1. How tall are you barefoot?
Close to 6’5” or so.
2. Favorite movies?
“Casablanca,” “The Jerk,” “Goodfellas,” “Philadelphia Story,” among others.
3. Do you own a gun?
Not technically …
4. Who is your biggest enemy?
I have looked into the face of my enemy, and he is me. And he’s fucking huge!
5. Favorite Scent?
Stripper perfume. Transferred from their hot bodies to my face.
6. Do you like hot dogs?
With sauerkraut, chopped onions and yellow mustard.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
There isn’t just one.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
The scent of a woman laying next to me in a tangle of sheets.
9. Do you do push-ups?
I’ve unhooked push-up bras.
10. Brothers or sisters?
11. What’s your most liked piece of jewelry?
The 3-carat diamond ring I found in the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks.
12. What do you take for pain relief?
Nothing. I live for pain. Or Advil.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I’d appreciate it if someone would fucking tell me, because nothing I’ve tried has ever worked. Unless this means, how do you lure women you are attracted into becoming “just friends” … because then I have a fucking arsenal of secret weapons to accomplish that job. It’s like I’m the Zen fucking master of getting women to want to be my buddy.
14. Do you own a knife?
Several, actually, for a variety of different uses. Different -sized blades, some short, some long ... I even have one made of composite materials that doesn't show up in X-ray machines. The CIA uses something similar for their operatives. The edges aren't sharp for cutting/slicing, but you can stick someone like a pig with it and twist it to make it almost impossible for the wound to close.
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
I’m too phlegmatic and fucking lazy to have A.D.D., unless the acronym stands for “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons.”
16. Middle name?
Miguel. Sexy, hot and Spanish … everything I’m not.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
Despondency. Unlovedness. Unwanted. Oh yeah, party pooper in the house. Revel in it, bitches.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
Gas. Iced tea. The Farm.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Iced tea. Coffee. Hot tea.
20. What time did you wake up today?
21. Current worry?
Like there’s just one?
22. Current hate?
23. Your favorite place to be?
On the golf course or in a poker room.
24. Least favorite place to be?
In my shoes.
25. Where would you like to go?
To a world of make believe and fantasy where all your dreams come true. Or the strip club. Hmm … same thing?
26. Do you own slippers?
Yes. And I wear them to work.
27. What shirt are you wearing?
I’m topless. *pauses for a bit to allow people to clean up the puke.*
28. Do you burn or tan?
I burn baby, burn (like a disco inferno).
29. Least favorite color?
Puce. Hate the way it sounds. And looks. It makes me wanna puce my guts out.
30. Would you be a pirate?
Arr! Avast, me mateys! I'll scuttle yer tallywag and keelhaul yer barnacles!
31. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Half a beer on Sunday at the golf course.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower.
33. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Nuclear war. There were times I would wake up suddenly because of a jet passing overhead and be temporarily blinded by the bright sunlight and think that a nuke had just been detonated and think I was about to die.
34. What's in your pockets right now?
35. Last thing that made you laugh?
For real laugh or fake laugh? I laughed when I read a deer came into an old woman’s house and attacked her. I fake laughed in a conversation with someone who told a bad joke, out of charity.
36. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Quilt my grandmother made.
37. Worst injury you've ever had?
Spinal tumor. Snapped my right index finger almost in half. Fish hook through foot that subsequently was ripped out. Beer bottle to head. Dislocated shoulder. None compare to the several broken hearts. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’ … barely.
38. What is your favorite pet?
Right hand over woman’s left tit.
39. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Three. Only one plugged in; two are in the closet of the spare bedroom.
40. Who is your loudest friend?
That’s a relative term. It implies that I have many friends from which to choose a loudest one.
41. Who is your most silent friend?
A Buddhist monk in Tibet who hasn’t talked in 30 years.
42. Does someone have a crush on you?
No one ever has a crush on me. Someone once bought me an Orange Crush. Does that count? Didn’t fucking think so.
43. Do you wish on stars?
No, I prefer to disembowel livestock and read the entrails. Do people actually wish on stars? What the fuck is that?
44. What is your favorite book?
The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
45. What is your favorite candy?
Knew a stripper who went by the stage name “Candy” before and she was pretty sweet. Yeah. I’m going with that.
46. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Nobody’s ever going to marry me unless I can pony up the $20K for a mail-order bride. Yes, I’ve window shopped.
47. What song do you want played at your funeral?
What’s the point? Are people going to leave saying, “Great music … I’m glad he died so I could enjoy that selection of tunes. I downloaded it into my iPod!”
48. What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night?
Why? What did you see? What did you hear?
49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
“Fuck. I can’t believe I have to be awake.”
50. Do you have a favorite charity?
S.T.R.I.P.P.E.R.S -- Sexually Tantalizing Ravishing Individuals Professionally Pole-dancing and Erotically Revealing Señoritas.