Tuesday, June 13, 2006

going nowhere ... fast

I realize that there really hasn’t been that I’ve posted of late that has any real depth or substance – just some miscellaneous recounts of my fairly boring life, some usually pointless though sometimes amusing memes, a few little odd rants here and there.

I’ve been struggling with a lack of focus and direction — not just in my writing and my posts here, but in my life as well. There’s just not really any purpose or drive. It’s been this way for a very long time now.

My days are fairly routine and boring. I wake up. I go into work. I do my job. I usually come home for lunch, though sometimes I eat out. I go back to work and do my job. I come home from work. I watch television or a DVD, get on the computer for a while, do some blogging or read some blogs, surf the Internet, maybe game a little bit or play with Photoshop. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I have dinner, then I go to sleep.

Sometimes I go to get my head shaved. Sometimes I do a little grocery shopping. Sometimes I play some poker. On the weekends, sometimes I play a little golf. I do some reading, some crossword puzzles. Lately I’ve been doing some sketching and drawing.

I don’t go out and socialize with people. I don’t go out on dates; I don’t ask women out on dates. I don’t go out and try new things, go to concerts or art shows or anything like that.

I pay my rent, I pay my bills and stay out of debt. I’ve been managing to put aside a couple of hundred dollars every month into a savings account.

There have been so many times lately that I just sit here in front of my eMac and stare at the “new post” screen of Blogger, trying to figure out what to write. I can’t seem to sort out the jumbled thoughts that occupy my mind. There is a definitive lack of clarity. I wrack my brain for something to put into words and, in the middle of that process, I just get lost. I lose track. I lose any semblance of focus.

I think a big part of the problem is the rut I’ve been in for so long. Nothing new of significance ever seems to happen. There are little things here and there, but nothing substantial. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s not.

I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but my Guam pics blog and the erotica blog haven’t received much of my attention of late. No motivation there.

The pictures I take seem to be the same ones I’ve already taken. How many of basically the same sunsets can you post? Or the same kinds of flowers and trees and landscapes, for that matter?

I pretty much have to force myself to write erotica, and that isn’t the kind of writing you should have to MAKE yourself do. When that happens, it lacks the kind of passion and intensity it needs. The inspiration used to be there, but now it’s not. I guess I find it hard to be inspired when I don’t feel you have anyone for whom to write sensual stories.

That’s the same reason I haven’t written any new poetry in forever. I used to write that all the time. On my old Web page, I literally had hundreds of poems up. I lost almost all of them because I lost my site and my old computer totally fried and, of course, I didn’t have them backed up because I’m an idiot.

And I don’t really have any goals other than getting through each day, each week, each month. I don’t have any real ambition or long-term plans. I have vague dreams of things I want to do sometime, someday, but no concrete plans for achieving them. I want to write a book someday; at least one, hopefully more. I want to move, too, sometime in the relatively near future. I don’t really know where, just that I think I have to if I want to move beyond where I am now and past what I’m doing — or not doing — with my life.

But how do you get drive and ambition, when you don’t really care all that much about anything? How do you get motivation if there’s nothing that really motivates you? How do you break years’ worth of ambivalence, malaise and an attitude of “whatever?”

I’m not really looking for answers here. Just kind of thought I should put this jumble of thoughts down in print somehow, for some reason that’s not all that clear to me now. Perhaps it will serve some purpose later.

Who knows?

14 comments:

RobynB said...

*hugs*

There are no answers that I can give to help you out of your rut... I get in the same thing sometimes.

All I can offer are lots of big virtual hugs and maybe a little humor on the side :)

crscntmoon said...

K Dzer, what I just read here mirrired almost exactly where I was one year ago. I don't claim to think that what worked for me will work for you, but I can share my general theory with you. Baby steps. Remember "What About Bob"? Richard Dreyfuss was right. I picked one small thing that I wanted to change about my life, something that had bugged me for ages. Then I asked myself how to make it better. Then I asked myself why I hadn't done it before. Had no good reason. SO I made a plan. I wrote it down to refer back to. I told people my plan so I'd have to follow through. Then I did it. Wanna know what my silly little baby step was? Painting the stairs in my house. Miniscule, no? But then I started changing other things, DOING other little things, CHANGING my routines. Know where I ended up one year later? In a new job making more money than I ever thought possible. My husband admires me and values me again. My kids think I'm cool. I've run 3 half-marathons. I have interesting stories at cocktail parties now. And I get to shop for nice clothes sometimes. All cause I painted the stairs one afternoon.
Pick something, ONE thing.
Do it.
Don't look back.
We know you can do it.

WryGirl said...

Right right right right.

There's nothing like a morning at Target to kill your spirit. Now I'm supposed to go write? hahahahahahaha.

I'm out here tuned in to you, if that's any help.

Grace said...

