Thursday, September 21, 2006

the return to the salt mines ...

Today was my first day back after a relaxing, do-nothing, three-day mini-vacation.

Even Fucking Bleah™ doesn't quite fit the bill.

It's not that I don't like my job. I'm lucky in that I'm not only good at what I do (with the awards to prove that I'm not JUST a bragging egotist! LOL), but I like what I do and, for the most part, the people with whom I work. Not only that, but I have a good job and am decently compensated -- something that many aren't so fortunate to experience. I'm much better off, overall, than a good majority of the workers out there, I think.

It's just that if I could maintain even my current moderate lifestyle without working, I'd be more than happy to do so. If I could receive what I make annually with no job required, I would be ecstatic -- I'd probably be much more lazy, unproductive and hermetic too.

I am not one of those people who would hit a lottery jackpot and continue to show up day in and day out at my old job. Which is why I buy lottery tickets now and then when the jackpot gets up past $5 million or so.

I also wouldn't be the type of person who blows through his entire winnings in a scant few years, becoming destitute or having to go back to work again. I don't have any plans for any real extravagant purchases, when it comes down to it.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I win a moderate lottery jackpot ... say $5 million. Right off the bat, 30 percent goes to the government. Didja know that? Gambling winnings of any kind over a certain level are taxed at 30 percent -- I knew this old man with whom I used to play poker. He won $10,000 in a grocery store contest of some kind. He ended up with $7,000 of it after taxes. Still not bad for filling out a form and putting it in a box, but Uncle Sam does take his cut.

$5 million winnings = $3.5 million after taxes

Again, still a nice little chunk of dough. So how do I spend it? First of all, I take care of a few others:
• About $200,000 to my mom, to pay off her house/farm and any other debts and let her live in relative comfort (not having to bust her ass). This would also cover the little debts I still owe her from over the years.

• $300,000 to R and S, my mulle' and pare', to use to build their house and to set up college/trust funds for my two godsons.

• About $300,000 to a certain someone to pay off her house and debt and let her not have to worry about struggling to make ends meet for a while. OK ... and I'll throw in the RV and maybe -- if she asks me REALLY nice -- the boob lift as well! LOL
So far, that's $800,000, which still leaves me $2.7 million. So what do I do with the rest?
• Pack up what I want to take with me, sell or give away the rest, and move stateside ... probably Indiana or somewhere else in Middle America. And to a smallish town -- I'm not a big fan of the city and although I like the country, I don't want to live there. I buy a nice, solid little two- or three-bedroom house for $100,000 to $150,000 and spend another $50,000 or so to upgrade and furnish it. Probably three-bedroom: a master bedroom with a ridiculously luxurious master bath; a guest bedroom; and an office. There WILL be a hot tub. All appliances and cabinets and doors and everything will be custom-fitted for my size ... no more super-low cabinet storage, no more bathroom sink that doesn't even reach my crotch. Short people will need to step on stuff to reach things, but that's not my problem. LOL

• I would purchase two vehicles -- a big, but not too big, pickup, because I'm half Chamorro and you can always use a truck; the second a car that's more fun, customized to fit my rather large body comfortably.

• The office will feature a top-of-the-line available Mac (maxed out on RAM and whatnot, naturally) and assorted hardware and software -- two big flat-panel monitors, commercial-grade printer and scanner, commercial-grade digital camera and video camera, publishing software (Quark, Photoshop, etc.) and anything else I can think of to add on, to include a top-of-the-line laptop so I can be fully portable. The house will have wireless broad-band Internet access, of course.

• That would still leave me well over $2 million. The bulk of that would be placed in safe, stable investments that allow me a nice little income just from the interest, on which I will live, primarily. I will still write professionally -- doing freelance work for local newspapers and other publications, as well as try my hand at selling articles to national publications. It would be nice to have a syndicated column, and perhaps a few books.
Pretty boring for a new millionaire, huh?

Oh well ... back to reality.

FUCKING FREAK OUT FUCKING FRIDAY!

I just had to share this ... regular visitors know my eyeball issues, and things like this always make me go "holy shit" and then hold my eyes until they start hurting. This guy is Claudio Paulo Pinto from Brazil and he hopes to get his protruding eyeballs (which pop 7 millimeters from his sockets) listed in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Wish him luck!!


10 comments:

ArtfulDodger said...

Not a bad plan at all Dman, now you just have to hope for the freaky luck. Or get struck by lightning twice. My biggest worry about actually winning would be actually winning, since I don't gamble, that would be very strange and would just freak me out and make my eyeballs pop out of my head.

Natalia said...

Jaysus that is fucking disgusting. *throws out breakfast* I can diet like this.

Anyway...that's really generous of you. I think if I won, I'd also help my family first. And then...I'd buy a flat in London and move there to devote my time to writing my novels.

I think I'd still like to teach. But I wouldn't have to worry about what kind of salary I get as a professor.

Ahhhh...but I'd be careful not to pull a Hammer and go broke by spending money on ridiculous stuff.

I think I'd make a good millionaire.

-N

DZER said...

dodger: I always have solid plans regarding my fantasies. ;)

natalia: no eating nasty stuff whilst reading my blog! and maybe we could be millionaire neighbors! We can edit each other's stuff ... heh

Madame X said...

What happened to opening up your own strip club?

I thought you and Murph had it all worked out?

You gotta wonder how this guy discovered his eyes could do that.
A broom handle mis-hap?

Chrissie said...

lol woo hoo an $, RV AND new boobs for meeeeee? So good to me!

and FUCK thats sick.
I wonder if he wears contacts... I bet he has the same problem Sam does? Where they just "fall out" of her eyes.

DZER said...

madame x: can't do it without murphy, now can I ... and I don't want to know how he found out!

chrissie: hey ... I said MAYBE!!

and isn't it gross central? and I know he doesn't wear contacts ... unless they're "wraparounds" ... LOL

grainne said...

Explain to me....why someone would want to be known for something as disgusting as that eye popping thingy?? I hope they just fall out and some passing dog snarfs them up!! All I can think of is the Christmas story line....you'll put your eye out...only warped to you'll pop your eye out...sufficiently grossed out for the remainder of the day ! I hope someone stops by and licks your eye for posting that one ! EEEEWWWWW

ell said...

i think the most fun with having that kind of money would be giving it out to people and seeing their reactions. especially those who really need it.

and the eye thing. grosss!!!!

The Savage said...

Did you figure in insurance for the house and vehicles?

SignGurl said...

I like your list, however, I think you are figuring a little low on the house upgrades in middle America. Especially bathroom stuff. It's amazing how fast money goes with upgrades.

I think you should pay for boob jobs for all the DZERettes that want them :)