Saturday, March 11, 2006

the eyeballs have it ...

Those of you who know me very well know I have issues with my eyeballs. Yes, I like to have them licked and sucked (when they're closed). But THAT'S not the issue I'm talking (writing) about.

Now Natalia recently posted about her phobia of sharks and it got me thinking a little about my own personal phobias. Now, a phobia is defined as "a strong, persistent fear of situations, objects, activities, or persons. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject." I am afraid of some things, and particular things more than others, but I don't really have one that causes that avoidance thing.

But I do have near-phobic fears regarding my dear little eyeballs. They are very sensitive, at least to me; I'm sure they're probably no more sensitive than the next set of eyeballs. But I guess that's my point — all eyeballs are sensitive.

What really got me thinking about the eyeball thing was the injury yesterday of Villanova guard Allan Ray. He was poked in the eye, and some video showed that it may have actually been popped out of its socket. I know! ewwwwwwwww!!

I was talking to Chrissie about this, which wasn't good, because her eyes were hurting and the discussion didn't help her situation out. It also brought up my fears regarding my eyeballs. So I thought I would share some of my eyeball issues with everyone ... that comes to the blogosphere on the weekends, anyway ... which is about 4 people to my blog, anyway. LOL

ZOMBIE
No I'm not positive that the movie I remember was the cult horror classic "Zombie," but I do know that it's a zombie flick. Here's the scene: A woman is running from a zombie. Luckily, as we all know, zombies are slow — but they are methodical. She runs and runs and reaches this house. She opens the door, darts in, then closes and locks the door behind her, gasping and scared but relieved, because she and the zombie are on opposite sides of the door.

CRASH!!!

This zombie hand shatters the wood of the door and emerges on her side, grabbing her by the hair ... and inexorably pulling her head toward the door ... where there's this giant, sharp wood shard poking toward the screaming woman.

You guessed it folks: The zombie pulls her eyeball onto the shard, which punctures her eyeball and eventually pulls it out of her socket. Ugh! *shiver*

CONTACTS
I tried once to get contacts. I've worn glasses for the vast majority of my life. Contacts used to be hella expensive. Plus, my dad was in the Air Force, which covered glasses (BCGs — Birth-Control Glasses) but not contacts. No way were my parents gonna shell out big money for contacts for their kids.

When I got older and had my own job and thus, my own revenue stream, I thought it would be cool to get contacts. I'd put away my glasses and be able to wear all the cool sunglasses and still be able to see.

So I go to the optometrist and get a pair with my prescription. I go home, look at the instructions, then try to put them in. For a long time. First while sitting in a chair, then in front of the mirror. I can't do it. I can't knowingly put something in my eye. The closest I get is a lens on the bottom of my lower eyelid.

EYEDROPS
I can't put them in myself. I just can't. I try to put the thing close, I try to hold it far away. But I always blink, close the eyelids. Same thing happens when someone tries to put eyedrops in for me. Blink. Close.

I have to squeeze drops into the well of the eye just close to the nose and tilt my head to the side to get the drops to roll into my eyeball. Sad ... but true. LOL

THE FACIAL
So some friend of mine (a woman, of course) gave me this certificate for a free facial and a hoity-toity salon downtown. So I go there and they take me to this dim, quiet room and lay me on my back.

The woman takes my glasses off and begins the facial, which is VERY nice. Like a massage for the face. Very soothing. Very comforting. I'm liking it a lot.

Then she spreads this goop all over my face ... no idea what it's supposed to do, but it feels cool and good. Then she puts these things over my eye, tells me to relax and that she'll be back in 10 minutes or so to finish up.

So I'm OK for a while ... but dammit ... there are things on my eyeballs. How long has it been? Five minutes? OK ... I can do this ... deep breath ... relaxing thoughts ... fuck ... how long has it been now? Hey ... is that goop running under the eyeball covers? Is goop going to get into my eye and blind me? Fuck! Hasn't it been 10 minutes, for fuck's sake? Where the hell is she? Hello! Lady!

She comes in — because yes, the last two words WERE yelled by me LOL — and I tell here she's got to take these things off my eye. She starts trying to placate me and to tell me that it'll only be a few more minutes. I manage to convince her to uncover my eyeballs and take the goop off. Whew!