I think Crscntmoon's suggestion is great. I get into ruts like that all the time. Try forcing yourself to do something new... don't think about it too much though, cause then you'll just end up talking yourself out of it. Make it spontaneous, and you'll see, you'll have a blast!

terry said...

i think we all get into ruts like that from time to time. i certainly have been in one myself.

crscntmoon's suggestion is an excellent one.

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right?

Suze said...

Dzer, I've just been through the same thing. You just have to ride it out and your inspiration will return.

I spend most days around the house, having no job at the moment and that doesn't exactly get my creative juices flowing either.

Things will improve, don't be so hard on yourself. :)

*hugs*

snavy said...

For a very long time, I too was in a rut. Even the things I loved were becoming dull and unfulfilling. Then, I got new meds and woohoo!!!

Nah - the meds help but I have a lot of work to do before I'm back to the me I know and love.

I understand what you are saying. Hugs.

Chrissie said...

Like most things that dont come naturally... sometimes you have to force yourself to do things if you REALLY want things to change. Find out what exactly you want to change and then simply... DO IT. The only one holding you back Duane is you.

You did make the one change i'm proud of, smoking.

and your second step of eating healthier and losing some weight is also in the works.

Eease up on yourself, you've started 2 balls rolling in the past year or two.

You've tried for a third with the resume you submitted.

ArtfulDodger said...

For everyone it is different, certainly. So this isn't advice, only the voice of experience. In my day to day I cannot be unmotivated, can't afford it. Nuff said. But, having been artificially motivated for the last twenty years I do have some wisdom, practical wisdom to share.
• You can't change big things before changing little things. Dumb but true. Routine is the death of creativity and motivation. The sense of control is what starts to build motivation. Ok, what does all that mean? Three things kill motivation - unrealistic goals (we all think big), routine and loss of control (or apparent loss of control).

Goals - I'll even add more to what Chrissie said above, you just said you are putting money in a savings account? Wow, that's big news. Smoking, weight and money. Not that long ago those were your three biggest problems. Aim for things you can do, that you can control. The big stuff will follow, usually without you even realizing it.

Routine - Once I was soooo unmotivated about a project that I left work, walked up the street to the YWCA and sat in a Crochet class with ten old ladies. We had a blast, they felt good, I felt great and I learned something new that I didn't know. When I got back to work the idea hit me and I finished the project. Stupid? Maybe, but not being afraid of being stupid is part of the fun. Instead of playing Neverending Nights go and sit in an open air jazz concert, just break it up. Little bit. Really helps.

Control - Nothing brings us down more than the feeling that we have no control over our lives. Which we really don't btw. So we need to have the feeling that we do. Achieving goals helps, helping other people helps, I once spent three Saturdays helping to build a house for a poor family at the company I used to work for, man did that feel good! Stuff like that sounds silly, but it is amazing what it does to you.

The best part of all this? It's what it does to you that you can't see, taste or smell. It changes you without you knowing it. But others will. Confidence, sense of self, pride, these are all things that will help with the biggest problem, getting a babe!

We're rootin' for ya big guy!

SignGurl said...

I have to say I've questioned my motivation or lack thereof. I think it may be something we go through to get us to the next level. Becoming complacent can make you feel safe, but it means the death of creativity.

I'm right here with you, questioning my own goals and aspirations.

Mimi said...

Ok heres my take:
There were 3 frogs on a log and one decided to jump, how many frogs were left? 3!!! That one only made the decision to jump, he didnt do anything. My fav Moon woman is right, DO something different. I enjoy reading your blog because you are real, you seem to be humorous by nature, and very geniune. Keep a list of things that give you pleasure, add something new each day. I know this sounds soooooo ummm what corny? Well guess what Im a corny person. And perspective....life is about perspective, be daring be a little crazy, be kind and sometimes its ok just to be......
You are on the verge of something here, so its really not as stagnant as it seems.
keep us posted, xoxoxo Mimi

ell said...

all good suggestions.

i feel your pain, d.

*hugs*

kathi said...

Ditto Chrissie, dang how'd she get so smart? Anyway, what you're talking about is HUMAN NATURE. We all feel that way off and on through our lives. Doesn't make it any easier for you, but if you find a solution...share. I'm hoping I figure out what I wanna be when I grow up before my kids have kids.

BigBill said...

Hey man,
You sound very like when you get involved in something you run with it and really throw yourself into it. whether it be writting or poetry or pics.
Chrissie sadi you quit smoking and should eat healthier? Well I did a lifestyle change about 4 years ago and I stopped drinking (alcohol). then I started hitting the weights on a regular basis. Then I changed my eating habits and it's weird but it all fell into place and I feel pretty good right now...
My point is this make one really good change like eating healthier, then see where it takes you.. Who knows maybe you will get into a whole culinary artist thing.. There is a whole new way of eating out there with high protien foods that are great. Last night I had pork steaks, with whole grain spaggetti and grilled squash and zuichini. It was so freakin flavorful!! The best thing is it is the best thing to eat for you.. So make the little changes and all will follow.. Good luck Bro..