, when all evidence points to the contrary.

perhaps i can get them on your case, as well...

you're a special guy, dzer. you deserve a special woman.

terry said...

oh, see, i WASN'T first after all..!

Natalia said...

Hey...I would have done this tag! :(

-N

Natalia said...

Oh...and also...and I am seriously not saying this as lip service or to make you feel better...but I do think you are very much what a lot of women want and need...quick wit, intellect, personality... that's the meat and potatoes, darling...the eye candy is just sugar and that's not good for you and it doesn't fill you up.

Seriously...chin up...the right one is out there.

-N

ell said...

sorry you're down, d. maybe some chocolate is in order? or one of your famous sammiches?

*hugs*

ArtfulDodger said...

The moment I gave up is the moment I found the woman I would marry... now we're getting a divorce after a long ass sexless marriage. So be careful what you ask for.

Second, the black sand is from the Darth Parrot Fish, he's one with the Dark Side so be careful.

Hang in there my friend!

Everything Nice said...

Fuck that dude, hooray for self-pitying whiners!!!

You know though, I think I got exactly what I needed out of that post and that was a true deep need for a connection with somebody that loves you for you.

And that, my friend, is writing.

Honestly, wouldn't have it any other way....

And WTF I thought sugar smacks were the post super sugar crisp... you mean they're not!?!?!

the HORROR!!

Everything Nice said...

oh, and LMAO on the black sand...

SignGurl said...

I would say that was the most honest, raw post I have ever read of yours.

It's cliche but I'm going to say it anyway. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Whatever is ahead for you is out there waiting. It may be a month, it may be years, but it will happen. I know that you are destined for something great!

I didn't know there was a difference between the sugar smacks and the super sugar crisp either. They don't call them that anymore. They took the sugar out of the title and got rid of Diggum the frog. I live within 60 miles of Kelloggs and Post and I had to learn this from someone over 7000 miles away.

Shay said...

*HUG*

Madame X said...

*pouting*

kathi said...

You think things out more than I do. Your answers are well expressed thoughts, mine are short, to the point 'get er done' kind of stuff...which is a lot like the way I'm living lately, come to think of it.

I, also, loved your question and answer post. Great stuff, again. I'd like to do that too.