I realize that there really hasn’t been that I’ve posted of late that has any real depth or substance – just some miscellaneous recounts of my fairly boring life, some usually pointless though sometimes amusing memes, a few little odd rants here and there.
I’ve been struggling with a lack of focus and direction — not just in my writing and my posts here, but in my life as well. There’s just not really any purpose or drive. It’s been this way for a very long time now.
My days are fairly routine and boring. I wake up. I go into work. I do my job. I usually come home for lunch, though sometimes I eat out. I go back to work and do my job. I come home from work. I watch television or a DVD, get on the computer for a while, do some blogging or read some blogs, surf the Internet, maybe game a little bit or play with Photoshop. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I have dinner, then I go to sleep.
Sometimes I go to get my head shaved. Sometimes I do a little grocery shopping. Sometimes I play some poker. On the weekends, sometimes I play a little golf. I do some reading, some crossword puzzles. Lately I’ve been doing some sketching and drawing.
I don’t go out and socialize with people. I don’t go out on dates; I don’t ask women out on dates. I don’t go out and try new things, go to concerts or art shows or anything like that.
I pay my rent, I pay my bills and stay out of debt. I’ve been managing to put aside a couple of hundred dollars every month into a savings account.
There have been so many times lately that I just sit here in front of my eMac and stare at the “new post” screen of Blogger, trying to figure out what to write. I can’t seem to sort out the jumbled thoughts that occupy my mind. There is a definitive lack of clarity. I wrack my brain for something to put into words and, in the middle of that process, I just get lost. I lose track. I lose any semblance of focus.
I think a big part of the problem is the rut I’ve been in for so long. Nothing new of significance ever seems to happen. There are little things here and there, but nothing substantial. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s not.
I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but my Guam pics blog and the erotica blog haven’t received much of my attention of late. No motivation there.
The pictures I take seem to be the same ones I’ve already taken. How many of basically the same sunsets can you post? Or the same kinds of flowers and trees and landscapes, for that matter?
I pretty much have to force myself to write erotica, and that isn’t the kind of writing you should have to MAKE yourself do. When that happens, it lacks the kind of passion and intensity it needs. The inspiration used to be there, but now it’s not. I guess I find it hard to be inspired when I don’t feel you have anyone for whom to write sensual stories.
That’s the same reason I haven’t written any new poetry in forever. I used to write that all the time. On my old Web page, I literally had hundreds of poems up. I lost almost all of them because I lost my site and my old computer totally fried and, of course, I didn’t have them backed up because I’m an idiot.
And I don’t really have any goals other than getting through each day, each week, each month. I don’t have any real ambition or long-term plans. I have vague dreams of things I want to do sometime, someday, but no concrete plans for achieving them. I want to write a book someday; at least one, hopefully more. I want to move, too, sometime in the relatively near future. I don’t really know where, just that I think I have to if I want to move beyond where I am now and past what I’m doing — or not doing — with my life.
But how do you get drive and ambition, when you don’t really care all that much about anything? How do you get motivation if there’s nothing that really motivates you? How do you break years’ worth of ambivalence, malaise and an attitude of “whatever?”
I’m not really looking for answers here. Just kind of thought I should put this jumble of thoughts down in print somehow, for some reason that’s not all that clear to me now. Perhaps it will serve some purpose later.