Thursday, June 15, 2006

soccer to me ...

I've heard some rumors that there is some kind of big tournament going on somewhere in the world involving soccer. So I did some research on the Internet and it turns out that it's called "The World Cup" and it involves a bunch of teams representing a bunch of nations in a bunch of soccer matches, who face off until there are only two top teams, with the winner being declared the soccer champion of the world.

Huh. Go figure.

What's really weird though, is that the United States is the only country that really calls it soccer. Everywhere else calls it "football," because there's a ball and they mostly use their feet in the game. Those crazy foreigners!

In its opening game, according to my sources, the United States got beat down by the Czech Republic by a score of 3-0. To explain how bad of a beating that was, that kind of score in baseball would be about 21-0. In the NFL, it would equate to a 55-0 drubbing. In the NBA, it would be like triumphing 125-60. In hockey, it would be like winning ... well ... 3-0.

And seriously ... when's the last time the athletic international powerhouse that is the Czech Republic dominated in any sport? Probably when they were still an eastern-bloc puppet of the Soviet Union, and even then it was only in Olympic sports.

And that's why the vast majority of the USA doesn't really care about the World Cup, or soccer in general for that matter -- we suck ass at it. Always have, always will.

The reason for that is that it's more prestigious to star on a professional minor league baseball team, an Arena Football League team, or, well, a professional hockey team, than it is to be a soccer "star" here. It also pays a hell of a lot more to be a professional athlete in almost any other sport. Thus, the top-tier athletes in the United States will always gravitate to the other professional sports.

When I was a kid, I imagined making the game-ending tackle or the game-winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, pictured myself hitting a walkoff home run to win the World Series, or sinking the winning basket to secure the NBA Finals title. Never daydreamed that one day I'd score the victorious (and ONLY) goal in the World Cup championship. To be frank, I never heard of the World Cup until I was in college.

What MIGHT get me to watch soccer.

Sports the DZER would rather watch than soccer:

• Poker

• Golf

• The Spelling Bee

• Cheerleading

• Bowling

• Professional Eating

• Badminton

• Checkers

Anyway, someone wake me up when the "fervor" is over.

Guam's national men's soccer team ranks above only one other team, that of Montserrat. Yes, out of 205 national teams ranked by the sports world governing body, the Federation Internationale de Football Association (said with a French accent), we are 204th. Kick-ass, huh?


da buttah said...

i like da foozball!

nothing cracks me up more than when a guy is running, running, running, and then drops to the ground, grabs some part of his leg and screams..and then when he looks around and realizes no one is watching, he gets up, and runs it off.

fuckin heeeeelarious!

terry said...

you mean futbol, don't you??

and i'm surrounded by people who insist on turning the games on at work... and leaving the sound up.

i'm ready for it to be over, too.

Shay said...

Futball is one of the few sports that I will actually watch.

I think americans don't like it/aren't good at it because they are toooo lazy. Maybe it's more running around than they can handle. ^_~

Next we have to get you into cricket matches!

DZER said...

buttah: +2 for a line from "The Waterboy!"

and I love the fakers ... almost as good as the guys who get kicked in the nuts!

terry: those damn trick foreign words! LOL

and let's get together and have anti-World Cup cosmos!

shay: I think it's because it's so booooooooooring!! LOL

and don't get me started on cricket ... I think there are only about 14 people in the world who know the rules to that one!!

Hubris said...

Don't care for Soccer much, eh? He-he. I played it in high school and that was fun but you're right. I think watching it is exhausting in the way that watching rocks erode can be exhausting.

April said...

Foozball is from the debil!!

I don't watch sports...although I've partcipated in a few.

You know, like cheerleading and spelling bees. Heh.

grainne said...

Such a wonderfully smart and intelligent man to be footie challanged !! I LOVE world cup...ever since they held games here in Orlando. Just last weekend, I went and bought my shirts (UK,Holland & Sweden) and the salesguy was pissed that I did not want a USA shirt. Well...I have teams I like and teams I don't. Not to mention, I ADORE Manchester United and have my blue jerseys.