PINKEYE
Oh shit don't get me started on pinkeye. I've had it twice, thanks to bastards and miscreants and disease-carrying fucks. And I've vowed that if I get it again, the person who gives it to me will be dead within days ... or until I can see again and not have the littlest bit of light blind me like a fucking mole.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:
• When someone on Guam has a lazy eye or is cross-eyed, the Chamorro descriptive term is "kitan," as in, "LaƱa, that boy is kitan!"

18 comments:

Madame X said...

BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not need to see these pictures now I'm gonna have nightmares!!!!1

Thanks Big D!

DZER said...

hey ... it's my way of sharing with the rest of the world ... LOL

you're welcome!!

Snow White said...

I've known people with the same phobia... maybe not quite as intense, but still had problems with contact, eye drops, etc... Not sure about the facial! Too bad though, 'cause contacts are pretty great. And you're right... that injury yesterday looked really bad!

DZER said...

snow white: nice to know I'm not alone ... but I think it's a reasonable fear, and not an unreasonable one ... LOL

Chrissie said...

well thats where my vainity comes in... i dont like to stick things in my eyeballs... and for a year I had no contacts because its an either or thing with my Ins... and i HAD to get new glasses last year as I had not had new ones for like 6 years... lol but i look prettier without the glasses sooooo as of Feb 9th I've been sticking things in my eyeballs again daily. lol... For whatever reason its been hard to get used to them again! You have to hold your lids open while puttin them in ya big dork.

I do need to cut my nails though... getting them in is easy.. getting them out when your nails are longer than usual is a bitch.. lol Maybe i'll go see mimi today

Chrissie said...

oh and the pics... ew.
wtf is going on in the top one? lol

DZER said...

you always look pretty ... glasses or contacts ... short hair or long hair ... *kisses*

and careful with those fingernails!

and ... never forget ... I KNOW you are an admitted eye poker! LOL

as for the pics ... I just did some searches for "eyeballs" ... LOL

kathi said...

Lord have mercy...sometimes you just make me wanna slap you.

terry said...

THESE PICTURES MAKE ME WANT TO POKE MY OWN EYES OUT!


eeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuw.

Suze said...

Dzer, thanks for the pics, I may just have to bring up my dinner now.

How did you manage to find a picture of a jar of eyes? Does it Google search?

Please post something that doesn't make me want to chuck tomorrow. LOL.

idobcool said...

My Bad EYE Experience:
Several years ago I had a detached retina. I had emergency surgery on my right eye to repair it before I went blind. It scared me to think my eye would have to be poked with sharp, steel instruments to fix the problem. The fun part came when I woke up during the procedure. There was this deep pain in my head as I came to, they asked me if I was OK and then I passed out again. For the next few day I couldn't open my eye...my eyeball was actually bleeding for awhile...it was scary!

Now, I have a silicone band/buckle around my eyeball. It will be there for the rest of my life unless my body decides to reject it. You can see it in the corner of my eye when I look to the left. It's really weird, it's like a big white rubberband around my eyeball.

Just thought I'd share my gross eye story.

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

Ok, I was fine about eyeballs...

Until now...

You arse...

:D

DZER said...

kathi: sometimes, I'm just hoping you wanna slap me ;)

terry: even the marty feldman one? you got something against marty? LOL

suze: sorry to disturb your tummy ... LOL ... and yes, I am quite the googler of googly eyeballs ... heh

idobcool: ummm ... holy shit! no offense dude ... but better you than me! LOL

AAG: oopsies! LOL ... glad I could share my trauma with ya ;)

terry said...

i love marty feldman. but i couldn't even look at him AFTER THOSE OTHER HIDEOUS PICTURES.

bleah.
eeuw.
gack.

DZER said...

terry ... sorry darlin' ... didn't mean to traumatize you to such a degree LOL

zaadam said...

very dramatic indeed!

Shay said...

OMG! You are so mean!!! That first picture really freaked me out.

*ahem*
I have a phobia around my mouth; root canals and broken jaws scare the shit out of me.
It might be because of the oral surgeries that I've already had... *shudder*

a phobia is an irrational fear of something - and I don't really think that your eye thing and my jaw thing are phobias because I think it's perfectly rational to not want to have your jaw broken or you eyeball popped out!

DZER said...

zak: thanks!

shay: LOL ... sorry to freak ya out ... and I think you're right ... we're both rational ;)