Sunday, September 10, 2006

Thus sayeth the DZER ...

Thus sayeth the DZER: Blogger beta sucks mega, green, crusty, inflamed donkey balls. I can still read the blogs of those who have moved to beta, but I can't comment. And they can't comment on mine. In how many ways does it blow? The number of ways in which is blows is legion.

Thus sayeth the DZER: Those who don't do their jobs right always end up fucking those who not only do their jobs competently, but with efficiency. Their inability to get their work done on time has a domino effect on everyone else involved down the line. Get your shit finished when it's supposed to be finished, because more people are affected by just you. If you want to kick back and take your time ... do it on your day off!

*All chicks and other nonappreciators of golf, skip this next one*

Thus sayeth the DZER: A bad day on the golf course is better than most good days doing anything else. My game was on again, off again today ... usually off again. I did have some bright spots and good play, but not with any degree of consistency. But it's golf on a beautiful day with two of my favorite people (who live here, anyway). Plus, I got a free lunch. How do you beat that?

Thus sayeth the DZER: If you're not willing to drive at LEAST the speed limit, then don't roll through the stop sign to pull in front of me, a person who drives at least the speed limit, if not faster. Bring your piece of shit car to a full stop, let me go buy, then pull your brake-riding, trundling ass into the the road. For fuck's sake!!

Thus sayeth the DZER: The way the music industry used to be run was the right way. It gave us the greatest singers, musicians and bands of all time. Fuck these weak-ass reality shows that let any idiot with the ability to dial a phone or text message choose who "the best" is.

Thus sayeth the DZER: To those of you who are enamored of the above time show and get so into and involved with them ... trying bringing just an iota of that kind of care and attention to your local, state and national elections ... or to real problems in your community. If you can watch three hours of second-rate celebrities pontificating about the abilities, or lack thereof, of some trite wannabe music star, surely you can take the time to vote on Election day, or volunteer for an hour at a library or soup kitchen or some shit like that.

Thus sayeth the DZER: Why can't any of the world' carmakers produce at least a few affordable vehicle models that accommodate people who are fat, tall, or both? Would it kill your profit line to add an option that allows the seat to be moved back a few inches, or that pops the steering wheel up so we can get in without busting a kneecap? Why should we have to spend tens of thousands of dollars more to get a little more legroom or headroom? Haven't you read the news? Obesity is an epidemic ... build a car all of us fat people can fit into without having to make gymnastic gyrations to slide under the wheel and into the seat.

Thus sayeth the DZER: The old, cheesy, poorly dubbed Japanese version of "Iron Chef" is 100 times better than "American Iron Chef." And does anyone else want to get one free punch at Bobby Flay's smug, pompous, smirking, stupid fucking face? No? Just me? OK then.

Thus sayeth the DZER: Why is it that every food product that is bad for you tastes so good and, conversely, that every food product that is good for you tastes so fucking nasty? Why can't three-layer chocolate cake with double-fudge icing stave off cancer? Why can't thick, juicy steaks and twice-baked potatoes help control your cholesterol? Why can't cigarettes improve your eyesight?

And for the folks who didn't get enough of the nausea-inducing animated DZER mug in the post below, I give you this:




11 comments:

Chrissie said...

Have I mentioned lately what a dork you are?

So sayeth the MINX

The Savage said...

Can I get more than one free punch on Bobby Flay?

Madame X said...

5'2" means I have to push the seat in my car, in any car, all the way up.
If the car has an airbag I am risking death...nice right?

I once heard that every car is built for a 'typical' American which to the autoindustry equals a 6 foot tall 200 lbs man.

I agree that carmakers should make cars that would accomodate real people, that are affordable and safe.

That's my next pet peeve...carmakers really only care about your saftey and the saftey of your passagers if you can afford the pricetag...want an inexpensive car? Fuck ya, then you don't deserve saftey.

OK...Oh and Bobby Flay? You can have him but I LOVE Alton Brown!!

terry, queen dork said...

omigod, i'm loving the pics..!!!

i'm with you - blogger beta SUCKS ASS! i'm SO sorry i changed over.

i went ahead and created a non-beta profile so i can continue to comment elsewhere.

christ.

JMai said...

Bobby Flay sucks. So does Blogger Beta.

We need a petition to let the overzealous few have a way to switch back. Who's with me?

SignGurl said...

Word on the car issue. Let me know when you find one.

The pics are hilarious but the single one below looks like you are going to hurl. I realize it's the same picture but the single one just looks this way to me.

::kisses::

DZER said...

chrissie: hardly a day goes by in which you don't mention my dorkiness ... but we both know it turns you on LOL

savage: wail away on that fucker!

madame x: you may have to scoot up ... but at least you have no problem getting in any car! and you can aways sit on a phone book ... put some 4-by-4 blocks on the pedals ... ;)

oh, and alton is cool!!

terry: I still can't believe you let beta suck you into its nefarious web!! LOL

jmai: word, word and WORD! (sorry, 80s flashback LOL)

signgurl: I will do that ... and glad you enjoyed the DZERosity of the animated pics LOL

April said...

The Dzer sayeth it well...

If you can't drive the speed limit, can't see over the steering wheel and probably passed your driver's test 80 years ago...stay the fuck outta my way.

I hate reality shows...'specially celebreality.

Bobby Flay is gay... Actually worse...an obnoxious ass.

If you can invent a food that tastes like chocolate cake but has the health benefits of broccoli...you'd be a millionaire. :D

Great animated Dzer!! (Now I feel like one of those announcers from the old Batman shows...lmao)

DZER said...

april: the old batman shows were cool .. and broccolate sounds like a winner!!

kathi said...

I loved this...thanks for making me laugh darlin...too cool.

DrPhilMcGraw said...

Fuck, I DID punch Bobby Flay...