When trials were played here, there was such a great feeling of friendship between the people of different countries. We made it a point to head to the tourist strip just to enjoy the folks from out of town. Here is the part you will like...the shirt swapping...taking the shirt off your back and swapping while standing on the street with someone else. Sounds all icky and gross but my god what fun it was.

Dzer gets a red card for not being a fan !!

Jon said...

Yay team!!!

I'll watch soccer once in a while, but it really doesn't interest me. My oldest son decided one year to try soccer instead of baseball. I was not happy. He went back to baseball the following year and became a great Little Leaguer

JMai said...

Seriously? Badminton? C'mon!

Ok see, now you know how you noted that the rest of the sports-watching world calls it football (or futbol, whatever), except the Americans? Yeah, that's why I spell "moisturise" with an S and "colour" with that extra U. Because everyone else in the English-speaking world does it that way, except the Americans. So I've decided to be a bit conformist in a non-conformist society.

So there.

Also, check out the Brazilian women's football team -- you will be an instant convert, I'm certain of it!

Mankind said...

I'm sure Big D isn't trying to imply that you shouldn't watch the cup or any other futbil, soccer, what the hell ever. I think he is just trying to say that it would be more enjoyable to him to witness frogs fornicating. And I have to agree, like hockey its just not a sport I can get into. Just not enough action. I firmly believe they should take a page from the Arena footbal league. Shrink that damn 30 acre playing surface down and you've got my attention.

Chrissie said...

Its funny that you wrote this because when I came online I saw this guy:

And thought THAT might make ME wanna watch soccer... yummy most!!

Naughty K said...

I couldn't agree more.... It's really kick ball. Great Post!
Tits -n- Toast

SignGurl said...

The only thing that could get me to watch soccer is David Beckham . He's yummy with his million dollar legs. I could give a crap if his team is winning or losing. Only how many ass shots he gets, heh!

What really gets me is all the kids that now play soccer. Ugh! I can't stand it. It was never cool to play when we were young.

SignGurl said...

Ha ha! Chrissy and I think alike!

DZER said...

hubris: glad to see that you're on board! LOL

april: points to you too! and can you spell WHILE cheering? heh

grainne: I think it's a sign of intelligence to not like footie ... LOL

jon: baseball isn't my favorite, but it beats soccer hands down!

jmai: have you ever seen an intense badminton match? it's crazy! Also, we don't use those extra letters because they're unnecessary! LOL

mankind: there is a version like that, called futsal ... indoor soccer ... and I think even that sucks LOL

chrissie: baby, I want to bend you like Beckham ... heh

nauhty k: now kickball as a professional sport, played by top-level athletes would be fucking cool!

signgurl: you women and beckham .. LOL

snavy said...

Oh yeah... spelling bees!! Those are just too action packed for me.

Now, fly fishing - that I could watch for hours.

Seriously though - I love the Dance/Cheerleader Competitions.

I'm really just waiting till they have Quiddich as an Olympic event.

DZER said...

snavylyn: one of my guilty pleasures movies is "Bring It On" ... I love the cheerleading!

Kristen said... put spelling bees, cheerleading and badminton.........LOL

Now, I do like to watch Beckham but he doesn't necessarily have to be playing soccer for me to watch him

Grace said...

I'm not a huge Beckham fan. He just isn't my type, I suppose. Oh and Deeze, just for the record, Canadians call it soccer too ;)

DZER said...

kristen: hey, those are sports! ;) and blah, blah, blah beckham :P

grace: you guys can play soccer up there with the snow on the ground for 10 months of the year? LOL

Madame X said...



Where are the Canadians?
Damn you Murph for leaving!

Listen Big D just because you Guammies wouldn't wouldn't know a hip check from a bounced check doesn't mean you can out professional hockey in the same catagory as *gag* Arena Football!

DZER said...

blah, blah, blah ... check, please!


Natalia said...

I totally missed this one. Yeah girls in little clothing will get men to watch anything...oh men and lesbians. :)

Alas, the majority of us do not need the extras...we love football.