Friday, October 21, 2005

revelation ...

a friend of mine recently made a very good point during a painful argument/conversation. she said that maybe I should make another clean break from another of your friends.

and it really got me thinking. anyone who's actually read some of the stuff on here know that I have a LOT of issues. One of those is friends; I simply don't have as many as I used to. and I used to have several very close, very tight friendships. Not so much anymore.

i've written that it was mostly because they have changed and I haven't. but thinking about the point my friend made led me to a mini-revelation, a partial epiphany.

I push away people. Sure, I put on a good fa├žade, but I seem to — intentionally or not, consciously or not — take steps to distance myself from people once I get close to them.

And I think I figured out why.

My dad died nine years ago.

I'd had other people in my life die before — grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but I was never really all that close to those people. I was sad when they died. I missed them. I even cried a bit for some of them.

but that was nothing like losing my dad. I don't think it helped that I was the one who found him. he'd been dead for a little while. i knew that, but I still rolled him over and tried to give him cpr, mouth-to-mouth. even though I knew it wouldn't do any good. My mom was there too. I had to yell at her that pop was dead. I had to tell my youngest brother and watch as the new broke him.

his death shattered me. it broke me into disassociative pieces. I'm still not at piece with it. I still miss him like crazy. I'm crying like a child trying to write this. this happens almost whenever I think of him. i never thought I could miss a person this much.

he was such a good man. such a great father. I didn't come close to appreciating that while he was alive. it kills me that i could never tell him how much I loved him face to face. I could never come close to showing any kind of real familial affection or love. I could have and should have done more. I just didn't.

he was only 55 years old. he should have had decades more of life and family. he took such good care of his sons, daughters, wife, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. he was the rock of this family, both immediate and extended.

i don't want to ever have to go through anything like that again; i don't want to lose someone that means so much to me. i don't want to feel those emotions and feelings; it's selfish and childish, i know, but I can't help it.

So i push people away. I keep them at arm's length, if not further. I don't want them to be too close, when it comes down to it.

If you're one of these people, I'm sorry. you deserve a better friend, a stronger friend, a more emotionally stable and less selfish friend.


murphy said...

all i can say is take your time with it man.. do what you feels right.. and obviously you know about your friends.. but they should not rush you.. but be there to support you.

try some tassled shoes and a bathrobe also... i hear it helps

TequilaGirl said...

Are you trying to make me cry? I don't know what I would do if I lost my mom or dad. I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine what you have been going through. At least now you realize what you have been doing and maybe you can make a change. You need friends in your life to help you get through the hard times. You can't and shouldn't do it alone. ***hugs***

sassinak said...

dude i only know one thing for sure and that's that your dad totally knew how much you loved him and needed him.

totally knew.

also don't talk about yourself as though you are so bad for feeling scared and protective of yourself. everyone is like that to some degree adn you just needed longer to live in a shell because your wound was so deep. you seem pretty strong to me.

Blondie said...

it's more than reasonable to feel the way you do, but don't feel like you're doing your friends a disservice. heartbreak takes time to heal, no matter how broken the heart is. you said it yourself -- it shattered you. take your time in the healing process. you are your own person and can take as much time to accept it as is needed. when you're healed i think everything will fall into place.

Steppin' On Toes said...

Duane, here's my air hug to you. I know how you feel 200 percent. The feelings never leave you, but as long as you have your memories, that will help keep your father alive.

DZER said...

murphman: thanks, pard.

lilith: sorry I made ya tear up. And thank you.

sass: I appreciate that, hon. And those that project strength aren't necessarily all that strong, but thanks.

teresa: I appreciate that advice; I do think — believe it or not — that I am a bit better than I used to be.

Jax: Thanks hon, and I know you can relate; hugs back.

gigi said...

My mom, who lost her mother at an early age, told me this: After a loved one dies at first you're in this big black hole and there's nothing you can do, nothing makes you feel better so you sit and cry. Then a little light shines down and you realize how big the hole is so you try to fill it in. You try food or booze, drugs, money,sex whatever but nothing fills the hole. Then a little more light shines in and you realize that at the edge of the hole at the very top are people who care about you reaching down trying to pull you out and one day they do. The hole never gets filled, it never goes away but the people who care they help you avoid it...most of the time. Sometimes, she says, you crawl back in just to rememeber but at the top there's always the hands waiting to pull you out.

sassinak said...

nice metaphor... i'm going to remember that

dzer: you are correct... but the ability to project strength is in and of itself a kind of strength...

that said, i ofter wonder who heals the healer... for me it's my commenters... for you? that's for you to find i think :)

remember how much help and good advice you give and don't sell yourself so short!

DZER said...

gigi: that's a nice analogy ... or is it a metaphor? LOL anyway; it is nice ... thank you for sharing it with me.

sass: if you keep it up, you're going to boost my self-confidence! careful now ;)

gigi said...

It's a MOM-ology. LOL *snort*
I crack myself up!

Everything Nice said...

Okay, you obviously posted a shit load behind my back and now I have to keep up.

I went through a similar episode when my grandfather died. Sure, he wasn't my father... but it may as well have been.

I haven't been able to get right since.

You dictate who should stay and who should go of course. As well you do what you need to so you can secure happiness for Dzr, no one can do that for you.

Dammit, come here and bear hug me.

DZER said...

naughty one: they need to put together an Internet bear-hugging simulator.

and yeah, I tend to post a lot of shit that gets overlooked cuz .. well, cuz of all the newer shit I post ...

thanks, sweetie